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Beware the Slenderman (2016)
Long and boring. SO BORING.
I truly couldn't make it through this documentary and I really tried.
This might be slightly interesting if you really, really wanted to know everything ever written on the internet about this idiotic Slenderman meme, or maybe if you had never heard of memes....but, if you came for a crime documentary you will be sorely disappointed.
The girls involved are in about 15% of the movie. The rest is backstory on basic folklore and descriptions of the Slenderman character. It's so boring you'll fall asleep. This could have been 30 minutes, 45 tops. But, two hours?
HBO usually knocks documentaries out of the park, but they failed horribly with this one. I'd rather watch paint dry. I googled what happened to the girls and the victim and called it a day on this dull flick.
Evil (2019)
We aren't kidding about the annoying daughters
Great show, I'm fully involved....until the daughters are on screen, then I consider switching it off. Good lord, who thought they were a good idea? The screeching and high-pitched whining....its just the worst. I read the reviews before watching and thought people were just blowing it out of proportion...
They are not. The daughters almost make the show unwatchable. I'm hoping there's an episode where they get sucked into a demon dimension or something. I'd love to hear the direction for their scenes - "OK, girls, louder this time! Can you get your voices to a higher pitch? We really need to give the audience the worst headache possible!"
Constellation (2024)
Two episodes in and I'm out.
What a total mess of a show. All I feel is irritation. I couldn't possibly care less about any of the characters, or the child, or what happens in space. It's all so dumb that I can't even believe it.
Nothing makes sense and it's like they got off on you not knowing what the actual eff is happening. This chick has to get like six batteries unscrewed and transferred to her escape capsule and she's utterly incapable. This is a task I could do, you could do. I get that there's something else at play here (though, what that is is literally anyone's guess) - just get the stupid batteries and get out of there you absolute fool.
Mean Girls (2024)
Absolutely Unnecessary - A Mess
This just never should have happened. I hated literally every aspect of this remake. None of the new actors rose to the level of the originals. Period. Regina wasn't awful, but she lacked a lot and never gave the vibes the OG did. Did not like Cary's actress, at all.
The songs....ugh. This might work beautifully on a stage, but it doesn't work here. Listening to the lyrics I realized that they were supposed to be funny, but I wasn't even smiling, much less laughing. I see a lot of reviews saying that the characters can't sing, and I think that aspect was fine - they can all sing well, I just hated what they were singing. Cady singing at a jewelry box asking it what's wrong with her? No thank you at all.
Overall, awful awful awful. So sad it was even made.
Self Reliance (2023)
So much missed potential....
What a unique premise! I had such high hopes going in to this. Here's the ONE thing it was missing that could have made it an amazing movie....
A twist.
You THINK there's a twist coming. Hell, I would have bet money there was a twist coming. Here is a list of cool twists....
1. Anna Kendrick is a killer not a contestant.
2. The homeless dude is a killer not a contestant.
3. (My favorite) There's no game at all and the protagonist really is as delusional as everyone around him thinks. Hell, when he's at the warehouse at the end screaming into the darkness about how he won, where's his money, I thought, "Holy crap, they did it, there is no game, holy crap, this is amazing."
Granted, that would have made it a pretty dark movie, but hell, dark is better than what it was. Useless. No surprises. And, the surprises were, what? Weird foreign money paid out over 250 years or something like that?
This movie just fell absolutely and totally flat, and it's a shame, because it could have gone in many, much better directions. I would have preferred him to wake up in a mental hospital than end the way it did.
Ugh. SO SO disappointed.
Revenge (2017)
A World Without Sense OR science
First of all, this is not a sci-fi movie. People saying this movie is awesome and to stop taking it so seriously clearly don't care if you have to completely and totally ignore science and any knowledge of the human body to enjoy this movie.
Many people have already covered many of the points, but here's a summary:
Ditzy (but extremely hot) blond who, like, wants to go to L. A. to, like, "get noticed" is pushed off of an extremely high cliff where she lands on a tree and is impaled straight through her back, large branch sticking out of her stomach.
Girl uses small bunch of dry twigs to start a fire that burns the tree immediately, but doesn't burn her! A big enough fire to be shown later as a huge black fire spit from above. This tree didn't collapse when she landed on it going whatever speed she was going when she hit it, but it immediately burns and releases her without a single scorch mark.
Let's not try and think about how the fall and impalement would have killed her outright and even IF I believe she could survive it, there would be no walking across the desert barefoot, that's ludicrous.
Girl finds bad guy and stabs him in the face. When he is found hours later he is bloated as though he had been in the water for weeks.
Girl finds a cave and takes peyote. Begins to trip IMMEDIATELY after eating it. Uses a lighter to sterilize the Bowie knife she has instead of sticking it into the roaring fire she has created.
Oh yes, she's an expert fire starter and while on peyote suddenly understands cauterizing. Let's forget that this branch went all the way through her gut and she just cauterized the superficial wound on her belly. How's her back doing where the branch went in?
It's fine, she doesn't even have a wound there. Seriously.
This bit is my favorite part. She uses a beer can to heat up and cauterize the superficial wound (shhhhhh don't talk about internal bleeding, she's fine, shhhhh) - this beer can is flat on the outside, no raised letters or design, but when she wakes up she has a perfect brand of the bird that was on the can on her belly. Because, that's how it works. What's science, anyway?
Also while she is in the cave she dyes her hair dark brown. I think they must have cut that scene out of the finished movie, but she did. It's not like bloody blonde hair, it's like mahogany brown. Inexplicably.
Did I mention that she's apparently really well versed on loading and utilizing large ammo weapons? Yep, super comfortable with them, and a great shot!
She continues to walk through the desert rocks barefoot like it's literally nothing.
She uses binoculars to spot another bad guy and he is quite a distance away. She seemingly walks over to where he is in a matter of minutes. No big. This dude takes off his shoes after she shoots him and winds up stepping on glass (!?) - the cut in his foot is a vagina, no joke, and he has to go in like four inches with his fingers to pull the glass out. Quite the scene, really. Probably the most hilarious scene in the movie. Well, besides the Saran Wrap scene.
So there's only one bad guy left and he is naked for the entire rest of the movie. Just wang slangin' like it's his job. Not offended in the least, but a very very weird choice on the directors part. She shoots him at the house and his guts basically start exploding out of his abdomen so he just uses Saran Wrap to wrap around himself, bleeding so much it is pooling around his feet. As the girl and final bad guy literally run in circles for 10 minutes the dude bleeds enough to create a pool of blood bad enough that when she slips in it she literally can't get up.
Like many other bad (read: accurate) reviews have mentioned, in this movie blood is endless and everyone has enough to bleed out for like days. What is science? In this movie, it doesn't exist.
She kills big dong naked man and at that very moment the whir of an incoming helicopter can be heard, her way out. I think if the movie let us see that interaction it would have shown her covered in blood, her hair now ebony black because it just got darker every passing moment, hopping on the heli and telling the pilot to take her straight to L. A., because now that she has her cool eagle brand on her belly, she's sure to get noticed.
I would have needed to be on peyote to enjoy this awful, stinking, festering blob of poop. The fact that one of the reviewers for this movie said they had seen 2000 movies and this instantly became one of their all-time favorites makes me so sad that I want to cry.
Unless you actively seek out horribly made movies with idiotic writing, please don't waste your time.
Voyagers (2021)
Great Premise but you'll literally hate everyone.
My god I haven't been this hate filled towards so many characters in a movie in a long time.
First, this is an idiotic movie, at best. Interesting plot, but pretty quickly all but like three of the characters become insufferably stupid and illogical. The extraneous cast, which is most of the cast, just act like mouth breathing cave men and women who have brains that didn't develop beyond Kindergarten.
I hate this movie. I'm only watching it to the end in the hopes that they'll shove the brainless twits out into space.
Spare yourself, unless you like watching movies where all you can think about is wishing all of the characters would die horrible deaths.
Stink stank stunk....in space!
And Just Like That... (2021)
So. Sosososo. SO SO BAD.
I rarely write reviews. This one deserves it, though.
What in the actual hell happened to everyone between the last movie and this absolute pile of tripe? I don't even know where to start.
The first season was bad. Like, really bad. But, I would have given it a 3 for certain things that happened during the season. Still bad, though.
Forget breaking down seasons - WHAT HAPPENED TO MIRANDA?! Did she have a nervous breakdown and have to be lobotomized between the last movie and AJLT? They took a STRONG, decisive, no nonsense, incredibly intelligent and logical woman and with a snap turned her into a weak, mewling, token lesbian who has....no career really to speak of, is estranged from her kid (don't get me started on that story line) and don't get me start on Steve either.
Che is one of the worst, if not the worst, gay character in anything I've ever seen, movies or TV. Shows /should/ have gay characters, but maybe the writers should realize that LGBTQ+ people are not cardboard cut-outs with no identity other than being LGBTQ+. I mean, Che is a "comedian" (don't get me started on their "jokes", good god) but outside of that their entire life seems dedicated to their gayness. And, not in a charitable, helpful way.....it's just the only personality trait they have. Sorry, they are also rather abusive to Miranda and extremely selfish. There are no redeeming qualities to this character.
I could really go on much longer, but the long of the short is that this is a TRAVESTY of a show. Sex and the City wasn't some super deep, thoughtful show, but it was FUN and we liked the characters.
Now? Yeah, the only characters I really like are the ones that aren't in it enough.
You might be like me and think you're gonna watch it even though you know it's going to be bad. But, it is getting very hard to even bother watching the next episode.
If this were a movie and not a show it would be The Room. You could make a drinking game. Take a shot every time Charlotte tries to make her face express emotion and she winds up looking like the Joker, instead, due to what appears to be six figures worth of fillers and plastic surgery. Take a shot any time Che mentions being gay. Well, everyone is now passed out cold in piles of their own vomit, and the show is only 10 minutes in!
I kid, but I'm trying to save you. JUST. DON'T. It's not even worth it for nostalgia's sake.
Beau Is Afraid (2023)
Idea Theft Sucks. Do something ORIGINAL Ari.
I hope that Ari Aster fully understands that he broke no mold with this film - despite its absurdness, abstract plot and disturbing scenes. He simply took a walk in the gigantic footsteps made by Michel Gondry, Charlie Kaufman and Spike Jonze. I didn't pick up my phone for 3 hours, I'll give it that.
But, the whole movie I spent struggling with whether I was being too harsh...maybe it's an homage - as I noticed glaring and very trademark styles splashed all over the screen. An homage is one thing, but when your movie is ALL homage, that's not your movie is it, Ari?
Then I got to the part where he BLATANTLY steals an entire segment from one of my favorite movies of all time (Defending Your Life) and when I say stole I mean STOLE. I realized I'd been right from the start.
Then, I realized that this is the Ari Aster who made Wicker Man.
....I mean - Midsommar.
Passengers (2016)
One of the worst movies I've ever seen
I'm not going to leave spoilers. The plot is BAD. The decisions the characters make are BAD. The ending is BAD. The acting is BAD.
I cannot believe the people who are rating this as an amazing sci-fi movie, because it is clear they've never actually seen a good sci-fi movie. I feel awful for them.
Ugh. Wish I could unsee it.
Grey's Anatomy: Leave a Light On (2020)
Shame. Shame. Shame.
There's no denying that the show has gotten progressively more ridiculous and, well, just awful, let's be honest. But, this? You should be ashamed. What a disrespectful thing to do to such a beloved character. It made no sense, and reversed ALL of the good that Alex gained over the years.
What a pity. What a shame.
The Wedding Planner (2001)
Wasn't that bad...
I think this movie got a bad rap. I guess if you go into a romantic comedy starring J.Lo expecting brilliance you deserve some disappointment.
There isn't much to this movie. Jennifer Lopez is (guess what?) a wedding planner. She falls in love with Matthew McConaughey (the groom) of the big wedding she is putting on, and hilarity ensues. Ok, maybe not hilarity, but I did really laugh out loud a few times. There's good chemistry between J. Lo and Matthew McConaughey, which probably turned a few lackluster scenes into something I enjoyed. The old movie on the lawn scene was nice, and McConaughey is charming.
There aren't any spoilers I can throw at you, because, well, if you can't figure out how this movie ends before you pop the tape in the VCR then you don't see a lot of movies. There isn't much original here, but if you're looking to toss back a few beers, look at some beautiful people, and not have to think too hard, this is your movie.
Worth a look!
Cast Away (2000)
Just Alright.
I was very excited to see this movie. I cursed people at BlockBuster for getting the last copy, and I harassed the clerks there by phone and in person. I expected an amazing movie, one which would leave me satisfied and content. And while I didn't hate this movie, I was left very disappointed, and not at all content.
This movie was a Tom Hanks movie. And, I don't mean he was the leading man, I mean, if you don't like Tom Hanks (my boyfriend doesn't), don't see this movie.
Tom Hanks is an amazing actor, and he shows it in this film. A very many scenes took place without dialogue, and he carries it off by displaying his feelings in facial expression and body language. This part of the film impressed me greatly. However, the plotline once Hanks is saved from the island really left something to be desired. Without giving too much away, I will say that the story seemed to become very tense and not at all what most of the viewers I've spoken to wanted from it. A movie of this magnitude should carry with it a great ending. An ending which makes the whole of the movie make sense, and injects the whole project with meaning and resolve. Instead, I felt the ending to this was weak. I kept saying to myself, "Don't fade to black, don't fade to black". It faded to black.
I just think it could have been done better.