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johncalvinwisdom
Reviews
Spiders (2000)
It's All About the Spider
This was a fun low-budget sci-fi movie. The plot was quickly predictable. The acting was wonderfully mediocre. The special effects were perfectly average. The dialogue was exactly what you'd expect, with extraneous profanity even the actors weren't comfortable with. But with a spider terrorizing the city that gets bigger every time it reproduces inside a new human victim, who really cares about anything else anyway?
Patriot (2015)
This Show Is Boring
Obviously I'm in the minority, but maybe I'm not alone. Because this series is neither comedy, or drama, it's been described as dramedy. I'd call it an abject failure.
The humor is sadistic, not dark, not slapstick. One of the initial big laughs occurs when the star pushes a weaker man in front of a bus, just because he knew the weaker man would get the job he just applied for.
The plot unfolds like tar, not sweet molasses. It would take a decent drama 10 minutes of good acting to set up the main family's relationships and personality quirks. This show was still trying to do that at the end of episode 2.
The characters are not thought-provoking; they're just bland. The star has no skills other than killing people and writing folk-music. He doesn't suffer through moral dilemmas. He just acts without contemplation. He's neither a washed-up under-dog nor a hilarious screw up. He's obviously got psychiatric problems, but they're not the interesting kind that make you route for him. They're the kind that make him boring and predictable. He can't remember how to do his cover job or even where to park, but he has no problem remembering 10 different ways to kill people. So quickly he becomes super predictable = boring. And it's not like a good action film chocked full of good chase or fight scenes. You have to muck through 45 minutes of failed dramedy for a couple good 30-second action scenes.
The only reason I gave more than one star is that the folk music is pretty decent, but even the music slows down the plot. First, he kills someone; then he makes up a song about it. The viewer has to suffer through a languishing plot twice over.
Obviously this show appeals to a niche in our society. I guess I'm just sorry I live in a society that has enough people that enjoy watching this trash.
Hold the Dark (2018)
The Plot's a Mystery You Never Feel Like Solving
The whole movie unfolds before you really understand what's happening. That could be ok except that there's never anything in the movie that makes you want to know what's going on. The bigger mystery to me is why so many people even bother to watch the movie.
Crocodile 2: Death Swamp (2002)
Horrible Language
I couldn't get more than halfway through this movie. My observation was that the writers couldn't think of convincing dialogue for more than half of the storyline. They filled in the other half with profanity. Don't get me wrong. I'm a huge Dir Hard fan and the colorful metaphors can add to suspense, excitement and character development. In this movie however, any actual suspense, excitement, or character development is muddied by the fact that everything is always profanity-laced. Sorry. Any attempt the creators had at a fun low budget horror movie was despoiled by poor script-writing.
Dark Descent (2002)
Skip This One, From One Fan of Low Budget Movies to Another
The plot is so slow as to be nearly non-existant. The acting isn't corny-bad; it's just bad. The special effects were not fun or funny; they were just terrible. The set is all gray. The digital quality is so low that many bland screens just look like large pixillated stripes of differing grays. The music is dull. Honestly, I do enjoy a lot of different low-budget movies, but there's just nothing that makes this one worth watching.
Post Impact (2004)
Much Better Than The One-Star Reviews
This is low-budget SciFi. If you're looking for a Hollywood Blockbuster then why even start watching a movie like this? Who cares that the science is bad? It's fun! Who cares the guns aren't right? They shoot the bad guys just fine! Who cares that the accents are horrible? The dialogue is so corny it doesn't matter! Who cares that the protagonist has conflicted interests? This isn't Shakespeare!
On the other hand this movie is exactly what it was intended to be: mildly entertaining and playfully challenging of societal norms.
Komodo vs. Cobra (2005)
Great Low Budget Horror Film
The monster reptiles are laughable CGI, but they do their jobs well of eating all extraneous characters. The acting is perfectly bad because no one is trying to be better than they are. The story line is wonderfully predictable. The elevator music would put you to sleep before the elevator reached the third floor. One unusual positive for a low budget movie is the beautiful island scenery. Overall I loved it!
Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation (2004)
The 1st One Is So Much Better
Better acting. Better plot. Better sets. Real blanks for real guns. The only enjoyable aspect of this movie was the plot twist whereby the bugs enacted a totally different st at they for galactic domination.
Shark Hunter (2001)
Too Slow
I respectfully disagree with those who say we viewers need to dumb down our standards in order to watch low-budget movies. There are plenty of good low-budget horror movies out there. This one isn't one of them. This movie keeps using the same footage and the same canned music over and over again. The plot takes forever to develop. There is no suspense. The ending might be creative but there's no point in watching an entire poorly-executed film only for a decent ending.
Shark Attack 2 (2000)
So much better than the first one
Shark Attack (1) is terrible. This one is bad in all the right ways. It's a great low-budget horror film.
Shark Attack (1999)
Too Bad to be Good
Yes this is a low budget horror film. Yes the acting is supposed to be bad. But it's supposed to be so bad that it's good. Not this cast. Almost every line seems. Like. It's. Read. One. Word. At. A. Time. There's no emotion, no exciting, no fear. It's all monotone. Even the screams. I love low budget flicks, but not this one.
The Hive (2008)
A Wonderfully Mediocre Low-Budget Sci-Fi
Don't be turned off by reviews saying that this movie is bad. Of course it is. That's what these movies are all about! The acting is perfect. No one person thinks they're some kind of movie star. But they do their lines and usually stay in character. The special effects aren't anything special, but nor are they so bad that they look 50 years old. The plot is predictable, of course, but swarming intelligent ants are somewhat unique in this genre. They keep the plot moving. In short, if you're looking for a mindless, mildly entertaining, low budget horror film that you haven't seen before then give this one a try!
Setup (2011)
Maybe As a Silent Movie...
The plot concept wasn't bad and Bruce Willis is always himself. But there were so many f-bombs that there was almost no real dialogue. It would've worked just as well with no dialogue and 1920s organ music playing throughout.
Rogue Warfare (2019)
Not Good
While some under-the-radar movies are hidden gems, this is not. While some bad movies are so bad that they're funny, this isn't. The acting is poor, awkward, and stiff. The dialogue could have been written by a child who read too many comic books. The military tactics appeared poorly researched and executed.