Change Your Image
Theodore2
Reviews
The Vault of Horror (1973)
Killer Corn
I first saw VAULT OF HORROR in the late 70`s on television when I was a child and remembered it as being good horror fun , and decided to watch it when it was shown on Channel 4 very late last night .Oh dear me. What a disappointment it was
*****SPOILERS AHEAD*******
When you`re a child there`s things you don`t notice in a film , things like a very sloppy script , they don`t come much sloppier than VAULT OF HORROR. Imagine you were living in a town that was being infiltrated by vampires, would you hang around or would you move ? I think that`s a rhetorical question but the townsfolk here don`t want to even though people keep turning up dead and there`s nothing stopping them leaving. This lack of logic drags down another of the stories: Man tries an insurance scam by faking his own death which has an intresting premise but is ruined by the unlikely coincidence of his accomplance driving past the wrong place at the wrong time!. There`s umpteen other unlikely occurances like a murderer popping into a restaurant just after he`s killed someone. Come on , I know it`s central to the plot but you wouldn`t want to be seen near the scene of the crime would you ? Corny or what.
There`s another problem with VAULT, its lack of budget. Prepare for the least convincing locations ever seen in a film. We have studio exteriors of India and the Carribean ! Yes folks it`s as bad as it sounds. And where did those vampires get their teeth from ? A joke shop in Soho? This makes the cheapest DOCTOR WHO production looks like it`s been given the budget for STAR WARS in comparison.
VAULT does have a couple of good points. Talking of DOCTOR WHO Tom Baker plays an artist given the power of voodoo , and it`s good to see Baker play a baddie in a story that`s memorable in it`s own right. But overall if you`ve been brought up on the post modernist witty horror of SCREAM you`ll most certainly want to give this movie a miss due to its high corn content. And if you remember this as a good film from years back you`d be wise to do the same
The Limey (1999)
Soderbergh Does Arthouse....Badly !
Not a very groundbreaking premise is it? An ex con going out to avenge a relative who`s been murdered, sounds just GET CARTER does it not ? It sure does and the worst thing about THE LIMEY is it resembles the god awful remake of GET CARTER!!!!!
It`s obvious Soderbergh is aware that he has a very very worn premise for a film but this arty approach becomes very very tiresome very very quickly. In fact it becomes more than very very tiresome it becomes very very irritating as we cut..........back..........and........forth........between........scenes..........again..........and..........again...........it`s not clever and it becomes very very distracting. It`s not clever and it`s just not on Guv.
The Puppet Masters (1994)
Pitiful
I`ve never read the source novel but I`m led to believe that it influenced classics like INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS and QAUTERMASS 2. On it`s own this film falls down big time , I don`t think I have ever seen a film with so many plot holes. I was going to point out these plot holes but seeing as the screenwriter hasn`t bothered about them then neither will I. Don`t waste your money watching this rubbish
Oz (1997)
American Masterpiece
!!!!!CONTAINS SPOILERS !!!!!!!
I first saw OZ in December 1998 on Channel 4 where it was introduced without any sort of fanfare. I`d heard it caused some sort of stir when it was broadcast in America the year before so I made a point of watching it.
What a masterpiece. The first episode opens with a crash zoom lens on Tobias Beecher then shows us a prisoner getting stabbed by a rival gang member. The rest of the episode then spends most of the episode introducing us to the characters: Beecher , the drunk driver who`s a sort of everyman, Mcmanus , the liberal reformer , Schillinger , the neo-Nazi et al. What this episode established is that OZ is like no previous US series. There`s no punches pulled , there`s graphic physical and sexual violence and two of episode`s main characters are murdered and the rest of the series continues in the same vain.
Special mention should go to Tom Fontana`s scripts which leaves the viewer on the edge of their seat. Of course it contains the cliches like prison rape , the corrupt screw , and the liberal reformer ; but Fontana never fails to make these characters intresting , special mention should go to O Reilly who is portrayed as being the main villian in the opening episode but befriends Beecher in the third episode
The final episode of series one ends on a BLAKES 7 type cliffhanger. The inmates have taken control of Em City and a SWAT team enters firing at inmates and hostages alike. Who`ll die ? , Who`ll survive ? I`m probably in a minority when I say OZ should have ended on this cliffhanger as all the different story arcs had reached their natural conclusions and reintroducing the characters could lead to parody , and IMO has. Beecher turns gay , O Reilly`s brother gets sentenced , Vern Schillinger has his son killed etc etc. None of this rings true but it`s still entertaining. But subsequent series are nowhere near the masterpiece the first series was
Night of the Lepus (1972)
Show Me The Bunny
This film just doesn`t cut for me . You`d think a film about giant killer rabbits would be a classic bad film wouldn`t you ? Wrong. The killer bunnies are obviously hired from the local pet shop - though to be fair they do give the best acting performance of the film , so much better than their human counterparts - and there`s too much gore inflicted on both humans and rabbits for my liking. WHO FRAMED FRAMED ROGER RABBIT is a far better film and 10 times more realistic
Red Corner (1997)
Dumb Star Vehicle
I was surprised this film didn`t receive a wide distribution at the cinemas` in Britain and I think may be right when I say it straight to video. After all Richard Gere is big box office especially with females ,but watching RED CORNER it becomes obvious why it flopped - It sucks big time.
Gere sleepwalks through this predictable tale of a man wrongly accussed of murder and when I say wrongly accussed of murder that`s not a spoiler because we are talking about Richard Gere you know. It would have been bad enough if we had a run of the mill thriller about an innocent man trying to prove his innocence , but what we get is a dumb unthrilling thriller with an even dumber love story attached
!!!!! MAJOR SPOILER !!!!!!
And it`s this dumb love story that brings the whole film down. Gere escapes to the American embassy and under Chinese law his defence attorny ( Who Gere`s fallen in love with ) must face the penalty for his crime. So does Gere escape back home to America or does he give himself up to the cruel communist despots and prove his innocence in order to save the woman he loves ? What do you think ?
I`ve forgotten how the film ends , but I`ve got a feeling that when Hollywood makes a film about an all American hunk battling against Communist injustice the reds end up second best
From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)
Pulp Frustration
CONTAINS SPOILERS
When I get round to writing a history of Hollywood I will state that the most over rated film maker of the 1990`s was Tarantino. He got lucky with RESERVOIR DOGS and the critics have loved him ever since. What the critics don`t seem to notice is his failings as a screenwriter and FDTD best shows up these failings
First up are the two main anti heroes. Are we supposed to empathise with them ? How ? They`re a couple of cold blooded killers on the run who blow away a few people in a grocery store at the start of the film . And Tarantino rapes, murder and mutilates a hostage a few scenes later. Sorry but I`m not too keen on serial killers and sex offenders
The dialogue sucks too . I suppose we could all nominate our own worst line from the film , mine`s is : " No thanks I already have a wife " . I suppose it`s stupid to point out that Clooney`s character never mentioned he was married , and was only included `cos it sounds cool.
On top of poor dialogue and unsympathetic characters we have the worst example of " Mixed Genre Film " . Most Hollywood movies are mixed genre but they don`t start off as a violent crime thriller then mutate into a gory horror film. TITANIC is a love story cum disaster movie , TAXI DRIVER is an urban thriller cum redemption plot , APOCALYPSE NOW is a war film cum horror movie. These films intwine the genres, FDTD doesn`t, it`s just two genres tacked together , and tacked very badly at that.
Robert Rodriguez does a good job at the directors helm , I doubt if he`ll ever win an oscar but he casts well . Without doubt the best piece of casting is Selma Hayek . Selma Hayek in a bikini , Selma Hayek in a bikini dancing on a table , Selma Hayek in a bikini dancing on a table in slow motion...... I`m all prepared for slavery
The Acid House (1998)
Lumpen Prolaterian Rubbish
Like Irvine Welsh I come from Leith so I`m not having a go at the Edinburgh/Scottish underclass. What I am having a go at are independant British film makers - None of whom were brought up on sink estates - who think people are going to pay good or bad money to go the cinema to watch sensationalist rubbish like THE ACID HOUSE. Who in their right mind wants to watch 3 short plotless films about nothing in particuler , full of explicit sex and extreme swearing when they can sit at home and experience similiar things.
TRAINSPOTTING had its faults but unlike THE ACID HOUSE it did have its good points. There is nothing to praise in THE ACID HOUSE. If you have the choice of either renting this piece of garbage or going to the pub , please go to the pub .
UFO (1970)
Comicbook Capers
UFO is a show I remember well from my childhood but hadn`t seen from the mid 70`s when my regional network had last shown it , so when the BBC decided to repeat it I was really looking forward to seeing it again.
Oh dear , the memory does cheat does it not ? Badly produced , badly written , badly acted and with the worst fashion sense in the cosmos I`d have thought the aliens would have stayed away `cos there`s obviously no intelligant life on Earth!
What`s really irritating is the fact that UFO is ALMOST very good. It has a brilliant premise of aliens abducting humans to use their organs , but no real thought seems to have gone into the scripts or the show itself. What makes this unforgivable is the fact it could have been THE X-FILES of its day , but instead we`re treated to patchy comic book capers.
If you want to know how bad this show can be , watch the episode "Ordeal ". Not even the worst DOCTOR WHO stories have come out with such a bad cop out ending
The Hill (1965)
Underrated British Drama
THE HILL is one of the best films to have come out of Britain in the 60`s , and features without doubt big Sean`s greatest performance .
Looking at it from the present day however it does seem rather dated with its anti-military ,anti-authority streak. But it has great performances from the entire cast ,especially Andrews and Hendry
Michael Collins (1996)
A total mess
It`s near impossible to be objective about political violence in Ireland but why when given the opportunity to make the definitive film about 20th century Ireland the film makers decide to shoot themselves in the foot ?
What I hate about this film is it`s pathetic attempt to be two sided . No one is shown to be an out and out villian even though extreme violence was frequently used by both sides. This maybe seen by some as being objective and two sided but strikes me as a cop out , and a cowardly one at that. I`d have no problem with the Brits being shown as the bad guys , they did commit atrocities in Ireland at this time , of that there`s no dispute , but couldn`t have the first half of the film concentrated on this more ? Likewise there was just as many violent atrocities commited by Irishmen on Irishmen following the creation of the Irish free state. Couldn`t the second half have been far more brutal in showing De Valera to be a political opportunist only interested in power and using the lives of Irish patriots in order to get it ?
Most unforgivable of all is the dilemma faced by the real life Collins of creating an independant Ireland without causing a war with the unionists in the North. Oh yes the majority of people in Northen Ireland want to remain British and a sizable minority would violently oppose a breakaway. Never once does this limp biopic point out that partition is the only optition Collins had to avert an Irish bloodbath. We see Collins going to meet the British government , then it cuts to the next scene a few months later where Collins returns to Dublin with a deal that has split Ireland in two. There is no exposition or explanation as to why Collins HAD TO negotiate partition. Instead Neil Jordan and Co decide it`s a better idea making a film that concentrates on a love triangle.
So what does this piece of Hollywood garbage actually tell us ? Only that Michael Collins called lots of people " Gobs**** " , that Alan Rickman can certainly act , that Julia Roberts and Aidan Quinn certainly can`t , and that Stephan Rae would make a good James Bond.
Zulu (1964)
Undisputed Classic
It`s shameful no-one makes films like ZULU anymore. In these PC dominated times there are those who may view this film as being racist dealing with a heroic battle between white foreign troops against native black Africans during Victorian times. Nothing could be further from the truth. The zulus are rightly presented as being fearless and disciplined warriors ready to willingly die than show cowardice.
The only other criticism a modern day audience can level at the film is the fact that the battle scenes are slightly ungory compared to the likes of SAVING PRIVATE RYAN and PLATOON. But so what ? How many other films compete with the excitement and tension of scenes like the soldiers fighting off the hordes of zulus in the hospital building ? Would graphic disembowelment and decapitation improve these scenes ? of course not.
I could go on all day as to what`s brilliant about ZULU , but I wont. But I will say that for me the greatest aspect of the film is John Barry`s score. The fact that he never won an oscar for it just goes to show there`s no justice in the world.
Without doubt the greatest British film of the 1960`s , probably the greatest British picture ever , and possibly the greatest film ever. Let`s hope Hollywood never decides to remake it
Too Late the Hero (1970)
Another Time. Another Place
Film Makers in Hollywood weren`t allowed to make anti-vietnam war films in the late 60`s , early 70`s so they decided to make allegories instead. Famous examples are MASH and SOLDIER BLUE. What strikes me is that no one ever refers to this great war film as the definitive Hollywood proxy Nam statement.
The story is simple : Soldiers carry out dangerous mission. But these soldiers are badly led and totally reluctant to carry out their duty. They`d rather " frag " their commander and go home than earn medals . And war isn`t shown as a glorious thing , it`s brutal , dehumanising and most of all terrifying. Also watch out for the very humane portrayal of the enemy officer. Is it sympathy for the Japanese or the Vietnamese that he`s shown this way ?
I could point out all the things I love about this film but it`d take too long. The only two things I disliked about TOO LATE THE HERO was a couple of plot holes. First one`s the fact that the Japanese are good at stopping the enemy from escaping the jungle but are totally hopeless at letting them enter it in the first place ! A major strategic mistake I`d have thought. Secondly Lawson decides he wants to carry out his mission after all which turns him into a bit of a cliche. But don`t let that put you off. TOO LATE THE HERO is compelling , bloody and intelligent.
No Blade of Grass (1970)
Review
Good premise badly gone wrong
The idea of a virus making the world`s cereal crops sterile is a terrifying premise , especially given the present day debate on GM food, and in cinema terms is more relevant today than speculation on atomic war ( PANIC IN THE YEAR ZERO , THREADS , THE DAY AFTER ) or a second ice age ( ICE ). NO BLADE OF GRASS made me sit up and think due to its relevance , but as a piece of film making it`s very flawed.
First of all what are the flash forwards about ? Is someone trying to take out copyright on a new concept ? They don`t really spoil the film but they sure as hell don`t add anything to it. The title song is haunting but the incidental music borders on the obscene, sounding as if a bunch of hippy musicians have mainlined LSD and decided to attack their instruments.And there`s a completely disjointed feel to the film that makes It feel like most of the film ended up on the cutting room floor and we`re watching the bits that are only relevant to the plot. MGM did make cuts to the film for distribution so perhaps we can forgive Wilde for that.What he shouldn`t be forgiven for is including possibly the most tacky , exploitive rape scene in the history of cinema
But I don`t want to put anyone off seeing this film , it`s certainly thought provoking , even if it does at times feel like propaganda. I`d love to see a remake, as long as the producer knows the meaning of the word subtlety
Midnight Express (1978)
Review
Work Of Fiction
I read the book MIDNIGHT EXPRESS many years ago , but didn`t actually see the film untill it was broadcast on network TV in the mid 90`s . Of course any film adaption of any book will be the inferior article but the problem with this film is .....It`s entirely made up !!!!!The film follows the book untill Billy is arrested then for some unexplained reason the script decides go its own way
!!!MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!!!
First of all Max is a composite charachter. He`s several people rolled into one and none them were beaten half to death and left to languish in the psyciatric hospital.Nor did any of them have a cat that was lynched
Billy biting the Turk`s tongue out. Hard hitting scene. Didn`t happen.
Hamidou. A sadistic and sexually deviant prison guard. Entirely based in the realms of Oliver Stone`s imagination. His attempted rape of Billy and being Killed by him is fictional.
As irritating as these inventions are , the worst aspect of the film is Billy`s whining self pity. The Billy Hayes of the book is brutal in his honesty , never ever forgetting that he broke the 11th commandment: Though shalt not get caught; an attitude he still carries to this day. The Billy of the film seems to have given into victim culture and therefore doesn`t deserve our sympathy. If you can`t do the time ,don`t do the crime.Strangely Oliver Stone won the best adapted screenplay oscar for his script. Surely he should have won it for ORIGINAL screenplay.
But despite its flaws MIDNIGHT EXPRESS is a tense ,involving, tough film. Just make sure you read the book AFTER seeing the film.
Resurrection Man (1998)
review
What a cruel, confused film . This could have been the definitive film dealing with the tribal hatred during the Irish troubles , but instead we get an incoherant , rather plotless tale of motiveless murders
I`ve never read the novel RESURRECTION MAN but it`s obvious the screenplay needs to be restructured since it tells us nothing of the reasons why Irishmen kill their fellow Irishmen. What made Victor Kelly this way ? Why is he regarded as a hero ? , and most importantly of all: Why are his gang called "The Resurrection Men " ? These questions are never fully explained
Worst of all the film seems to concentrate more on a wife beating Belfast journalist rather than Kelly . If the film had to revolve round him couldn`t he have been an English or American journalist ignorant of the complex situation of 70`s Belfast ? At least then they`d be some expositional context in the film. And on top of this major flaw most of the characters are superflious , they don`t contribute to the plot.
I might be missing the point that many terrorists in Ireland (Especially Loyalists ) aren`t intrested in politics or religion but are more intrested in venting blood lust , and to it`s credit the film does in gory detail show the suffering of the victims of violence , but after viewing RESURRECTION MAN the viewer will probably be left feeling that the film ( Like political violence ) is a waste of time.
For a detailed and informative study of Lenny Murphy ( Who Victor Kelly is based upon ) try finding Martin Dillon`s book THE SHANKHILL BUTCHERS:A CASE STUDY OF MASS MURDER