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Reviews
Halo (2022)
You lost me at.....
I didn't play the video games nor read any books etc there may have been. I was ok with it right up until the last episode. I don't know if zombies were a part of the original lore, but they really seemed unnecessary to the story. If I had wanted to watch zombies I would have watched The Walking Dead. So with that said, I'm really ok with not having a season 3. I wasn't overly invested in it because I don't know what the "original" storyline was supposed to be. I more or less watched it in the hopes of finding something moderately entertaining. It was....until the freakin zombie. Totally ruined it for me.
The Ritual Killer (2023)
Absolutely terrible
I adore Cole Hauser and Morgan Freeman but dear Lord this is a piece of doggy doodoo. I don't know if they had to do this movie because they lost bets or something, but that's about the only reason I could think of. The writing is juvenile, the direction is bad, the soundtrack is cliche. It feels like a bad 90's indy flick. And the actor who plays the Police Chief (who's name escapes me at the moment) is barely understandable trying to do an American accent. Please just get your Cole Hauser fix by watching Yellowstone re-runs because this thing is so bad you'll want to take yourself to the train after watching it.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023)
I laughed, I cried...
It became a part of me. Gosh this one was such a departure from the previous light-hearted and slightly goofy Guardians. This is the second time a Bradley Cooper character has made me sob uncontrollably in a theatre (obviously the first was A Star Is Born). Great character development and they really went deep on a few of them. Mantis was much more a part of the team and vocal. Peter wasn't nearly as much of a "dork" as he usually is and I'm glad Groot is looking more like Vin! I'm just surprised he didn't say "family" at some point! Lol Nebula is becoming more "human" while Drax is coming back to who he was. The "new/old" Gamora is softening some but still not ready to be part of the team. Overall my favourite Guardians movie and I'll likely have to watch it again to catch anything I missed while sobbing the first time.
Dead Ringers (2023)
Three week old garbage
This show stinks like three week old garbage that's been left out in the dessert sun. If you were perhaps a 10th grade boy who never paid attention in biology class and had an exam to cram for, then maybe it might be useful but that's about the only reason to watch this steaming pile of afterbirth. And it really needs to contain a viewer discretion warning. Unnecessarily graphic in the birthing department. I don't even want to watch that in a documentary about giving birth, never mind in something that's supposed to be my evening's entertainment. Don't waste your time. Go watch paint dry. It's more fun.
Citadel (2023)
Just don't
Lean from my mistake and don't bother watching this train wreck. Pretty sure Stanley Tucci lost a bet or something because that's the only reason I can think of for him to agree to this. The writing is that of a 5th grader. Omg it's bloody awful. Chopra-Jonas can't act on a good day, and this is most definitely NOT a good day. Richard Madden is eye candy and nothing more. It desperately wants to be a Jason Bourne story but it's so far from that level it's laughable. Got half way through episode 2, trying to give it a fair shake, and just couldn't continue. That's 90 minutes of my life I'll never get back.
Willow (2022)
If you're a fan of the movie steer clear
Another excellent 80's movie dumbed down for current American teenagers. Absolutely brutal. I wanted to love it. Heck I would have settled for liking it. Nope. Got 15 minutes in to Ep 1 and had to quit before I puked. Didn't even get far enough to actually see Willow himself. If you have zero expectations and no appreciation for good acting you might be ok. For me this is on par with Big Brother and other shallow, vapid American tv shows aimed at the 13-21 crowd. Ug even The Chronicles of Shannara was better and that's saying something. Gag me with a spoon. I'm out. Sorry Willow.
Spoiler: the only enjoyable part was the opening narration where Sorsha/Joanne Wahlley says "what can I say, I was young" about the folly of marrying Madmartigan/Val Kilmer. That made me chuckle. Life imitating art and all that.
Blackout (2022)
21:10
Well that's 21 minutes and 10 seconds of my life I'll never get back. Good Lord what a mess. Trust the other reviews and don't waste your time. I trusted the Netflix "rating" of 5.1 and didn't look here before pressing Play. Nolte needs to see a speech therapist badly. Another of his generation who suddenly can't speak. It's like they all go to the same bad dentist and get dentures that don't fit. I can't stand Cornish on a good day but I had such high hopes for Josh Duhamel. Total let down. This is really the reason Netflix is floundering - they keep putting out garbage like this. No plot, bad script, sketchy camera work and all around crappy acting.
The Card Counter (2021)
Dull as dirt
If you have insomnia then this is the movie for you. It's about as interesting as watching paint dry. Just don't bother. No plot. Terrible writing. The actors had nothing to work with at all so I can't really blame them. Total waste of time.
The Mad Axeman (2019)
Just don't
I got nuthin. This was so bloody awful. Learn from my mistakes and don't bother with this one. Seriously. One of the dullest, dumbest movies I've watched this month.
1883 (2021)
Somebody can't google!
Ok so when John Dutton gets to Fort Worth, there's a snake oil salesman wanting $10 for some elixir. The guy at the livery wants $20 to make sure the contents of John's wagon aren't stolen, plus $2/horse (I think that's what he said?$ Later Sam Elliott says it's $200/family for something or other.
$10 in 1883 is the equivalent of about $275 today.
$20 in 1883 is about $552 today.
THERE IS NO WAY ANYONE THERE WAS THROWING AROUND THAT KIND OF MONEY!! Ffs it takes 2 seconds to google that stuff.
Line of Duty: Episode #6.1 (2021)
Big ol' pile of doggy dodo.
I literally got 10 minutes in to episode 1 of this season and had to quit. This new McDonald girl is dreadful. She sounds like she's trying to over enunciate her words to compensate for her Glaswegian accent. Just so much dry, incomprehensible police jargon that is totally unnecessary. It also has that weird BBC look - you know like Coronation Street - the "film" quality/type is bizarre. It makes it look like a low budget indy film shot on a handycam. Anyway don't waste your time. It's garbage.
The Strain: It's Not for Everyone (2014)
Seriously!?
The 2 main characters are supposed to be CDC doctors. They proceeded to do an autopsy on a guy who is clearly infected with something, without wearing any PPE other than gloves and gowns. No face shields or eye protection, no hazmat suits, no breathing protection - nada. I wear more PPE just cleaning the bathroom! Beyond stupid.
Acceptable Risk (2017)
Ouch. Brutal. Don't waste your time.
This was utterly painful to watch. The worst part was the horrible speech patterns of "Dr Hoffman" and the detective guy from Canada, which is weird since he actually IS Canadian. Siri on my phone has a more natural diction than these two. Also why are the FBI operating abroad? Makes no sense. Its slow and likely could have been done just as well (badly) in 3 episodes. I don't usually expect great stuff out of Canada (I'm Canadian) but had higher hopes for Ireland/Europe.
Richard the Lionheart: Rebellion (2015)
Seriously??
I literally quit after 5 minutes it was that bad - and I've watched some pretty crappy movies. It felt like a high school drama production with boobs.
London Kills: Captive (2019)
Spoilers ahead
I'm a stickler for details. The writing has been getting worse and less plausible each episode. This episode annoyed me for one simple reason...
They find the DI's wife unconscious by her parent's grave. Sergeant Cole says "she's breathing!" and proceeds to start CPR/chest compressions on her. Wtf!? I even went back to that scene and turned on the captions incase I misheard. Nope. Lazy lazy writing. And I'm sorry, but if the kidnapper was as mentally challenged as the actor portrayed him to be, how in the world did he get a driver's licence?? I'm glad this season is over. I don't think I'll watch it if there's a third.
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)
29 years is a bit much!
There's nearly a 30 year difference between Ray Liotta and Leelee Sobieski. Am I the only one totally grossed out by that? Other than that it's pretty terrible all around, especially given the star-studded cast. Go watch The Princess Bride (again) it will make you much happier.
Seventh Son (2014)
Someone get Jeff Bridges a new set of teeth!
Thank goodness we had the captioned turned on for this piece of garbage or we wouldn't have had any idea what Jeff Bridges was saying. Between his bad, fake, "trying to be British" accent and the bag of marbles in his mouth, he is completely unintelligible. Every movie he's been in in the last decade or more have been the same. Did he have a stroke? Is he having one on screen? It's just bloody painful to watch. Why does he keep getting hired? Do casting directors not look at recent work? Do yourself a favor and just turn the volume down and read the captions. It won't be nearly as frustrating. I have no idea if the movie is any good because I couldn't watch more than 15 minutes of it.