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matthewjdarch
Reviews
Barbershop (2002)
why does everyone like this movie?
this movie is boring. I actually lost interest near the end and shut it off. I am not the kind of person who criticizes everything, I love movies, good and bad. But this is just boring. Everybody told me it was soooo funny but it really isn't. Also I find Ice Cube to be the opposite of versatile... he gives the same lingo and gangsta rapper bad grammar to all of his characters even when they should be a bit different. Also, what is with the barbershop employee driving a cadillac escalade?
Old School (2003)
EARMUFFS!
Holy @#$% this movie is so hilarious!!! I just saw it in the theater and the whole audience was cracking up the whole time. Everybody was clapping at the end the same way they did after Lord Of The Rings or any Star Wars movie... that doesn't happen often after comedies. I didn't expect it to be half as good as it was, many of the recent comedy flicks on the big screen have been let downs but this movie is just so damn funny all the way through. Will Farrel is shameless! I can't wait for it to come out on dvd!
Rollerball (2002)
I liked it... but I like stupid movies!
*spoilers... maybe* Everyone has already explained over and over the flaws about the movie. They are right. This movie was a creation that self destructed... but they released it anyway. All you need to know is this: It was entertaining, more so than most B-movies, and Rebecca Romijn Stamos is so hot with black leather and a big scar!!! Plus the blood bath at the end was satisfying to watch... even if it was silly!
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
oh baby, a killer Santa, I am in heaven!
*possible spoilers* This is your typical eighties slasher flick. Don't expect anything more. It is a straight run through of the slasher flick formula, a kid is traumatized from (what's it gonna be this time boys?) witnessing the cruel murder of his parents, grows up with repressed memories and then one day he snaps and goes on a gory murderous rampage and he especially likes to kill people who are naked and about to have sex. So, basicly it is a typical run of the mill slasher flick except for the a big added treat, our killer of the day is in a Santa Claus suit and says one of two words before he kills,"Punish!" or "Naughty!", what more could you want. Plus it features the legendary scream queen Linnea Quigley(return of the living dead) who gets killed(of course) in a very amusing way. b-horror at its best!
Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)
Worst movie, best song
I can't say this movie was the best, but if you pretend it's not a Halloween movie (which is not very hard to do), it's not as bad. The one awesome thing about it was the song.. "One more day 'til Halloween, Silver Shamrock!". The end is pretty twisted, and illogical. At least the song makes up for the lack of plot.
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)
HOLY #$@% LOOKIT THE LITTLE GREEN BUGGER GO!
*possible Spoilers* Wow, this movie rocked! It has amazing scenery. It has cheesy love. It has funny robots. It has only a few appearances of Jar Jar that don't really muck up the movie at all. It has (most importantly) All of the Jedi Knights fighting together using there light sabers gloriously in a battle sequence that is utterly unforgettable!!!!! And you just wait until you see that green little guy fight with a light saber! talk funny, yoda does, but fight he can, like no other! AMAZING! To say that the STAR WARS franchise has been redeemed is an understatement! Go see this movie!
Novocaine (2001)
Disappointingly boring, contrived and formulaic *SPOILERS*
*SPOILERS* I was quite excited to see Steve Martin's newest flick, and I feel somewhat let down. Steve Martin is (in my opinion) best suited for quality comedy or quality drama. The funniest thing in this movie is Steve Martin slipping in blood. Whatever happened to banana peels?. Actually, I must confess, I have always wanted to make a movie (horror) where the characters were slipping because of the copious amounts of blood on the floor. Anyhoo, back to the movie! This movie was a sort of slightly darker and deeper version of an over used formula. The whole murder mystery with the guy getting framed and then finding out that he was set up by the people closest to him. So everything goes bad and then he (steve martin's character)fakes his own death by putting his teeth in the mouth of a corpse and setting it on fire, leaving the teeth as the only clue as to whose body it is. I know this was in another movie but it is escaping me at the moment... maybe you know the one I am talking about. And in the end he has his silly fantasy happy ending where him and his knocked up ex-junkie turned house wife move into his dream home, a small villa in France with cheerful sunflowers growing around it and bright green grass and blue skies... of course all facilitated by the money he made from his new best seller book "Novocaine" which he wrote telling the story we just witnessed. How many movies was that in? Saving Grace is one... there is another one but I can't think of it right now. How unoriginal. I would not buy his book Novocaine if it really did exist. I also would not have wasted the money renting this boring movie if I had a time machine and could go back and warn myself! It was so boring that when my girlfriend went to the bathroom right as the conclusion was about to happen she didn't ask me to pause it! And when she came back, as the end credits were rolling up the screen she told me not to rewind it for her either. I briefed the ending for her anyway and she (a girl who loves happy endings no matter how stupid)didn't even care how it ended. The happy ending did not redeem this movie, neither did the great cast. This movie was boring... skip it! actually, there was one funny part, the panties in the dentist's office (left behind by "the other woman")and later, they were hanging out of Steve's pocket and his secretary is like "oh, your hanky is hanging out your pocket" and he says,"what hanky" and she yanks them out of his pocket, only to discover that they are red panties. How awkward! That was sort of funny... I guess.
The Wash (2001)
It exceeded my expectations!
*possible spoilers* I rented The Wash assuming that it would be a weak plotted over blown rap video... which for the most part it is, but that is not to say that I didn't enjoy it! The jokes were good, better than some of the jokes in movies that actually got played at the theater in my town! I thought Dr. Dre's acting was quite good, although I don't think it is fair that Snoop's rather detestable character got all the booty while Dre's character got the shaft by the woman he had just met and got left with nothing but some lotion "in case you get tha urge". Snoop's role really didn't deviate at all from the role he plays whenever he is in front of a mic or a camera which is okay but I would kind of enjoy seeing him do something totally unexpected for a change. I like the fact that the director gave himself the role of the dumbest guy in the film. The characters were all likeable and very funny. Although, as I have said, Snoop (who is one of my absolute favorite musicians, especially when teamed up with Dre)had a role that was really just more of the same. All in all, I really did get a kick out of this movie and I would say that it is definitely worth renting for sh*ts and giggles and if you are a fan of Snoop, Dre, Eminem or any of the great cast or if you love cheesy gangsta rapper spoof flicks then it is definitely worth buying! I only wish the DVD included some outtakes or bloopers as a special feature!! This movie is fun and should be put on your shelf right beside CB4, Fear of a Black Hat, Friday, Don't be a menace the south central while drinking your juice in the hood, I'm gonna git you sucka, or on a more serious note you could also put them next to Juice, Menace To Society,Boyz N the Hood, and Baby Boy! Oh, and soundtrack is great! I look forward to seeing another Snoop and Dre flick, if it gets made!
MADtv (1995)
HE LOOK LIKE A MAN!
Mad tv rocks! It is always fun to watch! Big laughs! Mo Collins,the "ups guy" and especially "Stuart" and Alex Borstein as "BUNNY SWAN" are awesome!! SNL has gone to the dogs but this show is consistently funny. Now it is on every day, three episodes in a row! I couldn't be happier! Me and my girlfriend always watch hoping that the character of Bunny Swan will appear, she is absolutely, nothing short of hilarious! Bunny quote: I tell you everyting, he look like a man!
Soul of the Demon (1991)
So bad it's good!
This is the most ridiculously low budget horror flick I've ever seen! It's awesome! And somehow they manage to have quite a few over the top gory special effects scenes through out the movie. It tends to follow the ancient formulas,e.g.: When one of they characters decides to leave the group to pick up some pizza,...of course he gets killed first! The characters are the cheesiest tough guy metal heads you've ever seen! Here is my favorite line from the movie: girl: Hey, your nose is bleeding! Are you okay!?! guy: Uh, yeah, huh huh, must be the rough sex! *blood start pouring from his ears too* guy:UUUUUHHH, IT HURTS...*BOOM, his head blows up only to be followed by an even more impressive death as the "girl" is raised up off the bed and torn into two pieces by some invisible force!* If you love movies that are so bad they are good, you will love this!