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Babe Camp (2023)
Utterly terrible
This film is so bad that it makes most other films look good just because this film is so much worse. It is not quite the worst film I have ever seen but it's definitely Bottom 10.
The "humour" is the sort of thing 12 year old boys would find immature. The acting from most of the cast is worse than you'd get in a primary school nativity play. The script is so clunky and badly written that you wonder if English is the writer's first language.
I am desperately trying to find something positive to say to end my review on but all I can come up with is that one or two of the cast at least demonstrate that they might be good in other things - but not this one.
Avoid. Seriously. This isn't even "so bad it's good". It's not even "so bad you can show it in Film Studies courses to teach what NOT to do". It's so obviously bad that you wonder what was going through the makers' minds.
I cannot stress this enough: avoid.
Conjuring Curse (2018)
I do not say this lightly and have not said this before in an IMDb review but this is the worst film I've ever seen
This film is atrociously bad. It had the skill of a group of teenagers wno decided to film the first thing they could think over a weekend and then released the result commerically.
There is no technical aptitude on display here. The directing is awful. The writing is atrocious. The acting is below amateurish and the editing is non-existent.
We are treated to an opening that goes on far too long with a woman prowling around some trees trying to look scary for about 5 minutes. That's literally the opening sequence.
From there, it goes down hill. At one point, there is a break for a rocjk song which the band performs in its entireity with a static camera and for a lot of the time they have their backs to the camera. Why?? It makes no sense, is really boring to watch and makes you wonder if the true "horror" of the film is trying to sit through it.
But it gets worse. After the band have been and gone, we're then treated to a rave scene with 4 or 5 new people which alos lasts for a good 5 minutes and then those people leave the movie too.
Who on Earth thought it a good idea to include these segments? Couldn't they figure out how to write some dialogue instead? Couldn't they figure out not to have the lead singer singing with his back to the camera while he just stands there?
Couldn't they figure out how bad this film was?
Utterly terrible. It can't even be used to teach film students What Not To Do as everything it does is obviously the wrong thing to do that everyone in the world could have told the filmmakers not to do it.
Avoid at all costs.
Kingdom of the Dinosaurs (2022)
Good actors in search of a director. Or a script. Or any new ideas.
This is the sort of film that makes you feel sorry for the people in it because the script and direction are really bad. None of the dialogue is written by someone who has ever paid attention to real people talking; none of the plot beats are written by someone who has any original thoughts; none of the ideas are new or even well executed.
It even blatantly steals several times from Jurassic Park but in such stupid ways that it's obvious the film maker has no idea why the moments he's stealing from Jurassic Park worked and his shameless steals do not. The water in the glass trick doesn't work if we already know the great big dinosaur is right there. It's already killed people and we're supposed to be surprised by it being there? Some of the characters who witnessed it a moment ago do now seem to be amazed it's there. Why?! Sudden mass amneisa or bad script?
And why, when a dinosaur starts running towards you, would you stand there for several seconds and watch it get closer? At least one character does because if he made the simple decision to step to his left and shut the door, the whole movie would fall apart.
Avoid. A very bad film.
Pumpkins (2018)
Another example of why low budget horror has a bad reputation
To make a decent horror movie you don't actually need a decent budget. You need a decent script, you need decent actors and - more than anything else - you need a decent talent behind the camera who know how to utilise all the tricks of cinema to generate and maintain suspence, tension, mood, atmosphere and - above all - tension.
Pumpkins has none of these things.
What starts with a set-up that might have worked if played as a comedy but is instead played dead straight, proceeds to follow up the lack of jokes with a lack of anything you want from a horror movie. It doesn't even have a decent ending - it just ends with no sense of resolution or even a final confrontation. Another character gets killed off, many more still alive, we get a few shots of night time roads and then ... it ends. No idea what the heck that was supposed to be - the only thing I can guess at is that they were shooting it in order and then ran out of budget so just stopped.
There isn't a single redeeming feature to this film. Utterly astonishing in quite how bad it is.
If you are looking for low budget horror, everyone involved has made better movies - search out their IMDb profiles and find something better there. Literally anything will do; this is the career low point of everyone involved.
13 Graves (2019)
Well it starts well ...
I watch a lot of low budget films and I usually find myself using my computer or my phone while doing so. However the opening of 13 Graves kept my attention completely and my phone and my laptop went untouched for a good half hour. Then, unfortunately, the plot takes a turn and my attention started to wane. It goes from a crime thriller to some sub-Kill List wannabe and never makes the leap successfully. The tonal shift doesn't work, the narrative becomes boring and film starts to drag.
Such a shame as if they had been able to maintain the opening 30 minutes for another hour then they could have had a great film on their hands. But by trying to be clever, they missed the mark badly.
So 3 stars for the opening 30 minutes and nothing for the rest of the film.
See How They Run (2014)
Sexy naked young women do not make scary demons
I don't care how much an eager actress is jerking her body around, covered in make up and with the camera sped up. If the young lady in question is naked or even just topless then the effect is just humourous.
And that pretty much sums up the entire film. Which, if they hadn't tried to play it straight, might have made for an enjoyable schlocky romp. Instead, you just watch disbelievingly as actresses try to deliver lines like "Oh my gosh, there is nothing up here but trees" with a straight face and then sing a "dare song" at each other when the plot needs one of them to do something stupid but the writers couldn't figure out how else to have them do it.
And as for the ending ... well, this review doesn't contain spoilers but suffice to say the ending is worse than anything I've already covered.
The only thing that stops me from giving this film a 1 is that some of the actresses are really trying very hard. It's just a shame that the rest of the film wasn't worthy of their efforts.
Pool Party Massacre (2017)
One of the worst films I have ever seen.
This is not a film written by someone who has ever heard real people speak naturally. This is not a film acted in by anyone who has ever seen someone act naturally. This is not a film directed by someone who has ever seen real people do ANYTHING naturally.
Lousy dialogue, lazy plotting, indistinguishable characters, tedious pacing, boring murders. I can't think of a single redeeming feature about this film.
It doesn't even have enough sense to make the potential victims likable so the badly filmed murders are for most part a relief as each one kills off another annoying character we no longer have to put up with.
Avoid.
Men in Black: International (2019)
A comedy in desperate search of a joke
I watched this film in a half-full cinema screen and nobody laughed. At all. Not just "none of the people I was with laughed" but there was no laughter from anyone in the whole cinema at any point. The film was so obviously and desperately trying to be funny but it never made it. Without the charisma of Will Smith and his ability to deliver funny lines, the script's flaws were exposed as his replacements just do not have his comedic presence and really need better material than this to get laughs. The action was tepid, the inventiveness was barely there, the humour was utterly absent. Avoid. Let's hope they bring back Will Smith for the next one.
Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019)
It looks great
It looks great, shame about everything else.
The script is bad, I mean cliche ridden bad; both the plot and the dialogue needed a good rewrite to create anything even vaguely satisfactory. Or, if that wasn't going to be possible, large chunks needed removing to include more monster mash action. Too much of the film involves recognisable faces, but very few decent characters, standing around saying bad dialogue. If the dialogue had been good or the characters well crafted, this wouldn't have been so bad. But you're left just twiddling your thumbs for too long waiting for the monsters to come back on screen as they are far more entertaining to watch. And when they do finally appear, they stay around for far too brief a time. Considering this is supposed to be a grand brawl of a movie, the much anticipated CGI smackdowns barely last long enough to enjoy. All that remains are a few striking visuals (every monster likes to pose dramatically) and a sense that things should have been so much better.
Aladdin (2019)
It made me smile
It made me smile. That might not sound very significant but I mean that I was smiling nearly all the way through. Once the film gets going, it is fun, enjoyable, charismatic and has a style close to the original but with just enough differences to stand out. My biggest criticisms are the ending went on longer than was necessary and some of the musical numbers didn't quite have the same oomph as in the original. But they still made me smile and I still got a kick out of them. I won't be buying any home release versions but I'm glad I saw it on the big screen and if I'm channel surfing one day in a few years and stumble across it then I will happily watch it again.
I Kill Giants (2017)
One of the best films I've seen in ages
Firstly, to clear up any misunderstanding that might be generated by some of the negative reviews on this site, yes this film IS Fantasy. It might not be Lord Of The Rings Fantasy but it's Fantasy in the same way that Harvey or even Bubba Ho-Tep are. It takes this real, mundane world we live in and adds one or two fantastical elements on top to tell the story of emotions, love, loss, pain and growth. It is a story of Humanity and it tells its tale with incredible skill and talent from nearly everyone involved - both in front of and behind the camera. So ignore those who are moaning that it wasn't what they wanted (that's not a legitimate criticism of the film but rather the marketing of it), instead watch it as something other than an "action fest" and it is truly brilliant.
Alita: Battle Angel (2019)
The epitome of everything that I think is wrong with modern Hollywood
What starts as "Robocop with a teen girl" turns into "Rollerball" and ends as "Elysium". There isn't anything original with the plot here and the characters are all bland and two dimensional and none of them stand out from any other generic interpretation of the same tropes that we've seen in countless previous blockbusters.
For years, Hollywood blockbusters have been ramping up the special effects and the visuals and sidelining storytelling and characters. And finally we reach the epitome of that style of film making.
No amount of visual pizazz can compensate for bland characters and bland story.
Glass (2019)
The usual "problems" with nearly every M, Night Shyamalan movie ...
The word "problems" is in inverted commas in the title of this review because it's not really a problem per se. It's just that with nearly every M. Night Shyamalan movie, the movie that is advertised is often not the movie that you start watching and is rarely the movie you end up watching just before the credits roll. Things change so much and a lot of people don't like that. Which is not a criticism of them, it's just a matter of personal taste.
But it's well made. It's written well, it's acted well, it's directed well. It just doesn't do what a lot of people thought it would. Which leads to lower scores from some because they wanted something different from what they got. For example, the title character doesn't even speak for the first hour of the film. Those expecting a maniacal mastermind chewing the scenery are going to be disappointed. So of course they'll give it a lower score.
Simply put, this is an M. Night Shyamalan movie. If you saw Unbreakable and Split without too much prior knowledge of what was going to happen beyond the initial premise, you know to expect the same sort of thing from Glass. And what's wrong with that?
The Jurassic Games (2018)
Rubbish
While watching this film, I was debating in my head whether it deserved a 2 or a 3. But then I reached the utterly atrocious ending and now I'm giving it a 1.
Bad writing, bad directing, bad effects. Heck, there's even bad morality. Apparently the makers of this film think it's fine to kill people, just not on television. How else can the behaviour of the "good" guys be excused but that of the "bad" guys is condemned?
A waste of time for all concerned - especially the audience.
Bunnyman (2011)
A great lesson in the importance of knowing your limitations.
It's a curious phenomenon that so many low budget movie makers are attracted to the horror genre when it is actually one of the hardest genres to do with no budget - and this film shows you why.
Near the start of the film, a truck repeatedly rams a car while both are traveling along a road. But we never see it because that's dangerous to film and is expensive to do safely so it happens off screen.
Later, a character is ripped in half. But we never see it because that's dangerous to film and is expensive to do safely so it happens off screen.
Later, a character is killed by being squashed. But we never see it because that's dangerous to film and is expensive to do safely so it happens off screen.
Later, a character is killed with a chainsaw. But we never see it because that's dangerous to film and is expensive to do safely so it happens off screen.
Later, a character climbs a tree to try and get to safety so the killer chops the tree down. But we never see it because that's dangerous to film and is expensive to do safely so it happens off screen.
And so on.
One bit later on clearly involves a character holding a chainsaw OVER another character's stomach while blood splatters on the wall. Given that the chainsaw is clearly not making contact, where is the blood coming from?
If so many moments in your script are too expensive to clearly show on screen then you should rewrite the script and take them out. The occasional thing happening just out of shot can work in the right circumstances or if you've got other things going on; but if you're making a slasher/killer film and the whole point of the film is the slashing/killing but all the slashing/killing happens off screen, that's like making a comedy but only giving the audience the set up to the jokes and never the punchline.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The punchline can't be seen in this review.
Zombie Women of Satan (2009)
The Comic Timing Is Missing
When it comes to reviewing and voting on small budget movies, I tend to be more generous with my views than if I was dealing with a big budget movie. After all, a big studio production has the cash to make sure they get everything right but a small production rarely has that privilege. For example, a lot of the violence in this movie happens just out of shot. Weapon impacts are just out of frame and then we see the aftermath. This I don't have a problem with as it's hard to do lots of fake impacts realistically and safely. So putting it just out of view makes sense. But despite all the limitations of the budget it is clear that there is still some other problems with this film. The biggest of which is the comedy. The script does contain some decent jokes and one liners but due to some really bad editing and directing - and in one or two cases, some bad performances - most of the humour is completely butchered. If the joke isn't entirely delivered in one take then the editing room is where the timing can be refined until the humour works. But that clearly hasn't been the case in the making of this film. Instead the editing has tried it's best to squeeze every moment of hilarity out of each even vaguely amusing moment and such an attempt kills the humour dead. Several times while watching this film I could see that a joke would have looked great in the script but due to the performances and post production work, the joke just doesn't work on film. But to the fair to the editor and directors, some of the jokes in this film are also ruined by bad performances. There is at least one major cast member who gives a performance worthy of a school nativity play and at least one other who comes close. Which is a shame because some of the other actors and actresses are really good. They've just been let down by some of their cast mates and poor post production work.
If you're looking for a funny comedy, don't see this film. If you're looking for violence, don't see this film. If you're looking for gore or are interested in how *not* to edit humour or like films where afterwards you can say "damn, if they'd had a bigger budget...", then see this film.
The Island (2005)
It starts well ...
It starts well but then, around the 40 minutes mark, starts going rapidly downhill and doesn't recover.
The opening is promising enough - if a little derivative - and it tries to pose some interesting questions about what is going on. But when it finally answers those questions it poses many more interesting ethical and moral questions ... and then ignores them all for the rest of the movie in favour of increasingly over the top action sequences. The film tries to convince you that it has deep questions about the ethics of science and the morality of slavery. And to be fair, it does have these questions - although they are very muddled and never really stated - but what it does not have is any answers. At all. It can't even answer several large plot holes, including some of the dumbest security guards ever committed to celluloid.
So all that remains, as the plot gets off the ride at forty minutes and tells the rest of the movie to carry on without it, are the action sequences. None of which are thrilling or exciting, most of which are derivative, and at least one of which is ... wait, this is a Micheal Bay film. That's the best way to sum up the action sequences; it's Michael Bay. If you like his action movies, my advice is to fast forward the first forty minutes and then start watching for some average action but no thrills. If you're looking for a movie with smarts, or with a plot, or even a movie that fakes them, look elsewhere.
Cleopatra (1963)
Interminably long
Wikipedia tries to contain a plot summary of every film it has an article about. The various editors of that site have to battle hard to get most plot summaries down to a manageable level. However, it speaks volumes about this film that its plot summary on Wikipedia is quite short (in comparison to most other films) and yet misses out absolutely nothing of the film.
Far too long. Far too full of itself. Full of so much padding that what little plot there is gets drowned out by yet another posturing rambling speech that goes nowhere. The actors and actresses try to make a memorable speech in each scene but this just serves to render none of them special or standout. Which is a criticism that can be levelled at the rest of the film - in an effort to make each shot special, each piece of scenery remarkable, each new dress worn by Elizabeth Taylor to be more fantastical than the last ... well, it's a rare film that tries to outdo itself with every scene. It just culminates in hysterics and histrionics.
The Passion of the Christ (2004)
Viewed as a movie and nothing more, there is nothing to recommend this voyeuristic sadism
I really don't see what all the fuss is about.
I'm not commenting on the religious connections, I'm not commenting on The Bible, I'm not commenting on Jesus Christ as a man or God. I am commenting solely on the film The Passion Of The Christ. And it is boring.
The torture scenes are far too long and gratuitously gory, bordering on voyeuristic sadism. A lot of the supporting actors are given nothing to do but stand around and cackle in melodramatic fashion. It resorts to stereotypes more often than it needs to - notice how the only ugly people in the movie are all "bad guys". And the plot, if it can be called that, is nothing but the titular character's bloody and painful torture and subsequent death.
If it weren't the story of Jesus this film would be condemned from all quarters for its gratuitous gore and melodramatic wailing from the supporting cast. There is nothing to recommend this film beyond what the audience brings in with them.