Change Your Image
mugwump
Reviews
Wrong Turn (2003)
Title aptly describes pathetic, boring mess.
This new addition to the grotesque family antics sub-genre, this clumsy, in-bred child of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, is even worst than you could expect. First off, we're greeted with somewhat of an un-exciting, clichéd opening scene featuring an unexpectedly weak female character, her stronger yet stupider male counterpart and an unseen beast or killer. As of now, the mystery surrounding the killer's identity is preserved and, despite this sorry-looking scene, we still are left wondering about what exactly happened and as long as it is true, we can't say that this opening scene is totally worthless.
Then the credits roll and subsequently kill the whole following film. I was amazed by how ridiculous it was to actually reveal the identity, origins and specific problems of the killer before we could even start to venture into the woods and ask ourselves. If this isn't bad filmmaking, I don't know what is... The succession of gloomy newspaper articles and textbook exemples of totally unrealistic diseases was downright pathetic, a sorry, and clumsy, attempt at shocking either the youngest or less discriminating members of the audience. It's hard for me to understand that it's not everybody that was completely turned off by the opening credits.
Anyway, if you weren't already out of the movie theater, you could have encountered some of the most boring and worthless characters ever to grace a theatrical release. Everything from the music they listen to, their interactions with other characters to their attitudes and actions is bland and tiresome. Those youngsters are not even charismatic or attractive (I mean, it takes much more than wearing a tank top to be attractive...). Anyway, you certainly wouldn't want to go there for the characters...
Then, you must consider the initial accident that causes the characters to meet each other and all the subsequent situations. That accident is total bullshit to begin with. Are we actually expected to believe that one second with the eyes off the road could make this conscientious driver miss a half-a-ton truck in the middle of the road? That's exactly the kind of worthless narrative impossibilities that shamelessly robs the horror genre of all of its credibility. After that, we venture more and more into the world of formulaic and systematic horror with clichéd sets and situations much of which are underdeveloped and underplayed. Some boring, predictable, badly handled material.
The most outraging problem of this movie does not however concern plot devices, acting or directing but rather its total lack of social justice. Examples of this are numerous. Why is it, first of all, that it is the stoners having sex that get killed off first and in the most brutal way? Stoners are expandable crap : is that it? Maybe it is sex before marriage that is to blame... hum... confusing but nonetheless primordial question, isn't it? What kind of a society would encourage the systematic slaughter of these particular individuals? Not a very liberal one, if you ask me... Then, of course, our hero is the highly valued medical student but that's comprised within the same scheme of thoughts... On to my next point : how is it morally acceptable for the protagonists to kill off the mutants? Why should we cheer for them as they try to burn them down? Why is it okay for our lead girl to shoot an arrow in the back of the mutant's head in a voluntary act of hatred while it is despicable for our mutant to kill off a guy in a psychosis-driven act of natural hunting? Why should we root for the hateful 'normal' ones and not the mis-understood 'freakish' ones? Talk about equity of all people...
In conclusion, I understand that you might think that it is irrelevant to get p***ed at such an unsignificant film but I don't agree. I think that horror and sci-fi flicks are really the ones that reflect our society's way of thinking and that's why it's such a good place to begin wondering about it all. I also think that it is our right as paying moviegoers to expect a certain level of quality when attending the release of a big-budgeted 35 mm film. I think that it is despicable to see so little work actually put in making this movie as there was initial material capable of generating genuine feelings or at least, shocks. This movie should never have been released in that state... never. I know guys that can make more professionnal-looking movies within a week and with a budget of 0 $! 'Wrong Turn' is an insult to both our intelligence and our right to demand social equity. I sincerely hope that the people responsible for this and other past and upcoming atrocities of this ilk will learn some lessons about life and filmmaking from awakened moviegoers that will not accept this kind of crap anymore.
My Rating : 2/10
Parents (1989)
If only you knew...
Bob Balaban's Parents is one of my favorite movies of all time and I righteously believe it to be quite a misunderstood gem. From my point of view, this movie is about life in suburbia, growing up in it, fearing it's closing to the outer world and it's strangely by-the-clock routine. Basically, this movie is about Hell and I think it depicts it with flair and appropriate imagery. I, myself, can really identify with the main character despite the fact that he is muted for the most part. I believe mutism to be forced upon him by the circumstances. Suburbia is not a place to talk as is the city, it's a place to think, to think for yourself. Suburbia is a place where there is no one to entertain you but yourself. You are then all alone and that's what is scary. You start imagining things because you have nothing else to do. The biggest part of the world is in your own head when you're growing up in Suburbia and yes, things can get ugly. You have to see past realist concerns when analysing this movie and see the straight fear, the straight uncertainty of it all... I know this all sounds awfully confusing but look at it this way: I am a loner born in the american suburbia and I can honestly say that Parents is a brilliant depiction of all the fears and doubts I've encountered as a child. I almost watch this film as a documentary now and I totally feel it as a recollection of what my own life partially was. Well-made, well-thought-of stuff. Let all the kids issued from a suburban childhood see it and shiver at the sight of such a just rendering of their troubled past.
Legion of the Dead (2001)
yuck
I picked up this movie on DVD for about 25 bucks, which is a lot of money. Let's just say I was fooled by Ittenbach's notoriety and by the thought that this might be another Premutos. Unfortunately enough for me... it was not. In fact, I watched this thing with a couple of friends because they thought that the cover was cool and all and, an hour and a half later, we were left saying: "God, what an awful movie!" The fact is that this movie made absolutely no sense and was not at all funny or gory or well-made or anything, it was plain bad with almost no redeeming value. Hell! I thought the animated menu was better than the film! Since I consider myself quite an expert when it comes to b, horror and cult movies, you should trust me when I say: just skip it.
P.S. The version I saw had 5 minutes cut off but I'm positive in saying that even the 5 more thrilling minutes in cinema history couldn't possibly save this thing.
Frankenhooker (1990)
Warped concept, disappointing processing...
Don't get me wrong, I liked the movie. However, I believe it could have been much, much, much better. The movie we have here has a few amusing bits but a great concept which is unfortunately clumsily handled. First of all, the gore scenes sucked. They could have been much more realistic. In fact, the scene with all the exploding hookers could have easily become the greatest scene in cinematic history if only the hookers didn't look like exploding lightbulbs! Furthermore, the actors were not up to the task at all, screwing up great characters. My final word: Peter Jackson should have directed this.
Rating: 6 fuzzy peaches out of 10.