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The Haunted World of El Superbeasto (2009)
Surprise! Gratuitous gore and nudity can be tiresome
I really tried to give "The Haunted World of El Superbeasto" a chance.
Yes, it's a Rob Zombie movie- meaning that he casts his friends in an overlong music video for a song that has only overstayed its welcome on the classic rock airwaves by thirty years. Yes, it's animated by Spumco- meaning that no fungus-ridden toenail, no wax-encrusted ear canal, and CERTAINLY no booger-filled nostril would be denied a graphic close-up still.
But know that I hushed my wife every time she said "NOT FUNNY." Know that memories of Spumco's groundbreaking "Ren & Stimpy" remained fully entrenched in my mind through my movie. Know that the odyssey of the washed-up wrestler El Superbeasto and his sister Susie-X (Sheri Moon Zombie in a Mary Sue role) through the Haunted World holds so much promise and in its three years of development we all had every right to be excited. But golly gee whillikers; when I crossed The Film Director of No Restraint with The Animation Company of No Restraint. you know what I got...? Bored.
...sorry...
Look, shock gags are like betta fish- they do not mix well with others of their kind. When filming or drawing something provocative, it needs time to captivate. Enthrall. Repulse. Take root in the viewer's brain (watch "Meet The Feebles"- ah HAH; see the people near you cringing upon mention of that movie...? THAT'S how you shock someone!) In El Superbeasto however, there is so much breasts and blood and gore and breasts and blood and gore and breasts and blood and gore and breasts and blood and gore and breasts and blood and gore and breasts and blood and gore and breasts and blood and gore in the first FIVE MINUTES that it's like the aforementioned bettas in the same bowl- they've immediately rendered each other to shreds, and all we're left to watch is a bowl of lifeless mud. And no amount of Nazi zombies can resuscitate that.
And- for a world inhabited by every movie and fiction monster out there- the movie can be stunningly predictable. If you can't figure out for yourself why the Bride of Frankenstein is coming to climax while sitting in a haunted lagoon, look out- you're clearly a one-celled organism and there's an amoeba waiting to engulf you.
That's not so say that "El Superbeasto" is unwatchable. Some of the songs are genuinely enjoyable. Most of the jokes come from Dr. Satan and his gorilla Otto (ripped from "George Of The Jungle", but hell that's always funny) and their interaction with Velvet Von Black. Granted, that could be because El Superbeasto himself is the most detestable protagonist I've seen in a long time- over-the-topness be damned. I'm trying to imagine Zombie writing him up, and saying to himself "Now THIS is a guy I can spend four hours alone on a car trip with!" I'm failing.
I also take offense to Zombie's ubiquitous nods to the classic horror and exploitation films of the past because I truly believe that they're lacking in respect. Tura Satana reprises her role as "Faster, Pussycat! Kill!! Kill!!!"'s lethal lady Varla long enough for Susie-X to slam a door in her face. Zombie's beloved "Phantom Creep" robot has a major role as Susie's sidekick, but he's a horndog who transforms into a crab-walk-like car that Susie drives by lying belly-down upon, and shifting a single lever between his legs. (...Get it? Bela Lugosi does. And he's underground right now crying.)
Other references include Michael Myers is struck by a car as he crosses the street- which of course stands as a great metaphor for what Zombie did to the "Halloween" remake. Worst of all, the ending to "Carrie" is ripped off and accompanied by a song decrying Zombie for ripping off "Carrie". No wait- that may be squaresies with how many times Otis Firefly and Captain Spaulding appear in this film. And then when El Superbeasto grabs a mic and bursts into Loverboy's "Piece of My Heart"... ooh, we have a triple tie.
...I think that if The Haunted World of El Superbeasto was more in form with "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog", it'd be much more enjoyable. Now I didn't really care for Dr. Horrible, but the "villains" received much more screen time than the "heroes", so I can understand its appeal. Come to think of it, that was what I liked about Zombie's own "House of 1,000 Corpses", so why couldn't lightning have struck twice...? Instead, Rob Zombie's first animated opus is kind of like an "Austin Powers" movie. Only Austin has been replaced with Andrew "Dice" Clay. And Dr. Evil and Mini-Me are holding out for more money.
...Finally, here's an aside to all the other commenters mentioning "El Superbeasto" in the same breath as Ralph Bakshi's "Fritz The Cat": Please go SEE "Fritz". Immediately. This way you can go back and edit your "Superbeasto" IMDb entries with a sincere apology explaining how foolish you were to compare Bakshi's razor-sharp dissection of '60's college life and pop philosophy with Zombie's non-stop potty humor. Some of you, within ten minutes of watching "Fritz", may realize how freaking wrong you were and cannot wait until after the closing credits to amend your original text. You are quite permitted to pause the film.
In other words, "The Haunted World of El Superbeasto" and "Fritz The Cat" are animated films with adult ratings- That's their ONLY similarity! END OF!!
The Signal (2007)
Watch the first story. And then SHUT OFF THE PLAYER AND WALK AWAY
Picture this. You're at an electronics store wanting to buy a high-quality camera. You've been staring at the Nikons behind the glass for a while, and you're ready to talk to the sales associate. But the associate doesn't understand cameras and tries to sell you a washing machine instead. And no matter how much you tell them you don't WANT a washing machine, they persist- even leading you away from the camera aisle towards the home appliance section. Finally the manager hears your anger and steps in to diffuse the situation, but instead of selling you the Nikon, he gives you a free Kodak Instamatic and closes the store.
That's what it's like to watch "The Signal", a frustrating horror movie involving a weird transmission that turns everyone who receives it into a stark staring bonkers maniac. This happens overnight as Mya, a young woman notices her crummy husband Lewis and everyone else in her apartment building suddenly killing each other. She escapes to find her secret lover Ben.
The first thirty minutes are scary as all get-out. It's well filmed and thought-out, the kills are shocking, the tension is thick enough to stop a runaway truck, and the ground rules for how to survive are being laid down.
Then suddenly, the director stops. "Oops, that's the end of my shift," he says, "you'll want to talk to the afternoon guy; have a good day." And you're like "What? Wait! NO!!" You see, this movie is split up into three stories concerning the mysterious Signal- each handled by a different director. So the second director walks up, and his shoes are on the wrong feet and he's drooling, and he promptly walks over to the camera to set up a shot, realizes he's staring into the big lens, laughs to himself, sits in his chair, falls backwards, and resumes filming... a horror-comedy skit.
The second story just SUCKS. It COMPLETELY wrecks the mood of the first vignette with its bad black humor, cornball piano cues, intolerable running time, and a crappy misogynistic party guest given waaaay too many unfunny lines. It also concentrates on turning Lewis into the villain by pesticiding a woman to death- isn't that just so funny? Torturing women...? But Lewis isn't the movie's monster; the SIGNAL is. And to have it take a back seat to another garden-variety psycho is infuriating.
The third story tries to tie up the loose ends with Ben looking for Mya. And now that we have a third director at the reins, the characters we grew to enjoy have degenerated into stock heroes and damsels in distress with over-the-top gore. Which I really don't mind- but the most shocking kill in the film happened in the first story in a hallway with some hedge clippers- and there was barely any blood involved in that at all.
Watch the first story of "The Signal". It's fantastic. Watch it again immediately. But know that with the second story onward, the film just poops its pants.
4/10
Niagara (1953)
This is what films in the '50s were like...? Keep them
Nowadays you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a stodgy, fussy film critic who, yearning for the Golden Age of films, whines endlessly about vapid summer blockbusters that solely depend on eye-candy. It's great to know that vapid blockbusters plagued that age of film as well.
Such is the case with "Niagara", an astonishingly suspenseless film noir where the eye candy in this case is Marilyn Monroe playing a bored femme fatale out to bump off George Loomis, her funeral dirge of a husband.
This murder plot draws the Cutlers, a vacationing couple. She's a meek little mouse, and he's that worst type of nerd- the one who brays his jokes out loud because he thinks he's clever. He also subjugates his wife by convincing her that she's batspit crazy whenever the need arises- which it does in this film.
Yes- Marilyn Monroe is very attractive. Yes- Niagara Falls is beautiful. But the PACING of this film is INTERMINABLE. We're never given a reason to give a fig about the Cutlers or the Loomises, and any time that could be used for character development is squandered on training the camera on Ms. Monroe as she performs the most mundane of activities.
And just when we get sick of Annoying Braying Nerd, the film gives us... ANOTHER Annoying Braying Nerd. But larger. And LOUDER.
My first warning of this film's stinkitude occurred when Gerd Oswald was listed in the credits as assistant director. Who is Gerd Oswald, you ask? Only the director of "Agent for H.A.R.M.", a crappy James Bond knock-off which was lampooned on "Mystery Science Theatre 3000". This quip of Michael J. Nelson's easily applies to "Niagara": "Gerd your oswalds; it's gonna be a rough one."
3 out of... No. No, there's too many positive reviews for this film. Folks, you can resume drooling over Marilyn once you've learned to call a spade a spade. 1/10.
I'm gonna go wash out this "classic" with a healthy dose of "Sleepaway Camp". And I'll be the better for it.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Only three things will survive nuclear winter: rats, roaches and Indiana Jones
Last night, my wife, our friend and I caught the double bill of "Hellboy II: The Golden Army" and "Indiana Jones and the Cumbersome Title".
It shouldn't blow my mind that the former, with its government employed, good-hearted pit fiend who enters a "troll market" to beat the crap out of elves, is a zillion times more plausible and believable than the latter. However, it DOES. There still must be some belief in either George Lucas or Steven Spielberg that lingers within me, using a stick to beat back the suffocating tide of cynicism within my obsidian heart. (I'm hoping that my middle finger raised and directed towards this summer's "Clone Wars" will finally overwhelm it.)
A colossal glut of distressingly unchecked STUPID contaminates "Crystal Skull." I want to list it all and yet I DON'T want to. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't this the movie where Indiana Jones was a little long in the tooth and couldn't quite pull off the crazy stunts of yore? Wasn't his basic human frailty the reason he resonated with us so? We BELIEVED it when he single-handedly took down a truck of armed Nazi soldiers.
Well, apparently in his old age, he's traded standard human athleticism for freakin' superpowers. He escapes a swarm of army ants tough enough to drag human beings back to their anthill, survives plummeting from three 200' high waterfalls in succession without grinding his 65-year-old hips into powdered Tang, ducks the same style of car collision that Stuntman Mike used to shred four girls into pulled pork in "Death Proof" (from BEHIND!), and... well, it involves a refrigerator and a nuclear explosion.
...I'm sorry. I meant "Indy and up to four other people survive all these". One of whom doesn't even know what planet he's on.
Crap- I am listing it all, aren't I...? Well, might as well complete it:
-You could just... y'know, CLOSE YOUR EYES if you don't want to stare into the Crystal Skull anymore, Indy. Heck, it worked for the Wrath of God in the first movie...
-Though it killed the momentum, I liked this little speech that Indy gave. "With scorpions, the bigger the better... If a little one stings you, don't keep it to yourself." I guess Lucas and co. didn't want moviegoers freaking out and squashing the fairly harmless Emperor scorpions because of this movie. But hey- snakes make AWESOME rope!!!
-When did Indy become a colonel in the U.S. Army?
-STALIN WAS NOT OBSESSED WITH THE OCCULT! He had ONE obsession: KILLING PEOPLE! "Who said I was obsessed with the Occult...? Kill them!"
-How does Indy become the Assistant Dean of the University after being blacklisted for suspicion of Communism and returning from Peru with... NOTHING to show for it, except for... FURTHER dabbles with the Russians?
-What was the point of the monument to the late Marcus Brody losing its head as a car crashed into it...? It didn't stop the bad guys- it only made Indy sour. That wasn't amusing.
-And how did Brody die anyway? Did he finally succumb to the terminal cornballitis that afflicted him during "Indiana Jones And What Should Have Been The Last Crusade?"
Then you have Chiapet LeBouffant (sp?) who summons all of his woodland friends to help him before he stands on two moving cars while taking numerous Amazonian sapling thrashes to the junk, the useless Ray Winstone who helps/betrays/helps/betrays Indy (gee, George; did you see "Pirates of The Caribbean" too?) and Cate Blanchett playing the least terrifying villain since whoever threw down with Bugs Bunny last.
...And I haven't even mentioned the aliens yet.
OR the prairie dogs.
Think I'll just post this and reflect on how good "Hellboy II" was.
2/10.
...And did Indy even fire his gun ONCE...? Damn you, Spielberg!
Natural Born Killers (1994)
A stunning and provocative tour de force- provided you're 12 years old
I actually hadn't seen this film until just recently. My wife was telling me how awesome it was when she saw it way back in her high school days, and how she'd like to see it again to see how it holds up. It doesn't. "Natural Born Killers" is one of those movies for film students to act like they like.
Oliver Stone- who proves as adept with satire as beluga whales are with unicycles- tells the story of Mickey and Mallory Knox, a husband and wife pair of self-obsessed, boorish thrill-killers who travel the highway and shoot and stab people whenever they feel like it. But before you pass judgment, know that their prison warden (Tommy Lee Jones), the television cop out to arrest them (Tom Sizemore) and a ghoulish TV reporter (Robert Downey Jr.) are ALSO all psychotically unhinged idiots. So whenever Mick and Mal blow away a terrified waitress after a game of "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe", go easy on them, okay? They're the GOOD GUYS, after all.
In a pitiful attempt to camouflage NBK's train wreck of a story, Stone imbues the film with bizarre and "trippy" visuals such as modern-day graphics superimposed over graphics, constant switches between color film and black-and-white, and footage of other movies, like the far more entertaining "Night Of The Lepus". I've stripped a star from its rating because of every crappy modern-day horror film director that saw this over-budget student film as inspiring (I'm looking at you, Mr. Zombie).
Especially when Mick and Mal talk about their love/scream at each other in the same manner as the preteens this film was likely targeted at, forcing us to concentrate on the film's soundtrack (which is, thankfully, incredibly good.) The performances are also well done and in the spirit of the original screenplay, and the film is indeed memorable, though I'm not sure if that's really a good thing.
I also liked how an adrenaline-packed shoot-out is just what any man needs to stave off the hemotoxin from a rattlesnake bite, and how our prison system would gleefully let the Most Dangerous Man In America dance and joke about in a room full of shotguns while a full-scale prison riot rages.
The celebrity of serial killers indeed warrants discussion (and if that idea disgusts you, then stop dressing up like a pirate on Halloween.) But sorry, Ollie: let Tarantino do Tarantino- instead of being irritating, self-indulgent and hypocritical, the film would merely have been irritating and self-indulgent. All I got from this overlong rock video was a yearning for "Night of The Lepus"- and when your high-quality art-film persuades its viewers to see giant rabbits tear apart a Texas town, just strike the set.
Only see "Natural Born Killers" if you're a zebra who loves to hear the lions preach to you about how awful and despicable those darned hyenas are.
2/10.
The Dark Knight (2008)
What happened? Movies nowadays aren't SUPPOSED to be this good
I have come home from the theater and I am simply floored. Not since the Lord Of The Rings films have I left my local multiplex in this much awe.
I hadn't seen any of the summer blockbusters this year. "Indiana Jones"... "Iron Man"... "The Hulk"... I let them all pass by. So I think I can safely say that if you can only see ONE of the summer blockbusters of 2008, make it "The Dark Knight".
Heath Ledger (rest in peace, you wonderful, wonderful maniac) portrays the Joker like no one ever before (Jack who?). He truly creates what the Joker is supposed to be: a fearless, sane madman who truly is the only person in the world that actually frightens Batman. It's not a spoiler to say how much I loved the Joker's magic trick with the pencil.
Apart from that, the movie also explores exactly how outside the law Batman is, and what lengths both he and Commissioner Gordon will travel to bring the Joker to justice. Stunning, dramatic and unpredictable- and there's not one slice of "cheese" (you know, what has plagued ol' Bats ever since he first stepped in front of the cameras) in this whole film.
...Downsides? Christian Bale could probably stop growling so much, but that doesn't warrant removing a star. 10 out of 10.
Kataude mashin gâru (2008)
Knockdown, guns-a'blazin' gorefest that falls just shy of the mark
...Halfway through the flick I was all set to just shut off the DVD player, return the rental, and run out and buy my own copy of "Machine Girl." It had it all: over-the-top gore, non-stop action, and truly despicable bad guys. The death of high schooler Ami's brother by Yakuza thugs leads to a spiral of vengeance that sees buckets of hilariously absurd bloodshed- and that's even BEFORE Ami becomes the titular superhero who replaces her lost left arm with a Gatling gun seemingly set on "Unlimited Ammo".
It even has the satirical edge, too. "Machine Girl" lampoons family values- specifically the extremes that relatives will pursue to protect or avenge each other. When requests to speak with a couple's son are met with golf club beatings and tempura'ed body parts, you know you're in awesome parodyville.
But come the third act, Machine Girl goes too far (even for itself) and tries to point out the folly in, um... bereavement? After Ami gleefully slays a trio of ninjas, the Yakuza convince the ninjas' sobbing parents to join them and get vengeance upon the Machine Girl. The parents are turned into super-soldiers with various armor, each one sporting their child's photo on their chest.
Great. Now the villains have the same motive as our heroine, and nothing- NOTHING- makes the transmission of a high-speed splatterfest fall out quicker than HUMANIZING THE BAD GUYS. Call me a prude if you must, but this didn't work for me. The film is still enjoyable, but I confess that my laughter at the climatic mayhem was fairly forced- even with the added nemesis of a "drill bra" at the end.
You can't have it both ways, Machine Girl. If violence IS the only answer, don't EVER make us look back. And because of this, my original rating of 8 stars has been knocked down to a 7.
Wicked Little Things (2006)
A strict curfew upon an Appalachian town is enforced by The Living Dead Dolls
I saw Wicked Little Things as part of the "8 Films To Die For" Horrorfest, and this was the only film that disappointed me. To wit, a mom, her little girl and her teenage daughter settle down in an abandoned house in the Pennsylvania mountains. Every night, however, the vengeful spirits of children killed in a coal mine run about and slaughter anyone they find.
I guess the director was banking on his viewers being repulsed that children would be capable of pickaxe murders and eating human flesh (of which there are lavish close-ups, as a nice homage to George Romero) because the film just isn't scary otherwise. Simply put, there are far too many establishing shots of the evil kids jogging to their next murder site. If someone's gonna get it in the barn, there will be a shot of the kids ARRIVING at the barn (oh the suspense) and then moving in for the kill.
Come to think of it, why do the kids suddenly walk SO SLOWLY when they corner their prey? And not that I have any experience in this, but I think a shotgun blast will throw a child A LOT FARTHER than this film implies...? Nor does it help that the mom is one of the worst parents I've ever seen in any film. "The lock on the front door is busted"? You have an EIGHT-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER in the WOODS with BEARS and MOUNTAIN LIONS! FIX IT, you MORON!!! Plus, Mom and her oldest daughter look waaaay too close together in age- even for a teen pregnancy, and there's a pretty unbelievable death which involves sneaking up on somebody trying to push a car out of the mud with their butt.
I'm giving this a 3 because it tried. As a splatter film it's not bad. But for good scares, go elsewhere.