Change Your Image
torwell
Reviews
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
Manos UnMiSTed
I love "MANOS" The Hands of Fate. The first time I saw it, I saw the original version that Hal Warren intended, untouched by robot hands. I saw the MiSTed version later the same day. MST3K changes the film's atmosphere and leaves out a good scene where the Master beats a defiant wife, who points out that he's losing control. It's a fairly short film with fun music, so it's a lot easier to sit through than reports of it had led me to believe. (Some people claim that "MANOS" knocks Plan 9 From Outer Space out of the running for Worst Film of All Time, because Plan 9 is perversely enjoyable, while "MANOS" is pure pain. This is as false as the claim that Plan 9 is the worst movie ever made.) The funny thing is, most people who comment on "MANOS" have never seen the proper version of it. I thank Best Brains for helping to bring "MANOS" to my attention, but it's kind of sad that hardly anyone can discuss it without quoting Joel & the bots.
Wo hu cang long (2000)
"Wo4 Hu3 Cang2 Long2" is Japanese for "Marry me!"
If you see this in a theater, be sure to laugh at all the unrealistic movement and stupid characters who jump off cliffs. Remember that anyone who doesn't laugh is just keeping up a pretense so they can seem intellectual to other pretentious snobs. I, however, am a real red-blooded common person who can see what those "high-brows" who pretend not to laugh can't see. I can see that this movie is set in ANCIENT CHINA, millions of years ago, older than Napoleon, even! This is ABSURD! REDICULOUS! LAUGHABLE! People DO NOT live in ANCIENT CHINA nowadays, so HOW can they make a movie that shows something that ISN"T HAPPENING!!!?!?!?!??! It's so FAKE!! The UNREALISTIC setting would have ruined the hundreds of incomprehensible plots, if they weren't already ruined by the dialogue. They COULD have had GOOD dialogue, but they chose instead to have FOREIGN LANGUAGE dialogue! ! ! ! It's unpossible to write something serious in that weird Siberian language they made up for this movie, because it only has four hundred syllables and it hasn't got any words!! (It only has morphemes!) Why do foreign people teach themselves their inferior foreign languages, which are difficult to pronounce, clunky, and have unnatural syntax? If it weren't for foreign language education, everyone would speak English and we'd all understand each other!!
Also, ethnic people live in a suicidal culture of shame which is why all the characters killed themselves.
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
Howard! The! Duck!
A few things in this cinematic feast are a bit jarring, but the stuff that isn't at all new is brilliant; viewing it is a great ceremony. A lot of people would like to kill Jar Jar, but I'd much rather kill the critics who panned the film. You know... the ones who said, "THIS MOVIE IS BORING LIKE C-SPAN BECAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT A TRADE DISPUTE AND IT'S NOT SEXY BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE HAN SOLO IN IT !!!!!!!" Those critics are too stupid to appreciate George Lucas' subtle nuances. Hey, they said that Metalstorm lacked heart, too--umm, never mind about Metalstorm... Just imagine what goes on in George Lucas' mind! WOW!!
On Deadly Ground (1994)
DIRECTOR Steven Seagal!
Oh, no! The mystical (and possibly inscrutable) Eskimos are being oppressed by evil capitalists! They're caught in an evil contract which will allow the evil Michael Caine to oppress them if he finishes building a machine before it blows up, or something. Luckily for these oppressed mystic-spirit type minorities, the spirits have chosen a white guy (DIRECTOR Steven Seagal) to protect them from the Snidely Whiplash types. Seagal saves the environment by blowing stuff up. Then he lectures us with conspiracy theories about the oil companies. Yay!
Wish Kid (1991)
I'm termite snacks!
This cartoon begins with a breathless expository monologue delivered by Macaulay Culkin, as all cartoons should. You see, Nick's magic wish-granting baseball glove works once per week, and each episode revolves around one wish. The wish always wears out before the episode is over. The problem with the way this is written is that NICK NEVER CONSIDERS THAT THE WISH WILL WEAR OUT. It's as if he were new at this. The physics depicted here are much wackier than those in Home Alone. The characters have very unrealistic reactions to Nick's trickery as he tries to worm his way out of the wacky zany situations. Usually there's a musical montage of wacky chase scenes with a song written especially for the episode. And most importantly, Nick tends to look at the camera and scream something along the lines of, "I'm termite snacks!" Just take one animal from Column A, and one sort of food from Column B. "I'm eel sauce!" "I'm locust eggrolls!" "I'm Leviathan Raoul!" (I'm not going to try to work an Iron Chef reference into this.)
By the way, before sending this I went back and replaced every instance of the word "Kevin" with the word "Nick". Pretty neat stuff, huh?
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
Howard! The! Duck!
A few things in this cinematic feast are a bit jarring, but the stuff that isn't at all new is brilliant; viewing it is a great ceremony. A lot of people would like to kill Jar Jar, but I'd much rather kill the critics who panned the film. You know... the ones who said, "THIS MOVIE IS BORING LIKE C-SPAN BECAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT A TRADE DISPUTE AND IT'S NOT SEXY BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE HAN SOLO IN IT !!!!!!!" Those critics are too stupid to appreciate George Lucas' subtle nuances. Hey, they said that Metalstorm lacked heart, too--umm, never mind about Metalstorm... Just imagine what goes on in George Lucas' mind! WOW!!