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Reviews
Cabin Boy (1994)
Oh, the pain!
I went to a Sunday matinee for this movie, and I'm very glad I didn't pay more than a few dollars to see it. Except for the Letterman cameo, it truly was a waste of time. If I could trade that time back for an hours sleep, or even listening to yoko ono serenade me, I would. Sure, occasionally a chuckle would be pulled from me, but most of the movie I sat stunned to silence at how bad a movie it is, and I like many of the cast members. (Though I'm not a fan of Conan Obrien) Please, go see something else, rent something else, or just go to the emergency room with abdominal pains instead of wasting time on this movie.
Hardware (1990)
It's not that bad, it's WORSE!
Ten years ago on a whim and "That looks interesting." my friends and I went to see Hardware the opening night. To this day, the only movie that has come close to being as bad is Cabin Boy, and that at least had one good scene. Spoilers!(If it makes you not want to see the movie, I accept donations and Thank You cards.)
Synopsis: Man brings robot head to girlfriend, she is an artist, and she puts head in a sculpture, then has sex with boyfriend. Robot comes to life, assembles itself McGyver style out of household parts(With nobody noticing) and kills everyone - 1. (BTW: Favorite method, neurotoxin with hallucinogenic effect.
Q: Where did it get this cool neurotoxin in an apartment?
A: Maybe it's a mixture of Palmolive and Liquid Plummer.)
Imagine 'The Terminator' filmed in one person's apartment, with a red lens over the camera. You have begun to understand this movie. Then add in a so-so sex scene, interspersed with shots of the fat, greasy, ominous sex maniac in the building across the street watching through a telescope. Toss in some attempts at scientific logic that make no sense: "It sees heat, I'll hide in the fridge!" "I can't unlock my own apartment door, but I can telnet into the robot's brain to ask "Why are you a killer?"
Wrap it all up with an end theme song, repeating "This is what you want, this is what you get" 200 times. Critics loved this movie. I think you would need to point a loaded gun at my head and count past 2 before I'd watch this movie again.