This game has picked up loads of awards for it's graphics recently, and it's not hard to see why. Even on a medium-spec PC, it looks pretty amazing, with excellent lighting effects, decent character animation and impressive level design (my favourite being the secret Nazi airbase). But where id have pulled out all the stops for the visuals, it seems that they gave the writing team a day off for this game. I gave up caring about the plot after first running into the zombies (which were v.cool), as it wandered between Indiana Jones-esque fantasy, with eerie pagan rituals and undead hi-jinx, and more realistic Hidden & Dangerous style missions, such as capturing the experimental plane and picking your way through the rubble of a bombed out factory. In fact, I wish they'd have put more thought into the overall plot, as the fantasy elements of the game are rather weak and let the side down a little. Sure, the first time you bump into the Uber-Soldat's, you can't help jump in shock, and the excellent 'Lopers' add a real horror feeling to one of the missions, but they aren't used enough, and the level designers seem content to pop them in as mid-level bosses after their initial appearance. Then we go back to running around mansions, shooting plain old Nazi's. Why? Why not more freaky creatures? Why not a more involving plot? Castle Wolfenstein itself is little more than a bit part in this game. It's a shame to see such a well known license squandered on what is little more than an exercise in programming. The end of the game seems to tail off, with more and more empty levels dotted with the occasional enemy. And as for the final boss? Well, it's like id are stuck feet-first in 1994. I'm hoping some decent mission packs surface for RTCW, as the one-player game provides little sustenance for the likes of me. To be fair, I'm just disappointed that they didn't have Cyber-Hitler make a return! Oh, and the multiplayer game is fantastic. Simple as that. Taking part in a 32-a-side war with airstrikes, artillery barrages and flamethrowers. This IS war. Get it right next time id, and stop employing 6th formers to write your plots...
Reviews
32 Reviews
Grand Theft Auto III
(2001 Video Game)
Immoral enough to be fun
24 July 2002
I haven't heard anyone say a bad word about this game, which says something about gamesplayers in general. GTA3 is hailed as the most violent game ever, and to be fair, it is pretty shocking. But whereas this game will be demonised by some American moral group for 'inciting high-school shootings' or something, it is done with it's tongue firmly in it's cheek. The plot is a sort of crime-drama fayre, where you play a goon-for-hire, doing all kinds of illegal activity for various gangs, indulging in plenty of driving and shooting on the way. People here go on about how great the plot is, but it's no Scorcese. And people call it 'ground-breaking'. Well, the first GTA deserved that epithet, this one just looks nicer. But don't get me wrong; it's a lot of fun. In fact GTA3 is a rare breed of game where doing nothing is half the fun. Shooting gangsters, stealing cars, fleeing the police, all part of the action and always impressive. I'm sure Rockstar had allusions of this being some great social commentary about violence in movies or something, but really it's just an excuse to allow players to beat old ladies to death with a baseball bat. The most impressive thing about GTA3 is the city itself. It's really clever, with everything you'd expect to find an American city; subways, ghettos, affluent downtown areas, hospitals, gun stores, petrol stations, multi-storey car parks, the lot. It's fun to explore Liberty City, trying to to find little secrets or cool places to perform stunts. It's a bit much saying this game is a new benchmark, when it really just fuses together ideas from lots of previous games (Driver being the biggest influence). But it does it so well, it stands up proud on it's own two feet. Bad points? No motorbikes, which is a shame because they'd have worked well in this (unlike the two prequels). That rubbish plane. And it's maybe a little shallow for most gamers, as it relies heavily on it's shock value. But still, you have to a least play it once or in ten years time, everyone will laugh at you.
Medal of Honor: Allied Assault
(2002 Video Game)
Half-and-half
24 July 2002
Now, I'm really into WW2. A lot. I consider it one of the most important events in world history (as do a lot of people), and I am humbled and grateful for the sacrifices given by the millions of people who died for the cause of freedom. Which is why I feel guilty whenever I play the D-Day mission of this game. It is, in effect, an interactive snuff film. A simulated depiction of the actual deaths and horrors that happened many years ago on the beaches of France. All in the name of entertainment. I find it hard to believe a game could charade as a memorial to the war dead, whilst simultaneously providing us with the chance to safely take part in a situation that NO-ONE on this earth should ever have to experience. But, having got the rather immoral taste of the games selling-point out of my mouth, I can go on to praise the rest of it. Doing everything RTCW did not, MOH:AA provides the player with a variety of interesting and varied missions, presented in a professional looking package with enough atmosphere to give you the 1000 yard stare. MOH will have you pricking your ears up one minute, listening for the tell-tale footsteps of a Nazi patrol, and the next you'll be in the back of a jeep trying to shoot Stuka dive-bombers out of the sky. MOH has some fantastic missions, too varied to mention here, all of which provide a great scenario to admire the obvious time and effort that has gone into this game. Good AI, decent graphics (a little hardware-demanding though), a superb music score and lot's of finely crafted details. The way you can work in tandem with other computer-controlled characters adds a lot of feeling to this game, as you sneak about ruined towns, watching for snipers. All of the missions are moderately realistic, with a hint of action-film thrown in for good measure. A few faults can prove annoying, the main one being the die-and-retry nature of some of the missions (especially those sniper ones) but, to be fair, this is war and you don't get second chances with a bullet. I like this game a lot, and it pains me that the D-Day mission was so callously added. EA have removed the gore in this game as a mark of respect, and then preceded to lift the opening scene from Saving Private Ryan lock, stock and barrel into the game. It doesn't even fit into the plot; you're supposed to be some kind of Special Op's. Why would they send a special unit onto the beach head? You're too valuable. Still, this is only a personal niggle about an otherwise great game. The multiplayer is *ok*, but it shoots itself in the foot by trying to be realistic, when it really wants to be Wolfenstein. But that's what mods are for.
Shrek
(2001)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!
12 June 2002
This is the worst film I've ever seen. There, I said it. I don't know why exactly I hate it so much. I like to think it's because after being hyped up for so long from across the pond, in the newspapers, on TV, crisp packets, toilet rolls etc, it turned out to be the unfunniest thing since impotence. IT IS DIRE. I never laughed once, and my skin hurt from the amount of cringing I was doing. John Lasseter and his Pixar team must have watched this film open-mouthed in horror as Shrek was uttered in the same sentence as Toy Story. I know I did. Shrek is lame in every respect, be it the obvious gags that I could see coming from across the horizon, Mike Myers' half-Scottish/half-something accent or the flat, lifeless, rendered-in-a-hurry graphics that Pixar wouldn't use on their mobile phones. It's difficult to understand how anyone could enjoy this tripe, and don't get me started on the recent Oscar victory... Excuses may be made, but I don't think that there's a valid one for sloppy scriptwriting and half-baked animation being bulked up with a few celebrities and a LOT of money. Kids like it: do they? Kids like lots of things, including bullying, picking their noses and soiling their underwear, so that doesn't make this a good film. And it did well at the box-office, which means it must be good: a third of the world is Communist - that doesn't make them right though, does it?...
Antitrust
(2001)
Bane of the 90's
22 April 2002
Teen flicks they call them. I turned 13 in the 90's, and I inevitably phased out of my teens in the 00's. So these films are aimed at me, right? Wrong. I think every 'slasher-flick', 'road movie' and all other patronising stereotype film-brands are awful, and an insult to the intelligence of me and a good deal of my friends. This is a classic example. Antitrust really doesn't know who it's aiming itself at, which is why it comes across as half-baked and anodyne. Attempting to marry a conspiracy thriller with an easy to swallow film, makes for a format that ultimately pleases no-one. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a snob. Hollywood is in the industry of entertainment, and if turning out safe films with good-looking actors makes them money, fair enough. If Hollywood went bust, arthouse films wouldn't even bother. But pick a lane, Goddamnit! Putting pretty boy Ryan Phillippe in the lead is an obvious money grabber, but then trying to make witty observations of the software market will go right over the head of the average viewer. Saying that, the technical details of this film are moderately accurate, unlike (cough,cough) Swordfish. My girlfriend lent me the DVD, and she bought it, and I quote, "Because it's got Ryan Phillippe in, so I don't care". Eye-candy at best, I only bothered watching it because of Tim Robbins. A rent paying film, as some actors might say.
Legend
(1985)
Saved by make-up
4 February 2001
I don't think this film is very good. It is dogged by cheesy, over-sentimental fantasy that tthe Americans excel in (even though it's a British film), and all those pixie things are really quite ugly. But I would buy this film if I saw it at a car-boot sale, for one reason. The character Darkness. Played by Tim Curry, he is the finest example of make-up transformation I think I've ever witnessed. He looks like he's wandered out of Hell and straight onto the set. Those reptile eyes, over-sized horns, hairy arms and legs, cloven feet, blood-red skin. Run in fear, Tim Curry is here! Otherwise, this is tosh.
Soulcalibur
(1998 Video Game)
The Legend Will Never Die
24 November 2000
I bought a Dreamcast just so I could play this, such is my belief that it is one of the finest software lines that Namco have. I had never played Soul Calibur in my life, but knowing full well that Soul Blade STILL IS one of the best beat-em-ups about, I knew I could not go wrong. And after spending £200 just to play it, did I feel cheated? OF COURSE NOT. This game has never failed to impress anyone who plays it, and everytime I load it up, I still can't believe how much detail and effort is packed into it. The graphics, music score, characters, artwork, control system, moves, extra features, EVERYTHING is so perfectly crafted, it makes me shudder when people place Tekken above this. If it was just style over content, I could understand it. But this game has everything, and it has in truckloads. If you only ever buy one beat-em-up, for God's sake buy this.
Final Fantasy VII
(1997 Video Game)
Aargh! My house is on fire!
7 November 2000
I didn't buy this game when it came out in Britain, but my friend did. And I'll tell you what, not a day went by when I wasn't jealous. It had rocktastic (sorry) MIDI music, brilliant turn-based battle sequences, and from what I could see, a darn good plot. Well, time wandered by, and eventually he let me borrow the game. And i can safely say I wasn't disappointed. A cracking plot, a novel format (for this country at least) and mighty good characters. you'll get all these hardcore fans saying "it's not the best in the series." But I haven't played the others, so I don't care. A brilliant game in it's own right, and still rollocking good fun all these years later. Huzzah!
The Dam Busters
(1955)
Tally-Ho!(etc.)
30 October 2000
By God, this is as definitive as a war film gets. It's on every year, and is as much a part of Christmas as getting drunk and Monopoly. Everyone in this Sceptred isle knows the theme to Dam Busters, and it causes more people to stand up and salute than God Save The Queen. It has moustachioed R.A.F boys, politely bespectacled scientists, laughable special effects, and an entirely predictable ending. It's a British institution, and I don't know where we'd be without it. You can keep your devolution and your New Labour, I've got Dam Busters and I'm not bloody budging.
The Thirteenth Floor
(1999)
Go Vince, Go!
26 October 2000
Apart from really, really, really ripping off 'Dark City', this film provide a decent evenings entertainment. Vince D'onofrio is my humorous stunt double, so the film went up a point there, and the familiar plot meant that far from saying "Rip-Off", I thoroughly enjoyed the proceedings. it's always good to see a good, low-budget film, because it gives me aspirations to writing my own. Vince was in a Stan Kubrick film, so I always cry when I see him not making loads of money (although he was in 'The Cell'). But, I digress. i'm drunk, and I was drunk when I watched this. But at least it's better than 'Cube'. (Shakes head in disgust...).
Eight Days a Week
(I) (1997)
Not bad at all
25 October 2000
This is the kind of film I would like to make. Obviously it's not a big budget, it's simple, it appeals to teenagers (who just love the cult following thing) and it's quite funny as well. The sex-mad bloke (I forget his name) is virtually a carbon-copy of all my friends, and the main character is annoyingly romantic, but he thinks into things (which I admire)and does a fine job of narrating. Someone else put this in the same category as 'Clerks', and I have to agree. It's not as crass as 'Clerks', but it's the kind of film that forms the basis of a good conversation at the pub. I wouldn't even call it a romantic comedy, 'cos it's not soppy enough (thank god). It's charm is a little less now that I'm older, but i have fond memories of watching this and thinking "That's me!"
Shoes
(1916)
Another odd film
4 October 2000
I liked this film, despite it's crippling age and obviously lame acting. For starters, it's called Shoes, and that's reason enough to recommend any film. It's quite a heartwarming tale too, and even my tattooed heart of lead melted a bit at it's touching scenes. A remake of this would be worryingly irrelevant now, as shoes aren't such a luxury purchase nowadays, but with a bit of reworking, this early classic could easily rake in money for some feckless student layabout.
Hollow Man
(2000)
DON'T READ THAT, READ THIS!
2 October 2000
There's little point on me commenting on this film, as I'm just going to say EXACTLY what everyone else who's seen this film will say. But here goes: Hollow Man has cracking special effects, which is a refreshing change after the glut of sub-standard CGI I've been forced to watch in the past 5 years. The first, ooh, three-quarters of the film is good, and despite making me feel sick (and I can drink 12 cans of Carlsberg), it was witty, interesting and well paced. BUT, then just when you think it's over, it flies off the ludicrous scale. In fact, it might have well been directed by a chimp in the last half-hour. WHAT!? It goes so silly, it renders all the film before that utterly, utterly pointless. If there was some kind of video edit, where the ending was where it was supposed to be, this would get a respectable 8. But it isn't, so it doesn't. Shame on you Paul...
Cube
(1997)
Not worth my precious time
2 October 2000
Why is this rated so highly by other users? It sucks with a vengeance. I have to admit at being intrigued by the trailer, because films with twists always amuse me. But after leaving the room several times due to a) acting that wouldn't look amiss in an Ikea catalogue and b) special effects that wouldn't look amiss on an episode of Ren & Stimpy, I was merely appalled by every other aspect of the film. The laughable mathematical knowledge of the "hero" was stupid, all the other characters didn't even go through the sane/insane stage, they just went mad from the off. I can't spoil the ending, but that sucks as well. Maybe I'm missing something. I'm an intelligent, erudite man who can think rationally and enjoy a film for it's thought-provoking content, but "Cube" reeked of wee.
Jurassic Park
(1993)
Bloody good film
2 October 2000
Considering this film is now 7 years old, it has aged incredibly well. It still impresses youngsters and grannies alike, and more importantly, it still impresses me. Disregarding the book (which seems to be the only book anyone has ever read), the plot about meddling with nature seems more relevant now than it ever did. Admittedly, the film isn't very well paced, with whopping areas where the only object of fascination is Sam Neill's face, but the now-famous T-Rex chase and bit-with-raptors are both landmarks of cinema and a little bit pant soiling. When this film was released, films that were 7 years old then looked rubbish (apart from Aliens of course), so we should praise J.P and shower it with rose petals. Huzzah!
Aliens
(1986)
James Cameron would be my celebrity dad
2 October 2000
I've skirted around the subject of doing a comment for Aliens for two reasons. 1) Because this film is so darn popular, no one would ever read it, and 2) Nothing I can say will do this film justice. It's as simple as this: Aliens IS and always will be the finest example of an action film, a sci-fi film or a horror film anyone on this earth (or the next) will EVER see. At 14 years old (and counting) this cinematic masterpiece is every bit as impressive, scary and mind-blowing as it was when it premiered. The rich personality of every character is just as important to Cameron as making someone get cut in half look realistic, and THAT's what makes this film so good. The Colonial Marines come across as gung-ho idiots alright, but we see them get scared, see paranoia creep over them, see real humanity in a survival situation. And then we see an 8 minute long action-sequence with acid, grenades and copious swearing. Could any other film claim to blend such rich character development with such rich character dismemberment? NO. And that's why Aliens is a one-off, a film that cannot be topped and needn't be topped. From every infinitely quotable line, to every moment that makes you jump, this film does nothing but make the hairs on the back of your neck tingle with excitement. I watch this film lots, and I never tire of any part of it. There, I've done it. I've poured my heart out on to the screen. God Bless Aliens, and all who watch her.
Fist of the North Star
(1986)
Wa-tah!
30 August 2000
This is the most brainless anime I've seen this side of Urotsukidoji:Legend of The Overfiend. Skulls and brain fly as Kenshiro thwacks his way through a Mad Max-esque world, looking for his beloved wife/bird. Considering 90% of the male populace all wish they could do kung-fu, it's hard to see how they could not like this film. Stupidly proportioned bad guys pop as Ken kicks, punches and jabs them all into oblivion. It's a little disturbing to be honest, and perhaps pessimistic of human nature. But I don't care. Ken makes the finest combat noise in the world (Yeeeeyadadadada!) and everyone else sports amusingly gruff "thug" voices. The artwork is rough around the edges, but at least it's not as bad as the T.V series. A bit of a Japanese institution, I'm lead to believe, Fist Of The North Star is top-drawer stuff, and can easily sit next to all those copies of "Enter the Dragon" and "Monkey".
Wicked City
(1987)
I want that gun!
30 August 2000
I wouldn't profess to be an anime "fan". I certainly watch it, and own a few British released videos, but I don't go to conventions or run down to Forbidden Planet every week looking for the latest import. The reason? Cultural differences mean a lot of high-end anime is perhaps confusing and a little boring for us westerners (see Akira and Ghost in the Shell). But not Wicked City. Just like Ninja Scroll, this dispenses with theological and spiritual issues in favour of gore, guns and shagging. Written and directed by the same guy, this is similar to Ninja Scroll, with the same superhuman themes and forbidden love interest. And I love it. Call me shallow, but I've been brought up on a diet of in-yer-face culture, and the Japanese prevalence to dwell on life and self-worth don't interest me in the slightest, at least not when I watch videos. Wicked City has the meanest gun IN THE WORLD, an amusing old man (a trademark of the director I fear) and people in smart black suits. O.K, the final battle is classically confusing, but not a day goes by when I don't yell "Fu**ing monsters!" at the top of my voice. An utterly enjoyable romp, and one that's always a pleasure to watch on the Sci-Fi Channel.
Withnail & I
(1987)
I DEMAND TO HAVE SOME BOOZE!
30 August 2000
No, really, I do. I haven't had a beer for, ooooh, hours. But the film. Very funny, very funny indeed sir. It relies on that bastion of British comedy, swearing and being a degenerate (see Four Weddings & A Funeral. Or better still, don't). Richard E.Grant swans about the place boozing, losing and abusing (I'm here all week) and the films trundles about a bit until it ends. What's it about? Don't ask me, I just work here. The scenes with Ralph Brown will make anyone who's seen Wayne's World 2 go "Oh him!". Not only is Withnail & I a funny film, it is a serious film, a sad film and the basis for a fantastic drinking game. I suggest you watch it and then quote lines from it to your friends, because believe me, they will laugh. *DISCLAIMER* Quoting lines from comedies is no substitute for actually being witty.
Independence Day
(1996)
Oh dear
29 August 2000
I watched this film at the flicks when it came out and I was among the S.O.B's who "ooh'd" and "aaah'd". Yet, I watched it on video the other day and was PHYSICALLY APPALLED at how such a badly edited, scripted and directed film could have made £10, let alone the million odd it did rake in. What!? The special effects are, on closer inspection, laughable. The script was penned by my mum and the acting more wooden than an Ikea patio set. Gah! I cringed all the way through it, half because it was so rubbish and half because I once thought it was okay. On the upside, it has some Northrop Grumann B2-B "Spirits" in it, and even though the bombs they used weren't held by clamps (yes, they floated out of the bay doors) it was enough to warrant me giving the film a five. But that's the only reason.
Labyrinth
(1986)
Bowie is God
29 August 2000
Labyrinth is an example of a film that can never be copied, bettered or remade. Jim Henson (R.I.P) was the master of puppetry and fantasy, and anyone who disputes that fact is a fool. I don't know anyone who doesn't like this film, and damn right too. Whether they admire it for it's charm, whether it evokes premature nostalgia, or because they love it, it is respected and oft talked about. So what if we're all 20 year old's with nothing better to do than get pi**ed down the pub and hare about in race-tuned Fiestas? This film is great anytime, be it a drunken binge, or a night in on your own. Funny, fashionable, well-made, I cannot fault this film. Dave is in fine form as the Goblin King, and he sports a thrillback eighties hair-do to boot. Jesus, I'm going to watch it again, right now.
Ninja Scroll
(1993)
Possibly the Finest Animated Film Ever Made
16 June 2000
Whilst animated films can often be impressive, they lack the realism generated only by live-action. This tends to leave fans of the film thinking "If only they made it with proper actors." But not Ninja Scroll. This tour-de-force of anime is without a doubt in my personal Top Ten of films. It does not try to look "cartoony" or false, it plays on japanimations strengths, namely the ability to make the the unreal look real. Packed with top action, endlessly quotable lines (The way to hell is, RIGHT HERE!), superb characters, and the finest, nay, the best final confrontation in cinema history. This film could be enjoyed by any movie goer, even those that find anime a bit twee. I have watched this film so many times, and it is ALWAYS a pleasure to behold. Ninjas, demons, swordplay, explosions, sex, swearing, punch-ups, jokes, plot-twists. What more can you ask from a film? If you see this anywhere, buy it. And if you don't like it, you're not quite right in the head.
Being John Malkovich
(1999)
John 'No Hair' Malkovich in hilarious expose. With sheep.
27 March 2000
This has got to be the funniest film I've see in a L-O-N-G time. Knowing full well that John Malkovich would feature heavily within the plot I couldn't wait to laugh at his slapheaded exploits. But the sheer amount of freaky goings on was too much. It's not a slapstick film or even a witty comedy, but the sight of J.M going mad because he thinks he's being cursed by "a freaky lesbian witch" is too stupid not to laugh at. The end was not great, and a little bit sad too. But when J.M goes inside his own head and appears in a bizarre restaurant, well, see for yourself. I really didn't want this film to end, because I was intrigued to see what happened next. Perhaps too arty for some (especially all that puppeteering) but always amusing, this is a film I could recommend to ANYBODY with a soul.
Oz
(1997–2003)
The best thing since t.v was BORN
27 March 2000
Britain, home of the television (check the patent people) is also home to a lot of BAD programs. And Oz, which is American, shows that the original is not always the best. despite being on at 1:30 in the morning, I always stay up to watch Oz because it is one of the only two t.v programs that I genuinely enjoy watching anymore. Always compelling, always serious, always brilliant, Oz is the finest piece of American realism I have ever witnessed. It is criminal that the show is put on so late in this country (probably due to it's violent nature) but compared to some of the prime-time rubbish that fills our airwaves, I cannot understand why this isn't on at a more convenient time. The Sopranos used to be on a 10:00 over here, and if Oz was on then, lots more people would get to enjoy this dramatic masterpiece. if ANYONE who likes Oz reads this, let me know, because the stupid airtime makes it a minority program here. Long live Oz.
American Beauty
(1999)
American Spacey
14 March 2000
If the sight of Kevin Spacey MASTURBATING in a shower is YOUR idea of a good film, then this is place to be. Laugh? I actually soiled myself! (several times. And I'd been drinking Guiness the night before) So what does this film say to me. It says "Kill them all. Heathens must burn!" It's my problem and I'll deal with it. Er, there's a freak bloke who films things (like Kevin Spaceys shrivelled Hampton) and an oh-so amusing dehumanised-military-nutbar. Oh! And don't forget that birds nice jugs. If you like this film, then you'll LOVE sex. They're here, so I'd better l... (sound of old man plummetting off cliff. Covered in tin foil)
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