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Reviews
Top Gun: Maverick (2022)
Star Wars meets the Expendables
I am not saying I hated this movie, but come on. The plot is exactly the same as Star Wars, A New Hope.
Not just similar, exactly the same.
My eyes rolled so far into the back of my head, I could see my arse.
So, Maverick dies in the opening scene!! If you are in a plane that disintegrates at Mach 10, your organs would turn to liquid and your skin would peel off your bones. UNSURVIVABLE!
Questions,
Why couldn't they have used a precision guided bomb from altitude to get the job done?
When Maverick was shot down, why did Rooster go back for him??? He couldn't pick him up, he was flying at the speed of sound!!
When Rooster was shot down and somehow landed 3 meters away from Maverick, how were they able to just walk onto a military base which was on high alert. (Stupid)
What are the odds they would find an old F14 which was fully operational? (A billion to one)
Not only that, how did this ancient fighter plane defeat two next gen fighters with ease! (Ridiculous)
They even said, barely anyone will survive this operation, yet they all made it, easily.
What country were they even fighting?
FYI, Nato also has uranium plants doing the same thing but nobody attacks us!
Wait, wait a minute, are we the bad guys?
However, the pilot and fighter plane scenes were incredible.
If you have the IQ of a carrot this film could be enjoyable.
If you are going to watch this OK movie, disengage brain first.
Prey (2022)
15 year old girl takes down the Predator!! Ok
This film should have been rubbish but it wasn't all bad.
Ok, a toddler somehow managed to kill one of the scariest predators in the franchise but the action and gore was good.
The predator fights a bear and a wolf hand to hand and wins but he struggles to kill a small girl. Huh
30 male warriors got wiped out almost instantly but this chick had some skills, like, Um not sure actually! Oh she was good at tracking. (pointless)
I'm all for women empowerment especially when they are cleaning my car but this was a bit silly.
It would have been more realistic if the girl had made the predator a delicious sandwich, maybe with some poison in it.
Great locations, some good action, not sure about the perfect English spoken by the natives and did I mention, a little girl took out a predator!!!
You go girl.
Nine Perfect Strangers (2021)
Great cast wasted
Nothing happens.
Literally, nothing happens.
I am only 3 episodes in but this is truly boring.
Great cast wasted.
Not sure what all the high ratings are watching.
There is no suspense or intrigue. Just lots of nonsensical dialogue.
None of the characters are likeable, none of the characters are interesting, none of the characters develop.
Clearly they are all in drugs, right?
At the end of each episode I have to ask the missus what is going on and all she says is "nothing yet but give it chance"
"Well I've given it a chance baby and it's poo"
I am going to give this one more episode and hopefully something may happen. If it does I will update this review.
Gentleman Jack: I'm Not the Other Woman, She Is (2022)
Nothing happens!!!
Literally nothing happens in this episode.
Jack gives us a wonderful narration of how long it took to get to Wilmslow!!
Some little girl wanted to leave her employment but was denied!! Pointless scene.
Talk talk talk talk about nothing.
Gentleman Jack (2019)
First season = Great. Second season = Slow
The first season was brilliant but the second season is a bit slow and boring.
The story creeps along in series 2 but maybe it will get better.
Starting to lose interest.
Edit - This show has no story. All they do is talk about nothing and narrate about how long it takes to get to places.
The missus is making we watch this!! Damb her!!!
Peaky Blinders: Lock and Key (2022)
Kill the Doctor ffs
When Tommy had a gun to the doctors head, he should have said " You don't F@ck with the Peaky blinders" and blown him away.
Instead, he just walked away. Arggghhhh
Otherwise an OKish ending to a great series.
The Guilty (2021)
Super Dooper Boring
Jake did his best but ultimately the movie a incredibly boring.
The other characters act like they have never used a phone before.
I can find my iPhone anywhere but the police can't find anyone in this movie. It must have been filmed in the early 90's?!?
I think movies need different locations to keep the viewer interested. I got bored of looking at Jakes whiny face!
Silly story that had no drama or suspense.
Hollywood - must try harder.
Eternals (2021)
Close, but you're way off!
Confusing mess.
Too many main characters who are instantly forgettable, so much so, I had no idea who was who.
Icarus - his laser eyes do absolutely nothing to the enemy. He might as well shine a torch at them
or send them a strongly worded letter instead.
Sersi, was just pure misery for 2 hours.
Angelina Jolie and Selma Hayek are in this movie. Are they? Are you sure?
Why would the Celestials create a hearing impaired Eternal? Makes no sense!
Why would the Celestials create a child Eternal with adult feelings? Makes no sense.
It felt like there was supposed to be some comic relief in the film, but there was nothing.
Some of the cgi is good, most of the acting is poor.
The dialogue is difficult to understand when the Scottish and Irish characters are talking and it's also incredibly boring.
So, Thanos's brother is Harry Styles!! Oh dear.
The story is terrible and full of plot holes.
Close but you're way off!!! (Homer Simpson)
Together (2021)
No laughs, just misery
Two wonderful actors deliver pure misery for an hour an a half.
It's also boring a repetitive.
Not sure what to make of it.
Was hoping for a few laughs.
21 Grams (2003)
Confusing Misery
If you watch this film once it's boring and confusing.
If you manage to watch it another 3 times it might be ok.
This really is misery personified.
The acting is ok(ish)
The soundtrack is bleak.
The story is incredibly confusing.
It's boring.
Pretentious.
I gave this film 3/10 for Naomi's boobs.
The missus and I must have asked each other "when is this bit" 15 times.
If you love misery watch this twoddle.
The Flight Attendant (2020)
Started off good
Interesting idea to begin with.
However it's gets stupid, annoying and incredibly boring.
They could have condensed this series into 5 episodes we hitch would have kept it interesting.
There are better programs out there. The Boys/Ozark
If you have to watch this, set your expectations very low.
Tripe.
Mortal Kombat (2021)
If we're all honest
The film was not good.
Everyone who has watched it is probably a Mortal Kombat fan to some degree. However it seems these reviews are a competition to see who is the biggest fan.
Good things about the film
The first 10 minutes - Scorpion's origin.
Here are my problems with this film;
No Tournament.
New main character that no one knows or cares about.
No real story.
Questionable CGI
No character development.
Prince Goro, instantly defeated by someone who wouldn't beat my daughter in a fight.
Kano killed- only interesting character.
Acting- oh god the acting.
Go watch the animated Mortal Kombat Scorpions Revenge.
Hopefully. Cole Young will be hit by a bus in Hollywood and Jonny Cage can lead the next film.
In summation- come on Hollywood, you had a guaranteed hit here and you somehow fudged it up.
I rewatched it and it gets ever so slightly better because you know it's going to be rubbish.
Thunder Force (2021)
Funny?
I recently suffered a death in the family which was funnier than this movie.
The old ball and chain and I were ready for a silly, funny film but this film was dog poo.
No real story, no real laughs, just give it a miss and watch Bridesmaids instead.
Jason Bateman - Why are you filming this garbage when you should be working on Ozark!!!!
I am going to recommend this film to all the people I hate. Haha Screw them!
Message from the King (2016)
Right guys, we have £100 and no script. Let's make a movie!
This film is great if you want to see a moody man, staring for long periods of time and talking in a language which is impossible to understand.
Is it boring? Yes
Is it predictable? Yes
It Chadwick's acting really that good? Sadly, no
Has the story been done better? Yes, way better
Would you recommend this film? No
Was there anything good about the film? Ummmmmm Oh yes, I liked the font on the credits.
To sum up, it's too long and boring. Go watch Denzel in the Equaliser or John Wick or Taken or 2 Girls one cup.
Monster Hunter (2020)
Is that Snarf from Thundercats?
I don't know whether to be mad or happy about this film.
It's a comedy action movie with absolutely no plot/story to speak of.
Milla plays the same role she always does which is ok. Meh
The best thing about this movie is Ron Pearlman's character which I assume is Snarf from Thundercats.
The CGI is good in parts and terrible in others. I suppose the animators wrist must have gotten tired.
Please tell me there isn't going to be a sequel unless it's the Thundercats origin story.
Best scene in the film is the post credit scene where the CGI Cat joins the fight. Haha
In conclusion, if you are looking for a movie to watch while you play on your phone, this will do.
Personally I would rather go for a swim at Michael Barrymore's house than watch this again.
Sicario (2015)
Let me be Blunt
This film looked and sounded great.
Intense, raw storytelling absolutely ruined by Emily Blunts character.
Out of all the people to choose to join the team, why did they choose a stupid, emotional do-gooder.
Blunts character added nothing to the story apart from moans and groans every time she made a ridiculous decision or spoke about procedure.
Thanos and the Collector are brilliant in this. Each character is different but focused on what they need to do.
In summation, this film could have been brilliant. There's a reason Blunts character isn't in the sequel.
Mary Queen of Scots (2018)
We need more Woke PC Diversity people!
Come on folks, this was hilarious.
Why would you make a historical movie about a very important time period historically accurate? Haha
The feminist director clearly has an agenda. All the men are evil, cheating, lying, ambitious and incompetent.
The rumour is, she is directing the new Wesley Snipes biopic starring Jim Carrey.
I am surprised one of the characters didn't identify as a half eaten cheese sandwich!
OK, calm down let's look at the positives. There are none!
Talk about action, emotion, drama, excitement, there is none! Wtf
Go watch Elizabeth and Elizabeth the golden age starting Cate Blanchett. Far better than this rubbish.
Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel (2021)
Some Chinese chick did herself in
That's it.
How did they manage to string this out for 4 episodes!
Well, I will tell you. They interviewed lots of youtubers who don't know their arse from their elbow about anything and asked for their opinions and theory's on what happened.
This looked great on the trailer and I thought it was going to be an interesting look at a hotel with unusual tenants and guests. It quickly changed from that to some Chinese chick who was depressed committing suicide. Wtf.
Shame on whoever is responsible for this dross.
A Quiet Place (2018)
Should we have a baby? I can't see why not! Hahaha
It's difficult to make a good film about aliens who kill everyone who makes a sound. So they didn't even try.
Why did they decide to have a child knowing it would result in certain death?
Why did the dad commit suicide? Could he not have just thrown a stick to make a noise?
I found myself rooting for the aliens at the end.
If you have an IQ similar to a sock, you will love this.
Black Panther (2018)
Just a few questions.
Not sure this movie will age well. The premise of not helping the rest of the planet with their technology and blaming those pesky whites for being the cause of all evil in the world will sour quickly.
Why are they fighting with knives and spears like savages? Don't they live in the most technologically advanced place in earth? (The ships have guns)
Why are they not helping the rest of the African nations? Don't some Africans have to walk 10 miles to get some water in most places and eat grass! Selfish!
Out of the two bad guys, did they really have to make one a white South African. Careful now.
This movie was vastly overrated but I can understand that with today's racial climate.
Woofing like dogs and the shoulder dance was embarrassing.
I thought Chadwick did a great job and made the role his own so well done to him. I look forward to seeing him again.
More of a local tribal squabble than a superhero movie but it was Ok. Meh.
Anyway, I'm off to send £5 to Africa so they can build a well. Thanks a lot Wakanda.
The Boys (2019)
Strap yourself in and feel the G's
The Boys is mega!!
Raw, unforgiving fun.
If you are boring and a sissy, don't watch.
This new world full of snowflakes is trying to ruin everything but not this.
Don't think, just watch.
The Drowning (2021)
Should we come up with a new idea? No!
Granted I have only watched the first episode but this is garbage.
Are there no new ideas out there. I'm asleep.
The music makes you think something is going to happen, then nothing happens and I find myself getting angry at the TV.
Is it really that easy to give terrible fake documents to a school and just start working! Hmmm I think not.
Do yourself a favour and jump onto Netflix and watch The Boys.
The Fall (2013)
It should have been called The Wall, because that's how interesting it is.
I'm confused, is this a show about how stupid the police can be?
This guy would have been locked up inside two episodes.
I have only watched season 1 and I can't see how there are more series. They have got him haven't they?
Talk about sloooooow. I'm falling asleep trying to watch this rubbish.
Gillian looks great though.
Life (2017)
10, 9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 Stupid!
This is what would happen if you sent me and the lads to space and we discovered an alien being.
I didn't know that you could be a tard and still join NASA and go to space.
Plus point - Rebecca Ferguson is booming. She was also great in Doctor Sleep.
Deadpool clearly didn't want to stick around, which tells you how stupid this movie must be.
I have also seen this movie before but it was called Alien.
Anyway I'm off to join NASA. Should be easy.
If we do get taken over by a master alien race in the near future. My bad.
The Sister (2020)
Divorce
The missus made me watch this show.
We are now getting divorced!!
Who is responsible for rubbish like this?
My favourite part was when something nearly happened and then nothing happened!
The acting is awful. The directing is terrible.
Anyway I'm off to the solicitors.
Bye