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Reviews
Extinction (2018)
When the Allegory Makes No Sense
An alien invasion movie gone incoherently political?
To start, this was not a good movie. Michael Peña is apparently a pretty big star, but he's horrible in this. I mean the child actors blew him out of the water. And his character is horribly written. A lot of horror and horror-adjacent movies fall back on the "alpha male takes control of his family for their own good," which almost always actually amounts to "the dumbest, loudest character in the movie is going to strong arm everyone into following his lead." That's this to a T. It's incredibly frustrating, and for that reason alone it's not worth watching.
Then comes the twist. Mega spoiler: The "aliens" are actually humans, and the "humans" are AI. That's all well and good, but then comes the allegory. The AI are subjugated by the humans in a way not-unlike the way that people of color have been subjugated by racist white people. A pretty crude metaphor, surely, so from where is this to be inferred? From the movie! And it's clumsy "you will not replace us" plainly Charlottesville inspired scene. This movie came out after the riot, and a real life death caused by the riot. It's a scene that makes no sense, and it's not even particularly well done. Racial metaphors almost always fall apart, because nothing can be compared to centuries of injustice.
It's kind of cool for the special effects and the glimpses of architecture and society that it shows, and for the way that the irritating beginning is explained away, but honestly? There are better movies. It's not worth the time.
Roped (2020)
No One In This Movie Has Been to a Real Rodeo
There's poorly written, and then there's inauthentically written. A cowboy movie without Save a Horse? Someone uses the word "y'all" like one time, and they said it like it wasn't even in English. Y'all I'm not even from a real rural town and we still got a day off for the stock show and our homecoming shirts literally quoted "Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy." I don't know how the administration didn't realize how dirty it is. Probably because they love the song, too.
Anyway, it IS like Footloose. But it's the opposite morals. The small town isn't conservative enough because the daughter - who is literally a 27 year old playing an 18 year old, mind you - can't eat cheeseburgers at her hearts content. Also, like, news flash. Rodeos DO violate animal rights. The dad in this movie is literally correct 100% of the time. But the ranch hand is funny and the dad was in Starship Troopers, so for a terrible Harlequin romance it does the job.
3/10, passable if you bring your own Big & Rich song and plenty of wine.
Deadly Secrets by the Lake (2017)
Literally Doesn't Finish the Story
So the title is pretty much spoilers, but I think the public deserves to know!
I caught this movie today on the Mystery/ Court TV channel. It was nice to have on in the background while I went around cleaning and, I'll be honest, it sucked me in. The movie is absolute brimming with cliches - I don't think a unique line of dialogue was uttered for the first thirty minutes, and nearly every character is an archetype. I was not surprising, upon googling, to find out that this is literally an adaptation of a Harlequin romance novel. Usually when I hear "Harlequin romance novel" it's used in the same way one uses "Kleenex" or "Band-Aid." It's the brand-name turned generic. But this is the real, over dramatized, stereotypical deal. And it was actually fun to watch.
Until the last ten minutes, when they suddenly slapped together an ending! You'd think the genericized romance novel crew would know a bit more about how to write a longer climax! The ending was thoroughly unsatisfying. I was left wanting, and disappointed.
But anyway, they literally didn't finish the plot. This goes beyond sequel-baiting. The whole story sets up this connection between a murder that occurred twenty years ago and the recent murder of a journalist, only to completely forget about that point! She has a raunchy affair with her old high school fling, an act of infidelity against her current boyfriend, which! He figures out about, I guess, but that isn't addressed either! The ambitious deputy out to take his father's job, who holds a grudge against the main character for some reason I must've missed - oops, he's not relevant in the end. The strange messages she's been getting the whole time? Oh those were probably from the dead girl, who isn't dead, because this is Pretty Little Liars, I guess. Imagine my shock when, instead of part two kicking up right after, my TV starts a whole different cliche filled film. What?!
This is one book in a series, and it's clear that the ending will be explained in another book. But don't make the movie if we have to wait forever for the conclusion! It has to stand on its own! Ending this movie without the second half would be like ending a review in the middle of a