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jgrego-65197
Reviews
Unknown Visitor (2019)
1 Star for the Sandwich, Another 2 Stars for the Sandwich Encore
I can't help but think this movie is a metaphor for life: sometimes there is a sandwich on the table, and other times you were hoping the sandwich might come back and bring the kind of joy only a phantom sandwich could.
Wait.... There was another point to this movie? Don't be ridiculous! The acting was bad. The story made little sense. There were about 21 minutes of the film without a sandwich in the scene.
A few things that could have made this movie better:
- would have been nice to show some time and date stamps to give some perspective on time
- more random things you see on a door bell camera, like kids ding-dong-ditching, dogs being nosey, door dash delivering - dare I say - sandwiches
- show the door cam belonging to anyone else but this woman... as long as there are sandwiches sometimes.
- just make a film with a constant shot of a sandwich, with less of this acting
All in all not a terrible movie.
Cheesy.
All in all not a terrible movie.
(This paragraph is a sandwich)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)
I watched this with low expectations and regret simply that I watched it
***spoiler alert***
Wow. I knew this was going to be bad as soon as the not-so-suddle Tesla advertisements began. "Auto-drive On!" Yep, get ready for a droll slow paced death trek through the decrepit town of Harlow, witnessing the dumber-than-dumb victims getting mauled, strangled and chopped up by the smartest person in the movie "Leather Face" because he always knows just what weapon to use at just the right time? It bothers me that they make the villain seem like a dumb mute idiot and he ends up being the only one with any intelligence. You can almost read the character's minds with the blatant cinematic queues:
Texan Guy: oh I just had my leg bashed in, let me try to push this guy out of a batter window. Derrrr!
Leatherface: what that there? Oh. Piece glass? Yay! I like glass it kill good.
The scriptwriters here were clearly making some sort of commentary on social media and those that use it mid-film as well but don't they realize that this movie needs all the help it can get?!
Lastly among all the asinine people in this film, the least-to-suck award should have gone to the vengeance seeking heroine from the first movie. Well whattaya know... she's a freaking moron! Riddle me this: you return to face the guy who killed your friends. Why the heck would you bring just a rifle? Wouldn't you want to show up with some additional weapons, grenades, a bazooka maybe?
Overall this movie wasn't worth the anxiety to watch. Watch the original and maybe some of the predecessors, but avoid this one if you value your time. And if there's ever been a valid reason to get a self driving Tesla it's so it can autopilot you to safety while you scream frantically and watch in sheer terror as a psycho chops up your friend or relative.
Santa Claws (2014)
Is there a genre for movies that shouldn't exist?
About 30 minutes in Patches says the line "things can't get any worse" which is true to the story and reality at the same time.
I have a hard time even believing a human with an IQ above 10 thought up the awful concept of intern cats temping for Santa upon his failed attempt at his 1000th+ night on the job. The characters, even the cats, are flat with no redeeming qualities, and the cat hairball/poop jokes offer little to save the horrific abomination that should be considered illegal to take up storage on any server. Here's a joke fitting for the mood: This movie must have been inspired and written by cats, or storyboarded in their litter box with months worth of cat turds.
When your kid that normally whines about bedtime says "I want to go to bed" at 7:30pm because the movie is only 1/3 of the way through, you know you are in for a treat. The only thing that can make this movie worse would be having to watch it more than once.
Watch this movie only to be disappointed or to punish your children.