doctrnoles Reviews

Day of the Dead (1985)

Terrifying? Can I think about it? (Spoilers- that means you leave)

[7 August 2001]

"Day of the Dead." Man, they should call it "Day of the Unacting." Oh man, we're in trouble! What is this- zombie on a hot tin roof? This movie's starting to look like an Edward Albee play all of a sudden. Who did the decorating for this film- Paul Revere and the Raiders? Where do you get hallogen Christmas lights after the apocalypse? But, they do have piles of money laying on the ground, and they're all hundred dollar bills, but it won't do them any good now. Oh, so the zombie's were mallwalkers in "Dawn of the Dead." Now, they're just temps, wandering through the streets. They all look like Art Cloakey's first studies of Gumby, and they all walk like they have to use the bathroom. And, the zombies are shaving- continuity. How can they shave, since they're constantly confused? "Oh, me like so much, me buy company! First blade remove, second blade cut clean." I've got an idea, zombie, why don't you feather it? The end- it's just mutilation, what is the matter with these guys? Doesn't anybody care- the only one concerned is the music. It must be a faculty meeting, what with the linoleum posts, and the neon lights. Rating: 6.5 trillion/10 ( Someone should give these guys a lift to Keith Richards' house)

Road Trip (2000)

An Unsuccessful Tribute to Past Era's Of Easy-Going Male Contempt

[3 August 2001]

Road Trip would have worked more succesfully had the plot and premise been finely tuned to the point where the stories and the characters would have been so densely and irreconceivably intertwined that their inherent bonds could not be severed by a thousand unperceived plot elements, which, when undetected, bring down an otherwise erudite entrepreuneareal effort. Road Trip, see it if you belong to a member of that class that enjoys debauchery as if it were not a sacred act between two fixated lovers, but instead an opiate of the mass people, meaning that the luxury comes in the exclusivity that only certain persons, be it those who undertake movies with a vigorous investment, will understand. Don't give up on trying to spot the ironically inter-laden jabs at upper crust sensibility, you will not be too far off on noticing that the bourgeois mentality of free times as a means to express inner turmoils better saved for a mind changing psychoanalytical session, can be better dealt with in free time, with the desirable effect that sexual copulation can be the outcome of years and years of fidelity, a notion so ironic in and of itself that it lends itself to parables that give the intellectuals a chuckle, but leave the commoners out in the rain. Rating: 7/10 ( Ivan Reitman contributed his experience and use of cajoling to get women to undertake this very risky venture, a sexually obsessed male-dominated fantasy world, a world of females who look good and constantly flirt, in a lurid manner that lends itself to a stomach ache, and a desire to rewatch the masterpieces of Pier Paulo Pasolini.)

Billy Madison (1995)

An Inherently Comic Romp Through the Netherworlds of Obscurity

[1 August 2001]

Billy Madison plays out like a Dostoyevskian skewering of an undeniably garish and lunatically inspired flop through the madhouse of an enmity entirely related to that of a protagonist's tangled dreams of desire. The film intertwines moments that seem to represent a metaphorical "Blitzkrieg Bop" in certain regards, and thus adds to a overwhelming desire to eliminate the central comic theme of one character interwoven amongst a moving nightmare of abysmal, nightmarish haunts. A truly deceptive and enlightening view of a future that subsequently has no start or end, to leave the viewer in a constant state of perplexity about the unavoidable conclusion that Sandler is using his acting chops to intertwine childhood memories with crude chauvinistic fashions that epitomize Sade's ritualized approach towards masculine dominion over women. An unescapably hilarious broth that combines elements better reserved for a sweat-laden, disgustingly disturbing nightmare, that culminates in a mocking hatred of one's mother, coupled with the disturbing premonition that the world is becoming a blatant Xerox of the kind of dilapidated male fantasy world so accurately depicted in pornography. A story that deals with a world that will take it's time in slowly annihilating any woman's chance of successfully interacting with her male counterparts without a tinge of doubt as to the validity of her sex. Rating: 9/10 (Repugnant yet visually awe-inspiring plight that deals a crippling blow to the male psyche.)

Army of Darkness (1992)

A Misunderstood Indie/ Cult Hit Phenom that Rocks!

[30 July 2001]

Army of Darkness plays out like a sick, existential nightmare of a tangled protagonist's web of inner demons, set up against the backdrop of a premise that all to gladly parodies itself in the name of good comedy; but backfires as the premise gets water thin; and the audience is left to wonder if horror movies have embraced laid back nostalgia as a substitute for sheer terror and dauntless tension. As compared to Raimi's "The Evil Dead", this film plays out like a sick and syrupy snow cone that's been allowed to sit out on a late summer afternoon, on a porch, for a little too long. As a result, it is a nauseaus mess, at times. I still enjoyed the symbiotic interplay of the characters, and the story and dialogue should keep any enlightened existentialist glued to their chair, and the movie runs at a breakneck pace, and brings back fond memories of fond times past, in a good-natured, devil-may care, David Lynch awe-inspiring way. Rating: 5/10 ( An unnecessary addition, it single-handedly brings down a metaphoric "empire" that would have been better off left to the first two films-how tragic.)

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

Hot, Sweet, and Filthy!(Spoilers)

[29 July 2001]

"What kind of charade ends with someone turning up dead?" Those are great lyrics, Nolan. I've got real talent. My lyrics?- Those are lines from the movie, idiot! I couldn't even think of interesting enough phrases from my own imagination to use during my review. Anyway, "Eyes Wide Shut" was a great f****g movie! When Kubrick makes a movie, they're supposed to be good; that's the whole point. It was moving yet stupid. The sets look like they were designed by Edward Hopper. Tom Cruise is Bill Hartman, and he wonders where his seed will find purchase. Maybe if Tom could tell himself who it is he's looking for, he could help himself. The orgy scene, what a great scene! That was actually how my parents met. Oh, for fun. Nicole Kidman- I hate to stare at a butt like that. Sydney Pollack- you twisted old fruit. Vinessa Shaw, in a cameo role- Now she really is hotter than Nicole. My only critique to the actors would be-"posture, people- let's snap it up a bit!" And, what was with the whimsical sitcom music? "Fidelio"- let me get a pencil, I want to write that one down. Hey, it's my favorite movie. But, sure wish I had a girlfriend instead of this movie! Rating: 10/10 ( Vinessa, there's a dance next Friday, and I was thinking..)

Wild at Heart (1990)

I see, What Does "Eroticism" Mean, Again? Oh, No Matter..

[27 July 2001]

Were movies ever this intense? My heart was in my throat for the whole movie. I'd give a honk up to Nixie, 'cause this movie was hot, sweet, and filthy. The opening of the movie looks like you've walked into an Omnimax Show, and the titles were impish. It's nice, they used the Straus music instead of the hard grunge for the titles. Those were some really great opening visuals, you know, the credits? But, weren't they kind of fruity? Gee, I never really thought about them that way. Nolan, they were. Oh, no matter. Lynch is working on a T.V show, so he'll be with us in a minute or two, but for now he's a little busy. I read in Video Watchdog about the torrid affair between David Lynch and Mary Sweeney. Why would their affair be in Video Watchdog? Have you seen Mary? Lynch looks constantly confused, but has some wonderfully grinchey ideas. His mother must have dressed him up as Judy Garland and forced him to sing show tunes; he tries to humiliate women, he's evil! David, we hardly knew ye! Rating: 8/10 ( I'm reading for an Ethan Hawke-type role tomorrow)

Poltergeist (1982)

Daddy's Little Cutie

[26 July 2001]

This is what happens when Spielberg dabbles in horror movies; what starts out as a pretty suspenseful horror film becomes so sappy and Spielberg-esque, you can literally see the butter and Log Cabin dribbling down your T.V. screen. Man, I'm really having mood swings! My very soul is defiled. I imagine what this movie would look like if it wasn't a Spielberg production: I'd see a dismal film ahead, instead of the light-hearted family drama/horror story. I don't want to sound like a Monday morning quarterback, but it would be a lot scarier if Hooper had directed, without Spielberg in his way. What you have are three different films; the family is in movie A, the evil force is in movie B, and the daughter, she must be movie C. Their son was such a little brat, and in all of the scenes where he's being beaten senseless by the evil force, I kept wondering "Is it wrong for me to want to see this?" Anyway, this film is about the dark, primitive ritual of revenge, so you'll get used to it. It's actually a pretty scary movie, and I was surprised. 80's "PG" looks like 90's "R", anyway. Also, the black man was a savory character, and we have to have that. You've got the family, the poltergeist, Craig T. Nelson, and the black man, that should be just about everything. Rating: (7/10) I read in Newsweek that Tobe Hooper completely re-wrote Steven Spielberg's original script-he was really mad. Wait a minute- I read Newsweek? What a loser!

The Evil Dead (1981)

We've Dug Something Up for You!

[22 July 2001]

Welcome to the Crypt! I'm kidding, of course. This is Evil Dead, not that lame TV show. This movie was absolutely terrifying! There was a time in our history when America took pride in it's horror movies. This film is the pinnacle of that time. You have a scenario that rips off the premise from "The Exorcist" and "Night of the Living Dead", but still pulls it off exceptionally; a group of college kids go to a cabin in the middle of nowhere, and begin to murder each other. As it happens, there happens to be an ancient spirit residing there. Instead of a full-out assault, it doesn't kill them right away, but instead let's the kids linger. This movie is intense, and it showed that Raimi was an irreverent talent. If only Raimi's other films were so lucky. "The Quick and the Dead" sucked, and "Evil Dead 2" wasn't very funny, and was uncool. However, "Evil Dead" is Raimi's indie masterpiece. It's extremely graphic, and there were times where I was watching the film and started to think, "uh..Lunch-coming-up!" If you can stand scenes of people being cut open and counting their rings, then you'll be fine. I thought I would be a lot less scared by "Evil Dead". I was pretty cool through it, but I still had bad dreams. As far as killing people, it's pretty good. This is the best of the "Evil Dead" series, by far. And, at least one of the cast members is a decent actor who'se done some good work. I'm talking about Bruce Campbell. Bruce did a lot of stuff; he worked with Lea Thompson on "Caroline in the City", he was in Waxwork 2; he was the main character in Brisco County, Jr. But "Evil Dead" was the hallmark of Bruce's career. Bruce can now be seen at L.A's prestigious Garden Street Mall, where he sells lightly salted meat products. In short, watch "Evil Dead" for a real thrill ride. I read in Fangoria about how Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi were at each others' throats, and that the entire three days of the shoot were absolute hell. Rating: 10/10 (When Raimi made "The Gift", I think something inside all of us withered and died.)

Strange Days (1995)

Katherine, You've Got To Stop Doing Drugs!

[11 July 2001]

Strange Days was a monumental movie; and it was packed with visuals that really kicked a**! There seems to be an inside family thing going here, as far as the direction goes, since Bigelow is (or was) James Cameron's wife. I kept thinking, "Am I still in a James Cameron film?" It definitely has the look and feel of a Terminator or Aliens film, but it also has lots of erotica. Hey, this is new! I don't know, Cameron's movies didn't have that while he was around, directing at the helm. I think Katherine Bigelow has a lot of pain, perhaps her soul has been defiled. This movie is top-notch, but I'll admit, it gets a bit excessive towards the end. It's like "Oh, they're showing that we live in 'perilous times'? Good, for a second I was afraid they weren't going to make that clear enough!" Hell, I think Katherine is loonier than Lynch is, when it comes to sado-masochism. In short, Strange Days is phenomenal, just don't expect "The Sound of Music" when you start watching it. Didn't do me any good. Rating: 10/10 (I'm in a bad mood, I think I'll go rent "Salo")

Shrek (2001)

Only Has An Hour Or So To be Hilarious, and Fails

[7 July 2001]

Shrek was, well, not healthy for children and other living things. From seeing this mind-numbing "fairy tale", it's no wonder to me why our children are now dumber than a bag of hammers. These so-called children's movies condescend the audience into a state of utter slothfulness, and our kids are left without a thought in their tiny little brains. For once I'll be glad to re-read the Grimm Brothers; at least they entertained children with horrifying stories of violence, debauchery, and sadism. The most terrifying part of Shrek is paying eight bucks to see it, and thinking to yourself "I hate this film, everything about it is bad". Well, it all wasn't terrible, the computer graphics were great and, well, nevermind, it still bites the big one. Full of meaningless pop culture references and mindless child manipulation tactics, expect your child to want to blow your money on worthless merchandise and clothing and God knows what else. The jokes about bad breath and Freud?-hey, this is the Dark Ages; Continuity! I was impressed by how primitive their eviction notices were in the Dark Ages. (If you see the film, you'll know what I'm talking about.) Rating: 4/10 (I Don't Know, It's starting to Look like last summer, all over again)

The Beach (I) (2000)

Huh?

[25 June 2001]

"Huh?" is right, when it comes to understanding the plot of this silly movie. Just watch the part with the chick in the blue bikini, that's the best part, the rest was all just nonsense. However, I really got into it, regardless; probably because of the superb craftsmanship of the movie itself. This movie's not much without the visuals, the colors, and the music. The haunting "beach" theme was so pretty, so beautiful, that I could feel my eyes fill up with tears. (I'm not being sarcastic.) Well, this movie saves the best for the beginning, instead of saving something moving for the final scene. I have a feeling that Leonardo was depressed about his part in this movie; maybe he was sulking because he turned down the lead in "American Psycho". Robert Carlyle's character had a better story than the plot of this movie; you'll see what I mean. In summation, if you run out of things to do, then see this film, and throw in a little Terence Malick afterwards. Rating: 8/10 (P.S-french girl: I know you're a beautiful actress with a boyfriend, but if you ever get lonely, you know who to call..)

Stigmata (1999)

Not a Half-Bad Picture Show

[18 June 2001]

Forgiving the fact that Stigmata is based on fraudulent texts, puts an ancient curse in a modern city, and baffles the viewer in a variety of other ways, it wasn't that bad. I liked it. It was clearly the worst biblical drama I'd ever seen, and it was loaded with continuity problems to boot; by the end, if you have not completely suspended your disbelief, you've got problems. Patricia Arquette has sex appeal, and Gabriel Byrne has a real crisis of conscience; should he fall in love, or remain faithful? He probably thinks to himself: "No, I'm a priest, I won't, Oh..maybe", when he sees down Arquette's all too obvious cleavage. Oh well, the movie is a little ridiculous, but I'd like to see the titles again; those were coool! Finally, a movie about the bible for my generation. Thanks Rupert! By the way, it's not all fun and games-be forewarned-there are some truly nasty scenes that will give you the jim-jams something awful. Rating: 6/10 (What do you expect in a movie with Johnathan Pryce as an Archbishop-he's sort of an idiot)

Varsity Blues (1999)

Not Much Without it's Southern Babes

[9 June 2001]

Chicks in scantily-clad clothes; that's what this movie's all about. The supposedly uplifting football saga just wallows in the over-triumphant celebration of football, a sport which isn't the world. They saved the best for the middle, where our young hero really hits it off with the town slut. That scene was just great, and the rest of the movie, ah, you don't even have to watch. The scenes with the southern belles are really good; and the football saga is just a pale approximation to reality. The film's so-called "realism" suffers at many points. The moody and introspective quarterback, finds himself translating Beckett plays and going to strip clubs. Trace the protagonist's existentialist struggle with greatness; He joins the team, he inherets the coveted "quarterback God" status, he falters, he questions life, and he visits strip clubs, all in about five minutes. The film did get one thing right; that moment of victory is just that: a moment. Let's trace the character's futures for a possible sequel-Moxon, broken neck, shortly after filming of original "Varsity Blues", Tweeder-found dead with Coors party ball lodged in throat, Billy Bob-sells lightly salted meat products, Coach Kilmer-sulking in trailer Rating:2/10 (Were those babes all blondes? Whoa-flashbacks! High School..)

Titanic (1997)

Uh..You know...yeah..you know? Um-huh..

[27 May 2001]

I saw a dismal film ahead, when I first saw the opening credits, but it was still entertaining, and a little tragic. In the typical James Cameron style, this film is just crawling with stuff you wouldn't believe. The movie starts out dull, with Gloria Stuart helping to pad out the first ten minutes, but then it really gets rolling! Afterwards, I had to ask myself: Hey, got a cigarette? I felt spent, and that's typical of Cameron movies too. If Cameron made a biblical film, I bet he'd have a twenty minute crucifixion scene. The sinking was incredible, and they saved the best for last; the rest is just another day on board a Loveboat style rip-off. Oh well, Cameron's not much without his special effects here, but that's what everyone who goes to see this movie already knows. James Cameron should stop giving himself Orson Welles injections, and just stick to making action movies. I just keep thinking of those slick effects in his other films, and how beautiful they all were. This movie? I guess James was just trying to display some emotion, but it was corny. The sinking is what this movie's about. Rating: 7/10 (Bill Paxton must have been depressed about his part in the movie)

The Big Lebowski (1998)

Don't Give in to The Man!

[20 May 2001]

The Big Lebowski, man, he is, like, so cool! I've never seen a movie that showed such a slacker and made being a slacker seem not so bad, and hey, I could get used to him. The Cohen brothers are always petulant, but here it seemed like they just said, "Let's have fun, and we're gonna film every minute of it." Hey, they're basically good eggs. Those squares bug the dude, they really bug him. The dude may sleep it off a bit too much, but he's got it all together upstairs. Somebody's after his rug, and he smells a rat; a big Commie rat. The main problem is that Lebowski's being terrorized by some hoods, and keeps wondering, "hey, are these guys employed by anyone?" The movie sure keeps you guessing, and the cast of the movie help to really dress it up. Jeff Bridges-this is some of his best acting, John Turturro-he's good, 'cause he has nothing to do with the film, and Julianne Moore-we'll settle on looks. I'm kidding, of course. Also, catch Sam Elliot as Mr. Exposition; it's a good thing he's here to walk us around this movie. Rating: 10/10

Aliens (1986)

This Is a Bug Hunt, maan!

[18 May 2001]

What can I say about Aliens, that hasn't already been said before? The twenty minute shoot-out at the finale was so much, at one point I was saying to myself "That's it! I'm leaving." After every avenue of diplomacy has been navigated, this movie just ends up becoming one giant butt-kicking fest; aliens vs. marines. Those marines suits were covered in Wicker Armor, courtesy of Pier One imports, so the armor didn't work too well, but it was just decorative. Maybe in the future we humans should rotate to the other side of the galaxy, where the mutant aliens don't live. A prehistoric mutant hellbeast beats a human armed with a machine gun any day of the week. This was some of Sigourney's best acting right here, and Paul Reiser was good as the corporate raider, who goes along for the Company. My only complaint was that the models in this movie were much much cheesier than the sets I've seen in a lot of other sci-fi movies. All in all, just stay frosty, and you'll make it through this one! Rating: 10/10

Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

When Coppola Dabbles in Surreal Films

[17 May 2001]

Dracula was absolutely stunning, and I'm not just saying that because I'm on the payroll. This film was so awesomely constructed, and that means lots of money. Is there any genre that Coppola can't conquer? I have some questions, though: Why was Dracula sporting that grunge look from Seattle? It's quite popular, I've heard, but why in this movie? Also, why did Vlad borrow his shades from John Lennon? Aside from that, this film really kicked a**! A new color scheme was introduced every five minutes, and the opening was spectacular. I liked the flashback in the beginning better than the rest of the movie. The pace was just right, and I felt like things were moving real fast towards the end of the film. I thought Winona should have covered her cleavage, and her shame, but oh well. Francis likes cleavage; go figure! Rating: 10/10 (MB-Massive Babeage)

Event Horizon (1997)

Great Movie? Well, I wouldn't go that Far

[8 May 2001]

Event Horizon wasn't that bad; I kind of liked it. My problem is that the backstory about the ship had a better story than the plot of this movie. I feel like the filmmakers and the studios think that the audience is dumber than a bag of hammers. They figure that since our feeble brains can hardly add fractions, we don't understand anything complex. So, they trade in an interesting story for a stupid action movie. True, I'm not an experienced physicist, but I'd like science better than exploitation. Seen it! Who knows, by making more complicated films, we might be bemused by this plucky motion picture industry. I could sense the irony in the physicist explaining the "dimensional gateway" to a bunch of palookas who look more confused by this movie's premise than we do. Rating: 6/10 (Great song at the end; Hip stuff, huh?)

The Good Son (1993)

Well, It's Really Lame

[3 May 2001]

I hated The Good Son, naturally. Oh, so Macaulay Culkin's a Calvinist? This is new. I love watching twelve year old's debating over altruism, and this movie works so well because we care about the characters. The therapist in this movie was really out of practice, and apparently discussed Elijah Wood's problems with Macaulay; things which he told her in the strictest confidence. Hey, director, remember a thing called The House Ethics Commitee? You blew that one, maybe you should of researched it. This movie is not healthy for children and other living things, and Macaulay doesn't give a tinker's damn about anything. If his manic depressive mom could of just read between the lines, then this c**phola picture would of been over a lot quicker. Rating: 2/10 ( I hate to think what Christopher Lasch would have to say about this movie.)

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

I Don't Know Why

[29 April 2001]

Terminator 2 is incredible, and I've killed three minutes writing this review. The action is frantic and awesome, and I never get tired of seeing the T-1000 morphing into different shapes. After I saw it, I wanted to hit the sheets, because I was exhausted! I saw the director's cut, with those scenes that didn't originally appear in the movie that they restored. Aren't you glad? It's boss! If you don't know the plot, pinch yourself hard, 'cause you deserve it. Unless you watch movies in another country, than you know what it's about. I bet everyone in the world knows what this dog's about. In summary, watch this movie if you want to see some surrealist action filmaking. Rating: 10/10 (You should see the T-1000 with vegetables!)

Swingers (1996)

You Live Around Here Much?

[22 April 2001]

Swingers really beats the Dutch, and I'm really footin' it on the lingo. Foist, we got Mikey Peters, who remains gutless for most of the show, but then gets his Swingerness back. Second, we've Trent, an elite pick-up artist who is very smooth. He makes Mike look pathetic by comparison. Mike gets tossed a little rickshaw when his woman, who was just poured into that dress, no longer cuts it for him. Mike dumps her and moves out to L.A. How about a little sugar for Mike? Thats what the movie is about, his lack of confidence in his sexuality. Trent has the "should I call you or just roll over and nudge you" mentality where as Mike has the "there's a dance next Friday and I was wondering..Oh.", mentality. Rest assured, the movie has a happy ending and I guess they'll save the rest of the story for the sequel. Rating: 7/10 (For a good time, call doctrnoles)

Golgo 13: The Professional (1983)

Time To Go Undercover

[19 April 2001]

The Professional was an incredibly awesome action film, packed with guys getting gunned down, and lots of chicks in black bikinis. The story in The Professional was much much better than in a lot of those James Bond films. Those animators are good with those pencils; their technique! Wow! Apparently, this movie was one of the first to use computer animation, but it was pretty much squat compared to what they can do now. Still, this movie will persuade you to want to be a spy, because this job has all the extras! Don't worry, all you animal lovers, because no real animals were hurt during the making of this film. It's just a film. For a good time, watch The Professional. It is, like, so cool. Rating: 10/10 ( Anyone else think this movie's disturbing? Just say Golgo if you do.)

Blue Streak (1999)

The Dumb Blue Line

[16 April 2001]

Blue Streak is an embarrassment to comedies and itself. So, we're going to have Martin Lawrence act goofy, and we're gonna film every minute of it. I guess that was the director's intention. I loved the classic oddles of noodles scene, and the action held me in attention for the whole movie. I'm being sarcastic. Even though this movie was relatively short, I snapped in and out of consciousness at least three times. Don't watch this movie unless you're intensely stupid, or are in desperate need to do something. If you're really desperate, than it's okay. If you say to yourself "I've been waiting all day to see this," then get institutionalized. CALLING ALL CARS, MOVIE NEEDS RESSESSITATION, REPEAT, MOVIE NEEDS RESSESSITATION. I liked how his wife was there to pad the first ten minutes, after that, I started thinking, "what happened to his woman?" Rating: 2/10 (I'm in a bad mood, I think I'm going to rent Faces of Death)

The Story of Woo Viet (1981)

Breaks a New Record...In Boredom!

[5 April 2001]

God of Killers was one of the worst movies I have ever seen, and anyone who says it's good is just being obtuse. I liked the great sound effects, such as the "akiiba!" and "jinnkadaa!" yells of the villains, but come on! This movie is an embarrassment to action movies and itself. I kept thinking to myself, "so, what am I, two hours into this movie? Oh, wait, it's more like a minute." Chow, shame on you! I did not like the treatment of the dwarf, it wasn't very funny, and it was uncool. There was more action in the wallpaper in my livingroom, than in this action thriller. It was obvious that this movie had a really low budget, so to compensate they would give ordinary guys extraordinary names; for example, Chow is the God of Killers. See, it makes it fun! I wish that I had watched the movie in front of a moving bus, so then I'd be guaranteed that something thrilling would happen. Rating: 2/10 ( When the wind comes down you will see who rules, Chow!)

Payback (I) (1999)

Cut the Baby Act, and Give me the Straight Poop!

[2 April 2001]

Payback is not a half-bad picture show. This movie was exciting, see, I liked it, see! Mel Gibson stars as a low-rent, bombastic biscuit boy of a hoodlum. His partner, played by Gregg Henry, stabbed him in the back in a switcheroo, and now Mel wants some payback. It's called revenge, and man does it work! The only problem is that Mel is being followed by crooked cops, corrupt overlords, and a little pansy drug dealer (played by David Paymer) who always sings like a canary, naming names. Mel's out to get back his chunk of a heist that him and his partner ran, in the backstory of the movie. This all seems like a lot to go through for $70,000, but Mel has got nowhere else to turn. He uses a lot of slang, beats some guys around, and always seems to be sold out, by someone claiming to be his friend. Thank you, so much, pal, a shot in the face! The problem with movies like this is that they tell you "Violence and double-crossing is good for you!" Our society just loves to attribute faults to others, so this movie better watch out. Rating: 7/10 (I'm tired, I'm gonna make like I'm sawing logs.)