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simonapsey
Reviews
Doomsday (2008)
Astonishingly Bad!
What do you call a filmmaker with 99% of their brain cells missing? Answer Neil Marshall. It is one of the true mysteries in life, that the director Neil Marshall who made a great movie like "The Descent" could have masterminded this pile of excrement. While watching this tortuous exercise in film-making, my mind started to wander to those " Orange mobile phone adverts" where famous actors pitch there scripts to an assortment of idiots from Orange, the only problem with " Doomsday" is that it felt as if similar idiots with more money than sense must have loved the thought of this project, and gave the green light.
Where do you start! The most banal dialogue you could ever imagine,my nine-year-old would be embarrassed to write such Tosh. Acting straight out of Sherwood Forest, I swear the lead actress had acorns hanging down from her ears she was that bad!
How an earth did Bob Hoskins ever allow himself to be persuaded to appear in this disaster, surely a potential " Doomsday" for his career. Shameless plagiarism of ideas from films (and please!, don't talk about homage to other movies such as Mad Max and 28 days as other reviewers have mentioned, as there would be grounds for prosecution for using the word "homage" under the trade descriptions act. I have been watching films for over 40 years, and I have definitely seen worse films than Doomsday, however this must surely rank within the top 20. I would strongly suggest that before you even remotely begin to think about spending your hard earned cash watching this abysmal excuse for a movie, visit your local DIY shop, purchase a large tin of paint, and proceed to paint a large wall and then spend the time it would take to sit through Doomsday, watching it dry! Believe me, you would not be disappointed.
Miss Potter (2006)
A Perfect film for the Oldest of Curmudgeon's
If like me you are an old curmudgeon, who often makes Scrooge seem like Mother Theresa, then I strongly suggest you go watch this beautiful enchanting film on the life of Beatrix Potter.
It is extremely rare in these days of overblown special effects and "Written by Number Scripts" to come across a film that has intelligence, innocence, excellent acting, and beautiful music and cinematography.
I have seen other reviews that said Renee Zellwegger was wrong for the role of Potter, but I felt she had clearly understood the nature of the world in which Potter lived and the inner nature of a woman who had enormous talent, yet was determined to fight against the confinement's and mores of Victorian Society. There really was not one performance by any of the actors in the film that was out of place.
In these days when we educate our children with cynical reality shows, in which instant and short lived fame is more important that working hard to achieve your dreams, "Miss Potter" took me back to my childhood of innocence and imagination where simple but beautiful stories created so much warmth and good feeling.
This is a film for all age's, and all people. Absolutely beautiful from start to finish
Dead Clever: The Life and Crimes of Julie Bottomley (2007)
Braindead
Before you begin to contemplate whether to spend 2 hours of your precious life watching this utter pile of pathetic rubbish, can I suggest you think of the very worst piece of Television Drama you have ever seen, add 2, multiply by 400, and you will begin to get close as to how bad this drama really was. It's hard to know where to begin to describe why this Drama should never ever have seen the light of day.
Let's begin at the story, I don't know whether this originated in the writers imagination (Sally Wainwright)or was adapted from a Book, but either way they should be utterly ashamed to put there name to this script. It defied every last ounce of reality, never knowing whether to play it for comedy or serious, and failing miserably on both fronts. Advertised as a "Black Comedy", then I suggest that ITV should be prosecuted under the Trade descriptions Act. It was most definitely NOT comedy and the only Black was the Bin liner where the whole project should have been consigned.
Sometimes a film or drama can be so bad it ends up being good because you end up laughing so much, however I just ended up feeling angry at having my intelligence insulted so much by this feeble effort. Quite how other people who reviewed this found this "Fabulous" defies belief, it just goe's to show that the quality gene in some people went sadly missing at conception.
To be fair to the actors, there was not a lot you could do to recover the inane script, but why oh why do people at ITV believe that Suranne Jones is a leading actress, admittedly she is a gorgeous gal, but I saw better acting from 2 Christmas trees in our local Panto last week (Please ITV, the Girl CAN'T ACT !!!!!! stop trying to turn her into a Star Vehicle). I hope Dean Lennox Lewis picked up a hefty check for appearing in this rubbish, and now returns to The excellent "Shameless" with instructions to his agent to never again accept calls from ITV's Drama Dept.
It is clear that ITV are determined to dumb the channel down to the most basic moronic television eg X Factor, I'm a celebrity,endless reality shows,in other words "The Chavs Channel" and now ITV Drama seem intent on joining this stampede.
If you have videoed Dead Clever, can I suggest you fast forward to the Adverts and watch them instead, believe me at least that way you will retain the will to live.
By the way, my friend Carol loved Dead Clever but then again, she has been in a Coma for the last seven years
Perfect Parents (2006)
Perfectly Ridiculous
What is happening to ITV Drama. First, "Losing Gemma" quite simply the worst TV drama I have seen in years, and now "Perfect Parents" a complete shambles from start to finish. Whoever is responsible for commissioning this drivel should be receiving there P45 by special delivery.
In most Drama/Thrillers, a requirement to suspend certain levels of belief is necessary so that the the plot line can develop, but "Perfect Parents" took this to a new level,I suspended so much belief by the end of this nonsense I felt I had been force fed on a lorry load of "Magic mushrooms", it was like the scriptwriters had decided to try and create a "Drama by numbers" involving some serious issues - Religion, Education,Greed,Fear,Murder,Paedophillia the only trouble was as The great Eric Morecambe once said when playing a piano, "I'm playing all the right Notes, just not necessarily in the correct order". For your next Script guys, I suggest you try reading a few more books on script development than "Script writing For Dummies".
Due to the ridiculous Script and the utter lack of Tension in the Direction, the acting was suitably low key, not the fault of the actors as the cast was top notch. But I suggest that all of the actors involved in this sorry piece of drama should instruct their agents the next time the Postman attempts to deliver a script from ITV drama Department, make sure the letterbox is firmly nailed shut!!
Losing Gemma (2006)
Losing the Will to Live
Having just sat through 3 hours of Losing Gemma, I am pretty close to losing the will to live. To say this sorry piece of Drama was bad would be like saying St Christopher liked a trip or two. Where do you start, let's begin at the script or should I say where did a script begin. quite simply the worst piece of writing I have ever encountered .The writers must have had at least 95% of there Brain cells removed before the first word had been written. The actors next, well you know the how you feel when you relieve the most embarrassing moment in your life, how you inwardly cringe when you remember every moment of that nightmare! Well this is how the actors will feel when they have to do interviews in the future and probably will pray to God they can ask there agents to leave it off their C.V. when going for new jobs. I could go on, but I will sum up "Losing Gemma" by saying that this drama should be a pre-requisite in all future terrorist interrogations, Just threaten them with having to sit through this will I am sure have those prisoners spilling there guts before the TV is turned on. File under "Movies for Morons"