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Reviews
House Hunting (2012)
Let's focus on anything except figuring out what the Christ is going on here!
House Hunting is an interesting story that gives a unique spin on the "ghost house" type of horror movie. Two families are tricked into getting stuck in a purgatory like state on 70 acres of land (which is a great deal by the way!), and must work together to get out alive, unfortunately for them, working together couldn't go any worse than it did. Actually, working together didn't go all that bad either because the last thing these people do is anything productive to figure out what the hell is going on.
Charlie Hayes, our protagonist is doing a little house hunting with his wife Susan and daughter Emmy (Susan is not Emmy's mother and they do not get along, and the discord between the two feels very forced and unemotional) when they decide to check out a house on a 70 acre plot. Meanwhile, Don with his wife Leslie and son Jason make their way to the same plot after an ominous tip from some weirdo in a cheesy red hunting cap. After arriving at the beautiful location and meeting the other family, the Hayes attempt to leave but instead crash into a tree after swerving to avoid running over some Fiona Apple lookalike. After being rescued by Dom and his family, they make their way back to the house only to have the girl completely lose it. Unfortunately she can't say why she's freaking out because someone cut out her tongue. The families attempt to leave.... only to discover that they can't. They try again, and again, and again to no avail. Apparently they tried 23 times. But that's fine, they'll just stay put, because someone will come, right?
For the budget and caliber of movie, HH was overall good but had trouble keeping my attention at times. I feel that the plot unfolded too slowly with too many drawn out scenes that did little for character or plot development. It wasn't until the second half of the movie that characters start to really show their emotions and the pace quickens to an enjoyable point. A good analogy is that it's an 80-minute movie stretched out to two hours.
Personally, my only problem with the movie besides the pacing and length was with the characters. The inner conflicts, conflicts between characters, and the development was well done; that wasn't the problem. My problem is that none of them are acting like how any person I know would act in this situation.
Think about this; they're stuck in a house on a plot of land, when they try to leave by road they just end up back at the front of the house. Walking through the woods just leads to woods, and over the hills just leads to more hills. Their only clue is something disguised as an ugly dude in a red hunting hat. THIS ISN'T NORMAL! But none of them seem the least bit bothered that they've entered some sort of parallel dimension. These people act like they're lost on a road trip or had car trouble, not stuck in a house because they've entered purgatory. Even the most logical and rational person I know would quickly admit they've entered something unworldly here and they need to figure something out.
At one point we get the "One Month Later" screen and see the two men leaving to scout the area, seemingly implying they're doing this for the first time. REALLY?!? Personally I would have scouted out every inch of that ground and torn that house apart looking for clues. All these people do is sit around and complain about how they're going to be sick if they eat beef stew one more time. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!
Anywho, after you watch these people sit around and argue about their genitalia for the middle hour of the movie, the last half hour unfolds at a great pace with good development. It's just that whole middle hour or so that really got old.
The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) (2011)
Hmmm yes this baby will provide the perfect cushioning for my gas pedal!
The human centipede II is a wonderful masterpiece composed by a gifted writer and directed by a very spectacular director. Now let me explain why the previous sentence was one of the most inaccurate sentences you'll read in your entire life.
I'm not even going to judge this movie on actual qualities that I would for most movies, like acting, dialogue, or plot because there is very little to none of those qualities in this movie. We all know what this is; a gorefest meant to push the boundaries of what can be made into a feature length film. People sewn ass to mouth? Rape? Graphic infanticide? Implied pedophilia and constant gore? Child abuse? It's all here ladies and gentleman, complete with ass-spewing color towards the end.
There is very little dialogue in the movie, and what dialogue there is is very poorly acted, generic, and uninspired. The editing is hack too, but not noticeable because the film in general is so poor that I didn't realize it myself until I read another comment here about it.
The main character isn't even a protagonist, he's more of a.... sad, vile, pathetic little man who I just cannot relate to or sympathize for. But he has a dream, some might even call it a disturbing obsession. An obsession with the human centipede and he needs to kidnap twelve people and sew their faces to their asses like yesterday. The other characters in the movie are memorable, but not for good reasons, mind you. A pedophile psychologist who pounds hooker ass, and a psychotic mother who screams for most of the film and blames her son for her husband going to jail because you know, it's the kid's fault his dad sexually abused him.
Plot development includes dreams of human centipede, preparation of human centipede, defecation of human centipede, graphic murder of human centipede. Fin.
Now lets get down to why I just couldn't sit back and enjoy this god awful film. I just cannot state how poorly made this film was. You'll have to suspend your disbelief to some unknown boundary before this film seems remotely plausible.
How the hell does this 4 ft 9 inch, morbidly (DISGUSTINGLY) obese, short sighted, asthmatic midget manage to kidnap people? Let alone 12 people, and make it seem so easy? Well if Martin can do it, then this movie made me confident that I could make at least a good 50 or 60 chain centipede and keep them alive for at least a good 30 minutes before shooting them all in the head and slitting their throats terrorist style.
Everyone falls victim to Martin's incredible kidnapping skills. Apparently lugging a 6 ft 8 300 lb skinhead out of your building isn't too difficult when you're so fat you haven't seen your penis in years. Also I think I'll have a go at kidnapping my victims from parking garages from now on, as Martin bludgeoned about 10 people in the head in his parking garage and no one suspected a thing, despite the pools of blood everywhere, and the missing people, and the baby left crying in the car, and the gunshots going off at random, and the giant transit vehicle constantly emitting muffled screams. I'm sure there's other questionable things there, I just want to move on.
Then there's the baby scene. I burst out laughing at the over the top insanity of the scene. I found it hilariously shocking that it was included in the film.
Also none of the people that Martin managed to kidnap really seem to be putting up much of a fight. True, some took a bullet and they all took a crowbar to the head, but they all seem quite able bodied and capable in the warehouse. They all sort of just.... let Martin cut them up and sew them together. I mean he didn't even tie up the pregnant woman and she DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!! There's twelve of you people, come on! Someone just... for the love of god roll over on your stomach, get up on your knees, stand up, hop over to Martin and do a flying jump kick right into his fat gut. He would probably die from that alone.
The filmmakers made the movie as if duct tape around your wrists and over your mouth makes you completely helpless and unable to move or do anything. With that being said it was only duct tape inhibiting these people, not chains. But apparently duct tape is just as good.
Did anyone else notice that at one point our Shrek-like protagonist was watching the human centipede on DVD on his LAPTOP.... and he proceeds to rewind it like a VHS tape back to the beginning.....?????
In closing, I enjoyed this film because I'm a sick, perverted, twisted person. However, it is a horrible film that has only shock value behind it, which isn't a very good value to have if there's nothing else you can bring to the table. I won't be watching it again unless I watch it with friends for a laugh. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I left my mother at the dinner table again.