Change Your Image
hannahchow
Reviews
Cradle 2 the Grave (2003)
As dumb as they come
Let's whip up a little cinema souffle. Mix generous portions of mindless violence, ridiculous science, and cardboard characters. Add you've-seen-it-all-before gung fu fights and a you've-heard-it-all-before hip-hop sound track. Serve lukewarm at best. Slight kudos to Anthony Anderson and Tom Arnold for providing some light-hearted yucks--especially the self-deprecating chit-chat over the end credits. But the rest of this derivative mess is stupefying. Bottom line: "Cradle 2 the Grave" is one of the most annoyingly unnecessary films of 2003.
Sirens (1994)
An erotic little romp
"Sirens" seems to have touched a nerve here. Some reviewers dismiss it as derivative soft-core drivel. Others love it. It probably helps to know that there's little derivative about the story-it's based on real people and a real incident. Sam Neill's character--Norman Lindsay--was real. Lindsay, a prolific artist and novelist, was also a libertine living a Hugh Hefner lifestyle when the rest of the world was awakening from the Victorian Age. "Sirens" was filmed at the Lindsay home and gallery, a 40-acre estate now run by the Australian National Trust. The artworks are all Lindsay's. And the storyline is based on an incident in which the Anglican Church dispatched a cleric to convey concerns about "The Crucifixion of Venus." As for the plot, it's simply a humorous retelling of what might have been--with lots of voluptuous nudes and erotic symbolism tossed in for good measure. Yes, it's all quite predictable. You know five minutes into the film that the Converters will become the Converted. But it's a fun ride getting to that inevitable destination. `Sirens' is not for everyone. If full-frontal male and female nudity offends, you will be offended. If ridiculing the Church or its values offends, you will be offended. And if the notion that the cure for a boring marriage is a little extra-marital dalliance offends, you will truly be offended. Otherwise, it's a little erotic gem and a great way to start an even better evening. :)
Kate's Addiction (1999)
So many plot holes. So little time.
Beware--some plot spoilers to follow. OK. Bravo for Eric DelaBarre in getting his indie project to the screen for under six figures. It this was easy, everybody would do it.
That said, it's a lame little "Fatal Attraction" rip-off. In his defense, Mr DelaBarre has an eye for camera work. There's a genuine budding director here. He does the erotic thriller bits well. But his writing just ain't makin' it. Why would FBI agents rather than local cops be investigating a sex crime allegation? Why would they enter a home without permission or warrants? Why do they talk like cartoon cops? Why is a free-lance photog living aboard a quarter-million dollar yacht while seemingly never having a paying job? Why are these people supposedly from New Orleans but can't pronounce it like locals do (noo-WAW-linz)? The cast of little-knowns and complete unknowns are no threat to the Oscars. Leading ladies Kari Wuhrer and Farrah Forke turn in competent performances, but the supporting cast gives the impression they paid DelaBarre to get into this movie. But as bad as it is in places, it's a guilty pleasure to watch. "Kate's Addiction" is one of those so-bad-it's-good kinda movies. Prop your feet up and pour a cold one. It's gonna be a steamy night.
Personal Velocity: Three Portraits (2002)
A disappointing effort
There's a point about an hour and twenty-five minutes into this film where the credits begin to roll. At this moment the viewer realizes "Personal Velocity" has come to a close. There's no plot to this film and, therefore, no ending. "PV" is a trio of vignettes, each about a young woman with some sort of sex/relationship crisis. Delia is the high school tramp turned battered housewife. Greta is a Jewish-American princess bored with her WASP husband. And Paula is a pregnant punker chick trying to mother a teen boy runaway who sucks his thumb. Yes, this is an arthouse project. It screams "We're an indie production! We can't afford light kits and tripods! We're all working for scale or for free! We made this film because we LOVE it!" In defense of Rebecca Miller: she wrote a book, adapted it for the screen, and cobbled together the funding and talent to turn it into a movie. Of course she has A-list family connections, but this is her own work. And it's a lot more than most of us could ever do. You go, girl! But unfortunately, it is a boring piece of work. The three lead characters are just plain dull and unsympathetic. It's hard to like them, and harder to identify with any of them. They've all made their own poor choices and now spend their screen time plotting an escape.
The male voice narration doesn't work. It's heavy-handed and annoying in a bad documentary way. Why can't the ladies narrate their own stories? What's wrong with Delia telling us in her own words how she spent most of high school entertaining the boys? Story line and characters aside, there's some potent acting here. Ms Miller enlisted top quality players Kyra Sedgwick, Parker Posey, and Fairuza Balk to perform the leads. Collectively, they are a knock-out. The supporting cast is spot-on. But you can only do so much with a one-note song. I really wanted to like this little movie. But I didn't.
Lost Horizon (1973)
A film so bad it actually hurts to watch
The musical remake of "Lost Horizon" is truly one of the worst films ever made. What makes it so exceptionally awful is that so much genuine talent was assembled to create this Stinker. Take away the music and you have a servicable Technicolor remake of a moody classic. Yes, there's lots of dopey dialogue and some silliness like polar bears in the Himalayas. But it's pretty to look at and Peter Finch is a commanding presence. But Lo! Now cometh a collection of Bacharach-David tunes so hopelessly out of place that every song causes an audience reaction reminiscent of the play-goers in "Springtime for Hitler." It hurts to watch. And hurts worse to listen. The Kellerman-Kennedy duet will make your skin break out. And that goofy "Living Together" number is the only thing keeping "The World is a Circle" from being the most painful five minutes any film watcher could ever sustain. Films such as "Plan Nine from Outer Space" are generally regarded as the industry's worst. But considering the Academy Award talent and big-studio budget behind "Lost Horizon" it stands (more probably stoops) as two of the most horrific hours ever birthed by Hollywood.