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Fog City (2023)
I Hate It... Wait, Do I Like It?
A Spoiler-free Review
This skinemax-grade movie is about sexually-active young people losing their clothes while sealed in a house with a gun, an axe, and a role of duct tape being the only things to protect them from daddy's deadly vape cloud outside.
It's not good. It's not fun.
Well, actually, it is kind of fun.
Sometimes you'll forget why you weren't having a good time. Other times you'll remember why and come back around to having a bad time. But, then, something will happen and... am I having a good time? What's going on?!
It's silly. It's gross. It's gratuitous. It's cheesy. If you have an uncle no one likes visiting with, this might be one of his favorite new movies.
If you're looking for a 4-out-of-10-star skin and horror flick, this is going to be your jam!
-Josh from Loathsome Things: A Horror Movie Podcast.
The Woodmen (2023)
Beware: Smallfoot (His Girlfriend Calls Him Mediumfoot)
A Spoiler-free Review
Imagine a world where the forest is full of those guys who actually consume the supplements their favorite disgraced political commentator sells them to pay off their court bills.
If you've ever found yourself wondering "how long can a guy fail to act concerned inside a tent while another guy fails to sound menacing outside a tent?" Well, let me tell you, this movie has your answer: it's 10 minutes! 10 actual, consecutive minutes of just... that. A bland guy in a tent listening to a guy make noises outside the tent. 10 minutes. That's not hyperbole or exaggeration, it's almost exactly 600 unbroken seconds of a guy in a tent listening to a guy outside the tent.
If reading that paragraph was exhausting and repetitive, just imagine watching the scene it describes.
I can't recommend you actually spend your time watching this one.
-Josh from Loathsome Things: A Horror Movie Podcast.
The Seeding (2023)
Surprisingly Fertile Soil
A Spoiler-free Review
This is a solid Folk Horror entry to be appreciated by those into the sub-genre. Good for fans Mother! And Children of the Corn.
It's not terrible. At times it's even pretty good! The acting, cinematography and set design are all solid.
I appreciate that the movie isn't trying to trick the viewer. The experience is pretty straight-forward from the first frame of a kid walking through the dessert and munching on a human fing. It gets more complex, and there are fun details to uncover, but there's really only the one big surprise, which kicks low-budget ass!
-Josh from Loathsome Things: A Horror Movie Podcast.
Followers (2024)
We Need to Talk About Kevin... and James... and Zac...
A Spoiler-free Review
This movie is better than a 3/10, this movie is worse than a 3/10. There are moments of high-quality film-making and moments of amateurish flubbing.
If inconsistent cinematography and missing (?) sound elements bother you, you're going to have a bad time with this movie. In the first 15 minutes, multiple people experience a great deal of pain without making a peep. Foot stuck in a bear trap? 'Oh, hey, would you look at that. Weird.' Almost as if someone forgot to add some of the tracks. I should know, I am incompetent at audio editing!
There's some attempt at stereotypical tension building. There's a missing inhaler and an 'OMG, you guys, I accidentally went swimming in scalding hot dirt-water with my phone and our only charger in my pocket!' The pay-off is a few minutes later, when someone's phone runs out of battery at a moment that... doesn't matter...
Oh, and remember the inhaler? It never matters.
At times, the camera work is dazzling. Other times, it seems like they could only afford someone who knew how to use a camera for a few shots, and the rest of it was done by whoever happened to be around at the time.
There are moments of actual tension, or there would be if the actors and director could collaborate to create even one emotion. The setup is there. The concepts are there. It's just so hard to appreciate them through the fog of bad acting, bad filming, and bad writing.
No one really knew what to do with their hands.
It's bad enough that it makes me not trust this movie. The way the female characters are portrayed makes me wonder about the intentions of the movie-makers. The female characters are vapid, lifeless idiots. There's no one to root for, which is fine, until the end of the movie seemingly gives us the wrong person to root for. I don't think that's what's going on, but that's what it feels like. The meta-commentary on the matter was especially gaggy.
The ladder stunt was nice.
Overall, there were moments that shone with emergent film-making skill and I'm sure these actors could produce believable on-screen emotion if given a chance. There's potential here for better movies on the horizon for a lot of the people involved... maybe not working together, though...
- Josh from Loathsome Things: A Horror Movie Podcast.
House of Inequity (2021)
Is This Movie Worth Your Time?
A spoiler-free review by Loathsome Things: A Horror Movie Podcast
No. No, it is not. You should be able to tell by the time you see sunflowers at a fake dinner table that this movie is not worth your time.
If you're a fan of writing, cinematography, sound design, acting, blocking, set design, make-up effects or production quality, you're right out of luck.
That said, the prop and costume design for this movie is realistic and believable. Almost as if those teams had a shared budget of one Wal Mart gift card.
There's some adequate creepy, yes. The practical effects are hammy (one in particular may have actually been ham), the actors are trying way too hard, and the tone is all off.
This movie could've been mediocre if it'd been made in the 80s. At 40 years late, this is just 100 minutes of content loaded into a syringe and shoved into your eyeball.
That said, I've never made, worked on, or been in a movie. So what do I know?
-Josh from Loathsome Things: A Horror Movie Podcast.
The Embalmers (2021)
A Passive Transgressive Attempt Was Made
A spoiler-free review from Loathsome Things: A Horror Movie Podcast.
Your Indiana small town's steampunk cosplay community invited their friends to be in a movie. Think Doctor Sleep meets House of 1000 corpses, but with none of the fun of either. There's necrophilia, child abuse, and wedgy-picking by the actors who forgot the they were on camera. The movie mostly takes place in someone's carpeted living room, someone's old kitchen, or in someone's grass near someone's truck.
They look like they had a lot of fun making this movie and probably get a lot of enjoyment from inviting people over, making them watch it, and pointing out "See that room they're in? We watching the movie in that room right now! Isn't that neat-o?"
The transgressive elements would work wonders for this video if there was a modicum of acting or directing talent in the bunch, but without that you're just watching the horny population of a failing karaoke bar pretend to be in a movie while getting paid in gas station wine.
1 out of 10 IMDb stars. It's a strong do-not-watch.
Jikirag (2022)
"Mother, I Be Afraid!"
A no-spoilers review by Loathsome Things: A Horror Movie Podcast
The premise for this movie is awesome. Olden times peasants are magically trapped in a cursed forest, but the whatever-it-is in there with them provides for them and protects them from the outside world, as long as they don't get greedy. It's like a dirty-under-the-nails Eden. I'm hooked!
Oof, but then the bad, bad, bad, bad old-timey talk begins. The acting isn't terrible, except when people are talking. All the talking is terrible, and there is a lot of talking. You get the feeling they thought they were achieving some kind of Shakespearian grandeur. But, lo, it is merely verily annoying!
The whiny store-brand Jack Black-looking guy gets better as the movie progresses, but it's a really rough start before he dives into the body-acting, then he overdoes it and it gets bad again.
The costumes look like they were cut out of dumpster sofas and curtains. The set designs are awesome and look like some cool people put a lot of solid work into them. Surprisingly effective sound design really helps distract from the clumsy and unlovable dialogue, though even that can overdo it at times. There's some quality camerawork at play, too, giving this movie a tactile and present feel. Some quality practical and digital effects are sprinkled throughout.
The big Jikirag reveal is cool, but not VERY cool. Think 75% Black Mountain Side, 25% The Ritual. This movie borrows elements from The Village Jug Face, Apostle, and just a touch of Evil Dead. It is soundly within the Folk Horror sub-genre.
All told, it's a sometimes-fun, sometimes-frustrating movie to watch. Skilled craftsmanship and obnoxious writing go hand-in-hand, making this a quintessential 5 out of 10 IMDBs. It's a solid watch for Folk Horror fans that want to hearken back to a more hammy-mouthed time.
-Josh from Loathsome Things: A Horror Movie Podcast.
The Barbados Project (2022)
Surprisingly Good For What It Is
A no-spoilers review by Loathsome Things: A Horror Movie Podcast
This is an ambitious little one-hour found footage film that blends Cloverfield-style scares with occasionally good (but mostly not) acting and a really, really bad script. The end result is a SyFy-grade showing.
The dialogue, both in writing and delivery, hold this movie back, as does the unfortunately handful interactions of the camera operator. At times the acting begins to shine with something approaching suspension of disbelief, but the script just doesn't allow for it.
The real surprise of this movie is the surprisingly good CGI monsters and inventive footage integration screens. The found footage shots of cool "what IS that" nonsense runs throughout the end credits, which I thought was a really delightful addition.
Ultimately, this movie is a silly, low-budget, found footage kaiju flick. It's a 3/10 movie, but it gets a bonus IMDB star for not going on too long and for being filmed in totally badass Barbados!
- Josh of Loathsome Things: A Horror Movie Podcast.
If I Die (2018)
Donnie Darko chills with Manos: The Hands of Fate skills
A no-spoilers review, brought to you by Loathsome Things: A Horror Movie Podcast
I gave this movie a 2/10 for having some admirable artistic qualities. It is not, however, a good movie. I am interested enough to watch The Possession of Mia Moss, should it ever become available.
You might like it if:
*You enjoy looking at Nicola Fiore's face
*You enjoy micro-budget scares and aren't bothered by un-acted line delivery
*You are a die-hard deep-cut indie horror nerd
You might not like it if:
*You have a healthy aversion to bad acting
*You have a normal human level of impatience
*You wish your nephew would stop making you be in his silly little movies
The micro-budget flick showcases a director practicing the fundamentals. We get an eerie tone thanks to long shots, an unsettling soundtrack, and some menacing creepypasta business lurking in the background.
This movie is composed of overly-long sequences. Sometimes Mia goes for an entire walk. Sometimes Mia just watches youtube videos for a long time. Sometimes a silly camera filter is applied over too much footage of a bartender boringly pouring drinks. Sometimes a woman burns a bundle of white sage through the house... and makes sure not to miss a square inch. We, the viewers, are made sure of this. This might count as a spoiler, given how I just described a much larger percentage of the movie's run-time than you'd expect.
This movie seems to be funded by the white sage industry. At times, it watches like a 1950s-style public service film on the benefits and many uses of white sage. Also, possibly, the dangers of women who dress in identical outfits while chatting on the stairs.
Nicola Fiore's does some acceptable acting, but is surrounded by what is almost certainly the director's friends and family members. The acting is incompetent, but mostly in a low-energy way that's less cringey than the loud over-acting common to these types of films. Still, it sets a low ceiling for overall movie-watching quality.
It takes a little over and hour before anything resembling a plot arrives. We're mostly just watching Mia do slice-of-life stuff as bumpers to her going to the bathroom and looking in the mirror in the bathroom. Where's she going this time? O, it's the bathroom again! I guess, maybe, that was another spoiler.
The costumes are used to sufficiently spooky effect, especially considering that they probably came from going-out-of-business box from ITT Tech's theater department.
I appreciate this movie as the evidence of a director practicing the art of horror in cinema and trying to learn from the experience. There are plenty of worse movies in this grade of film-making. Also, there is video evidence of someone having a badass DVD collection.
- Josh, from Loathsome Things: A Horror Movie Podcast.
Painted in Blood (2022)
Film Imitates Art
A spoiler-free review.
A sympathetic main character with practical hopes and regular-person problems provides 100% of this movie's charm. Our starving artist isn't struggling to afford his trendy loft apartment, he's struggling to afford a room in regular suburban house of some crappy subletting dude. We see him adding up his freelance income, including paintings in gift shops and his Etsy store.
The story is compelling and the source of antagonism is interesting. Deiondre Teagle's Malik oscillates between believable and furniturish in solo scenes.
You can detect hints of Candyman, Michael Medaglia's Deep Dark, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Everything else is terrible.
Where this movie really suffers is in dialogue. The script, direction, and line delivery are awkward to the point of embarrassing in any scene with two or more actors. The video quality gives it a distinct indie film vibe, but shoddy editing, blocking and camera work don't help this movie outperform the limited budget.
This is the kind of movie there would be 1 copy of on the New Releases wall or in the "I've never heard of this" RedBox folder. It is quite appropriately placed in the Free-with-Ads type of streaming service. Painted in Blood is one of the best films in the "shot with my friend's adult film camera" genre of horror movies. Go in with that level of expectation, and you might have a kind-of-good time if you're in the right mood.
--Josh from Loathsome Things: A Horror Movie Podcast.
Il treno (1989)
A Fun-bad Masterpiece
Grab some beer, some friends, and watch this movie with low expectations in your heart.
Don't read the spoilers, just grab a seat and let this movie take you to your giggly destination!
Skinned Deep (2004)
Silly fun, but Not a Much Fun
Gabe has worked on some great movies and with some great people. I suspect this movie was made because he knew he could do it on the cheap and the phrase "why the hell not" was probably thrown around quite a bit.
It's not very enjoyable to watch, but it's a lot of fun to talk about. If you're, say, two idiots that run a horror movie podcast, you could do worse than watching this movie to discuss it and have a great laugh. If you're not a nutty gorehound or going to discuss this with your goofy friends, there's really no point in watching it.
However, for people in those very narrow bands of viewership, there is some value here.
Black Christmas (2006)
An All-star Cast Couldn't Save this Garbage Remake
The remake is, in this podcast's eyes, one of the great traditions of horror cinema. This one represents a bottom-dragger of that particular subset of movies. A great cast delivered great performances, and there were some really interesting ideas that went into this new vision of the story.
... And that's about the end of the good things that can be said about this. Many of the kills are silly instead of scary, and the whole thing really fails to hit anything like a satisfying tone.
It's worth watching if you're an fan of any number of these actors or just want to be able to say you've seen it. Otherwise, your time would be better spent elsewhere.