PDNickz Reviews

The Quick and the Undead (2006)

Finally! A movie that actually negates itself!

[4/10 · 5 February 2007]

The Quick and the Undead is, finally, the first movie to actually render its own storyline null and void. It is, essentially, one gigantic plot hole.

Aside from that, the acting was quite bad, character motivations nonexistent or unbelievable and there wasn't a single character worth hanging our hat on. The most interesting cast member (who had great potential to be a dark horse protagonist) got snuffed halfway through the proceedings.

What the Quick and the Undead DOES serve as is an excellent example of how to do good color-timing. It looked excellent, when you take into account budget considerations.

Unfortunately, it plays out like a guy got his hands on a hundred grand and watched a few westerns (most notably The Good, The Bad and The Ugly) and then just threw a bunch of elements haphazardly into a movie... "you know, they have movies where characters do THIS! Does it fit here? No, but who cares! They do it in other movies so I should do it here!"

Maybe a good view for burgeoning cinematographers and colorists (first-year film-schoolers). Otherwise, a must-miss.

The Death of Batman (2003)

Hilarious!

[10/10 · 25 January 2006]

A spectacularly funny throwback to the 60s-era Batman camp that we all know and love. Terrible acting and camera-work and lighting abound (one of my favorite scenes involves all three, perfectly combined to reveal what looks like a Lowell Omni aimed right into the set from outside... no pretensions with this production, my friends!), the editing is awful (including several pointless cross-dissolves and even a page-turn at the beginning...a PAGE TURN!)... just about every aspect of this video is just terrible, which is what makes it so spectacular.

Batman tied up with plastic chains and anally violated? Awesome! An incredibly fey heroin addict proclaiming that he'd "rather die" than go back to prison, charging at Batman with all the fury and might of a disoriented senior citizen? Brilliant! Batman hitting the floor like a sack of potatoes after taking a stun gun to his bat-codpiece (and, WHAT a codpiece, I might add!)? Hilarious!

I'm a little confused, though, as to why the makers of this particular video production would want to make it so uninteresting and almost bad to the point where I couldn't stand to watch it again. I prefer my camp to have some sort of rewatchability... the Death of Batman is just utterly unwatchable. Granted, on the initial viewing it is probably the funniest thing I've seen in a long time (I particularly liked how Batman is constantly followed by a smoke machine and spot kicker), but as soon as I tried to watch it again things like the horrible cinematography and the lack of sound design (and forget about a final mixdown) banged the nails in the lid on that one.

All in all a brilliantly bad endeavor, worthy of Adam West's nostalgic cavortings. Granted, if I made a movie like this with any sense of legitimacy about it and it turned out looking like this I would probably electrocute myself in the nuts, overdose on heroin and throw myself into the Los Angeles river.

But, thankfully, the Death of Batman is a movie completely aware of it's own pointlessness and revels in it. ... Unless, of course, it was supposed to be taken seriously. But, come on... no one could be THAT terrible of a moviemaker, right?

Hostel (2005)

See the preview. Skip the movie. (*SPOILERS*, kinda)

[2/10 · 9 January 2006]

Oh, how excited I was to see Hostel. The promise of a good, nasty throwback to the 70s exploitation flicks of yesteryear, the promise of terror and brutality, up there on the big screen, clawing the audience's eyes out while we keep a nice, safe distance, free to shield ourselves and whimper in fear.

Oh, and Quentin Tarantino was involved, so you KNOW it has to be edgy and unique... apparently. And, landie dearie me, folks, the biggest reaction the film got from the audience was when - in one scene - Pulp Fiction happened to be on television. I don't think anyone would have bothered with this movie if the title hadn't been under Tarantino's name in the previews.

Going in to see Hostel I'd already seen Cabin Fever, Eli Roth's first outing into gore/horror/slapstick/whatever cinema, and I loved it. Absolutely loved it. I loved it in that way that any movie that is so damn weird and entertaining deserves to be loved.

Coming out of Hostel I wish I had stayed home and rented Cabin Fever.

I went with two friends... Meg and Alan. Alan is a huge fan of movies in general and Cabin Fever, specifically. Meg hails from Hiroshima, and after a lifetime of Japanese horror flicks she has developed quite an appetite for scary movies. I just like to have a good time.

We were all pretty disappointed.

The first half of Hostel was absurd. For anyone under the age of 14 who really, really, REALLY likes to masturbate, the first hour of Hostel will be bliss, I assure you. I have never seen so much nudity in one sitting (outside of a porno flick, at least) and I cringe to think that I may ever, ever encounter a naked woman ever again in my entire life, because Hostel has pretty much broken me of ever wanting to see that. So, dare I say it, but way too many boobies, kids.

We are handed a few characters and by virtue of the fact that they're on the screen we're expected to care about them. Unfortunately, that doesn't really work and so all we have to get us through this movie are some people on the screen with whom we can't relate and for whom we feel no real attachment. The absurdity of these people and how little it was that we cared about them pretty much boils down to the fact that Alan was far more interested in the loud guy sitting behind him (as was I) and Meg kept asking me what the Japanese characters in the film were saying... because they were speaking gibberish... with incredibly phony and - Meg informed us - incredibly offensive accents: "Tlain... we go to tlain station." Indeed, the Japanese people on the screen didn't sound anything like the Japanese person sitting next to me. I find myself wondering, now, how many European cultures Roth was able to alienate through similar ignorance... there are a LOT of accents in Hostel.

So, after all the sex and boobies and drinking are out of the way, some of the characters get killed, we see some good special effects and some terrible special effects but we really don't care in the least, we sit through a few scenes that are supposed to be tense or humorous or both (but they're just dull) and then the movie ends.

Herein lie the spoilers:

Things I Have Learned From Watching Hostel

1) Women are there for one reason and one reason only: sex. This includes your mothers and sisters... if you can't bang 'em, they're useless to you. Don't forget that.

2) Homosexuality is evil and easily equivocated with brutal torture, much like Haute Tension, in that respect.

3) If you give children gum they will mercilessly kill for you, even though you can't explain to them what you want because you don't speak their language.

4) People really, really, really like to text message during movies... a LOT.

5) It is necessary to operate in absolute secret to seduce and kidnap people to sell them to an underground snuff club, even though every single person for miles around (including the police) are perfectly aware of said underground snuff club, and it really isn't all that secret in the least.

6) If you lose an eye, escape certain death and are on your way to freedom you will commit suicide because at the last moment you discover that you've lost an eye and are - we can only assume - ugly and unfit to live, so you might as well dive in front of the nearest locomotive. This only applies to women, who are only good for sex. Disfigured men can go about their lives as usual.

7) You can sucker audiences into watching anything so long as you hype it enough.

And, with regards to number 7, this seems to be the perfect, PERFECT example of a movie being over-hyped. I have never seen such a packed theater and at the same time I have never seen so many bored viewers. Nothing captivating happens during Hostel, it's impossible to care about the characters and after the first hour of nudity and debauchery, there's no room left to tell a real story. The concept is spectacular, but it wasn't given any room to move.

I was hoping to feel upset or disturbed by Hostel or to at least have something to think about after seeing the movie (the only lingering thought, that quickly faded, was: yeah, Europeans hate Americans... and water is wet, what else you got?). All that I felt, even the next day, was that I better write to the distributor and demand my money back so that I can give it to the guy who was sitting behind Alan... now THAT guy was the real entertainment!

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

I'm going to stand in line to get my money back...

[18 May 2003]

After I saw the Matrix, back in the idyllic 90's, I spent a good three hours waxing philosophic on the nature of reality with my fellow viewers.

After I saw the Matrix Reloaded, I wanted to personally contact the filmmakers and ask for my money back. My buddy pointed out that I'd probably have to take a number.

A LOT of fuss has been made about this film, but none of it really stacks up. As a transitory piece I'm sure it works quite well, storywise. As a dime a dozen kung-fu flick it works wonderfully. But, as a self-proclaimed staple in "hard sci-fi" moviedom, it falls flatter than flat.

The character development is limited to Morpheus and his crumbling beliefs, a concept and a story thread that feels extremely alien after the revelations of the first film. The story goes from point A, trips over dozens of fight scenes (most of them unnecessary) and grueling philosophical expositions (we, as an audience, can think for ourselves, I'd like to imagine) and finally reaches point B, which could have been met about 20 minutes into the film had the special digital effects gods not been at the helm.

I will admit that the scene on the freeway was truly impressive, and I found myself fixed to the screen. Beyond that, though, action scenes are action scenes wherever you go, and even though I can fully appreciate the tremendous amount of work that goes into them, if you cook a full course steak dinner for your date, you have to accept the fact that she might just be happy with the appetizer. I very much would have been happy with an appetizer on this one.

Still, I was pleased with the social commentaries maintained in the film, particularly the racial representation and power structure (where The Man is is always a white guy in a suit, and the downtrodden come from all walks of life)... those were very nice.

Aside from that, and Fishbourne's incredibly intense presence, there isn't too much working for the Matrix Reloaded (except for a ton of money and merchandising, that is... funny how that works out, isn't it?)

Ichi the Killer (2001)

I feel like a bad person.

[23 February 2003]

I only watched half of Ichi the Killer. I feel like a terrible person for watching more than six seconds of it.

Best as I can figure, Ichi the Killer is an excuse to showcase the rape, torture, mutilation and murder of young, lithe, objectified women while hiding behind the veil of extremity and cartoonishness. I can't see any merit to this film, whatever merit it may have held is destroyed by its misogyny. I also can't see why this movie is so vehemently defended by its fans. Either there is a general genre-based desire for graphic, chauvanistic brutality or we live in a world that is grossly desensitized to the concept of rape, because otherwise I can't fathom why a film like this would be made or enjoyed.

Serial Experiments Lain (1998)

Rekindling My Faith

[25 November 2002]

Anime existentialism, generally speaking, is largely inaccessible to western audiences... and it's almost totally inaccessible to myself. I'm not ashamed to admit that I had to watch Akira three or four times before I fully understood it, and Ghost in the Shell had to live in my VCR for a couple weekends until I was satisfied I'd eked whatever shred of understanding out of it that I could. I grew very tired of essays on where mankind came from and where it was going. I decided, at that point, that I would never understand anime to a degree where I could be pleased with it, and abstained from watching it for a while (with the exception of the occasional Ranma1/2 episode, at the behest of my then-girlfriend).

Then, along came Lain.

I was very, very skeptical about watching Lain. Not only did it look like your typical "what is it all about" anime, but it was a thirteen-episode series, clocking in at well over five hours. I figured I'd watch the first four episodes and scrap the rest.

Lain sucked me in.

I can't stress how shocked I was when I swapped DVD #3 for DVD #4 and looked at my watch to realize I'd been sitting in one place for over four and a half hours. Serial Experiment Lain is simply incredible. There's enough mystery and enough seeds planted to keep the viewer watching from one episode to the next. The artwork is friggin' incredible... minimalist yet so rich that each shot breathes with its own life. Even the opening title sequence draws you in, with its careful attention to camera, style, and its mournful score.

Mournful, indeed. I don't make it a point to cry when I'm watching cartoons, but Lain beat the living hell out of my emotions. In very broad strokes, Serial Experiment Lain is about family, alienation, friendship and humanity. It analyzes the differences between obligation and true love, and comes down to the question of what is right and what will make you happy... and most importantly, what happens when we're forced to choose between the two?

Lain takes a lot of chances with style and presentation, and is a truly refreshing breath of fresh air from a medium that has grown far too comfortable with itself. The combination of cel animation with computer graphics and live action footage creates a world not unique to anime, but totally unique unto itself. Serial Experiment Lain rekindled my faith in anime, which is saying a lot. It is a great experience (I wouldn't be here telling you about it if it wasn't) and a great piece of film. If you've got a few hours to kill, step into Lain's world for a while, you won't be disappointed.

You Can Count on Me (2000)

I really don't know where to begin.

[8 August 2002]

I don't. This is just one of Those Movies, y'know? Shot for shot it's great. The cinematography definitely knows what it's doing and it's VERY mindful of itself in such a way that we can ignore it if we're not paying attention to it. As such, the camera steps out of the way and we're free to absorb the story, as simple as it may be. Man... I honestly loved this movie. The acting was top-notch, the principles were great and everyone else was cast so perfectly that every second of the film just falls into place. Just go see it. Please. Mark Ruffalo gives a fantastic performance as an Unfamous, Untalented Bob Dylan. The script is not heavy-handed. It's charming without being aware of itself. It's just a really really good film in the style of good films (re: The Sweet Hereafter) that's going the way of the dodo under the weight of these iconoclastic Hollywood heavy hitters (re: Shaymalan et al). Such a good film. So good.

Minority Report (2002)

ParadoxodaraP

[8 August 2002]

I spent the first 2/3 of Minority Report enjoying the suspense and just riding the story's wave. I spent the last 1/3 of it trying to wrap my head around the inexplicably impossible paradox that the story centers around. I found myself asking: "So, if I put a jar of jelly on a counter in a diner across town I can know for a fact that the guy sitting next to me is going to go eat it tonight?" Maybe my brain is slowing down as the result of any number of abusive practices... but this movie just flat out doesn't work. When I can walk through the plot holes in a film I get lost in them and forget to watch the rest.

Spider-Man (2002)

Here's why I like Spider-Man.

[8 August 2002]

Here's why I like Spider-Man: I've been waiting to see a Spider-Man movie since I was seven years old. I'm not talking about the old 1970s Guy In Tights Throwing Ropes Around movies... I'm talking a serious, hard core, unflinching, unabashed, no-shame Spider-Man movie. And now I've got one. If I wasn't such a huge Spider-Man nostalgia victim I would probably hate the movie. But, as it stands, I am hopelessly entangled. "Blah blah blah, Hollywood sucks, blah blah blah, stupid movie." You don't say. I loved it. It was nothing to write home about... but it was Spider-Man, dammit! Let me have my fun!

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

New Zealanders do good.

[8 August 2002]

Of course I was impressed with the film when I saw it in the theater. Anyone who wasn't is probably lying or knows nothing about filmmaking (I'm not trying to be cruel here, but layer for layer and pound for pound this is one incredible undertaking). After watching the Fellowship of the Ring on the big screen and after scrutinizing it on DVD for the better part of the summer (bootlegged) I just recently took a gander at the legitimate DVD release. I spent most of my time watching this film playing the How'd They Do That Game. The first few times I just absorbed it. Then I got to work looking for zippers and wires and I found very few. I was and still am and always will be amazed at the work that went into making this film. Special effects aside, the love that the filmmakers had to have for the material is nothing short of miraculous. I don't want to flog a dead horse and I honestly can't praise this film's efforts enough but the more I learn about the process involved in getting this onto the screen the more I love it. That's all I can say. Really incredible. Read up on it, you won't be disappointed.

The Exorcist (1973)

Scares the crap out of me time and time again.

[8 August 2002]

Yeah... that pretty much says it all. The Exorcist is one of those movies that is going to continue to have an effect upon audiences for a long time. It'll get you, too. Don't worry. You'll find something in it that freaks you right the hell out someday. The performances are great. The use of light is absolutely perfect, particularly when it comes to hiding creepy iconography in the shadows that you're not reeeeally sure you saw in the first place. It is probably one of the only movies that consistently scares me, hand in hand with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It IS dated, and lends itself to moments of retrospective absurdity for audiences more used to modern conventions - both social and cinematic. But, when you get right down to it... it's damn creepy. Really damn creepy. I mean... damn. Creepy.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)

You were expecting maybe Citizen Kane?

[8 April 2001]

Let's be frank. You don't complain to the manager of your local McDonald's when you don't get a five star meal. Guess what folks, you just ordered the value meal that's been sitting in the warmer just a little too long. The fourth installment of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre sucks... appropriately so.

Let me reiterate that this is the third sequel to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If anyone is still surprised that it didn't land any Oscars, please please seek help. Personally, for yet another recycled dimestore drive-in flick, I thought this one paid off quite nicely... true, the writing was just this side of atrocious (although I had heard word of an original cut of the film I have had neither the luck to procure one nor the drive to even attempt to), the acting - for the most part - was terrible, but it's still fun to single out the future stars who actually did give performances of startling quality. I must say that I enjoyed the movie for being a regurgitated horror film... I got a few good scares out of it and quite frankly some scenes flat out disturbed me. Sound design was nice, and there were quite a few decent shots here and there, making good (though endless) use of lighting through dust and fog. Editing was nothing superb but oftentimes, the better the cutting, the less we notice it. Altogether, it was a technically aware movie. Not one to expect the unexpected I wasn't disappointed with the film's shortcomings, and when you try to dissect the plot there are some pretty substantial ones. Still, a fine delivery, particularly after the style-sterile attempt of the third film.

Not the greatest film ever, but far from being the worst.

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

Lose Weight the Quick and Easy Way!

[23 March 2001]

Maybe I'm getting old, maybe I'm getting soft, maybe I'm not as jaded as I would like to be or maybe I'm just not as desensitized as I'd always hoped. But damn, people, damn... I saw this film for the first time mere weeks ago and for a day I decided that eating was a really really bad idea. Yes, the effects are of the typical run of the mill "it's 1974 and we don't have any money" calibre. Yes, the acting is over the top. The camera, I have to say, though, is very sly, the sound work is nothing short of fantastic purely in its effectiveness, and for such a cheap movie the work put into this film is phenomenal. And it pays off. While the movie isn't, as some would assert, based on an actual occurrence, it is based partially on the practices of Ed Geins (a la Psycho) and by mere virtue of that fact it taps a nerve somewhere inside that says that we humans are capable of some sick things (and I have to give the film credit for being so covertly pro-vegetarianism... the idea that within the reality Hooper creates the meat eaters are ruthless barbarians is such a clever little stab at our factory farming economy). Oh, shucks, no gore... and to some of the more, yeah, jaded viewers this is a pretty hokey movie. In the last analysis, though, when a film can scare you with its brutality, its psychosis, or by its clever little suggestions, its done a damn fine job.