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clearlymachine
1/10 - either technically incompetent, broken, or provided me with such a miserable experience that i would actively avoid watching the media again
5/10 - competent at its base; neither exceptionally enjoyable nor unenjoyable
10/10 - extraordinarily enjoyable to where i would watch it multiple times without complaint, with absolutely nothing i would change about it
Ratings
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Reviews
Gummibär: The Yummy Gummy Search for Santa (2012)
...What?
Yes, of course this film is incompetently bad. What I was not expecting, however, was a mind-rotting fever dream full of scenes, characters and (especially) dialogue that made absolutely no sense on even the most surface of levels. I hate this movie. I want that wasted time back.
Corpse Party: Tortured Souls (2013)
An insult to the game this was based on
This was an appalling attempt to cram 10-20 hours of gameplay into less than two hours. The original game's story was so well-crafted and had a wonderful sense of pacing, enough time to develop each major character, add tension, and was so clearly written with care and precision- this OVA has none of the above, even going so far as to swap some characters' roles. The deaths in the OVA were rushed and without weight, as the audience is expected to grasp 12+ characters within the first half of its running time. On the other hand, the scenic art and backgrounds were beautifully rendered, and the animation itself was smooth- yet frequent cutting and lackluster music evaporated any sense of tension. If you're after an animated gore-fest under the guise of a story retelling with some unnecessary and strangely placed panty-shots, I suppose this is the OVA for you.
The Emoji Movie (2017)
The Advertisement Movie
The lack of pacing and an absolute absence of plot depth made watching this a tiring exercise of patience. When I wasn't cringing at the stupidly unfunny jokes and product placement, I found myself rolling my eyes at the ridiculously predictable dialogue. When I wasn't rolling my eyes, I was desperately checking the running time- which I did about every ten or fifteen minutes. Once it was finally over, I lied face-down on my bed, willing any memories of having watched The Emoji Movie to leave my now much smaller brain. However, I can now live a far happier life knowing that I will never have to subject my ears and eyeballs to this movie again.
Curse of the Nun (2019)
I was going to rate this movie a 2, but...
The mid-credits and after-credits scenes were so insultingly bad that I couldn't possibly rate it anything higher than a 1. Bad premise, bad acting, bad lighting and atrocious sound-design made the entire movie painful to watch- so much so that I was hoping Sister Catherine would turn out to be real, and that she would jump out of the screen to kill me and end the movie-watching experience.
The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012)
To describe it as "painful" would be an understatement
As someone who thoroughly enjoys watching bad and low-rated movies, there are very few films which I'd place in the 'you could not pay me to sit through this again' category. This is one of them. Sincerely, someone who has sat through 'After Last Season' twice.
Gekijô-ban poketto monsutâ: Myûtsû no gyakushû Evolution (2019)
Nostalgic, beautiful CGI, a nice tribute to the original
I was immediately impressed by the gorgeous environments and lifelike textures given to the Pokemon. The original movie was a childhood staple for me, and the flow of this remake's story and dialogue, while mostly unchanged, I found to actually be more natural than the original. Short, sweet, and despite the unavoidable awkwardness of the English dub, was something I consider to be time well spent.