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Reviews
Hard Time: Hostage Hotel (1999)
The most horriblist, most funniest, and most greatest movie of all time.
There is nothing better than seeing Burt Reynolds as an action star. This is the straight-to-video/straight-to-television film that premiered on and was made by TNT (Turner Network Television). The story is about a candidate for congress whose speech at a congressional convention is ruined because a Vietnam vet has set-off grenades inside the ritzy hotel in which it is all taking place. The villain kidnaps the congressman's wife and daughter, and holds them hostage inside, while Burt Reynolds long time partner tries to save them, but ends up a hostage himself. Now it is up to Logan McQueen (Reynolds) to come to the rescue and save everybody inside, including his partner (now it's personal). The story is okay, the acting is good, but it all ends up being the funniest movie of all time because not only does Jefferson from "Married With Children" make an appearance, but we get to sit for 90 minutes and watch Burt Reynolds make the funniest faces ever! This is a cool film and could rank as one of the most horriblist, most funniest, and most greatest film of all time!
Dirty Work (1998)
Note to self: I bet all people who hated this movie probably think good comedy are episodes of "Dharma and Greg" and "The Drew Carey Show"
One thing I will never understand about the film world is why the best comedies are never appreciated. I thought this movie was one of the best comedies I've seen in awhile - don't you all get bored of seeing Jim Carrey star in every comedy? Norm MacDonald was great, and for the first time, I was impressed with Bob Saget as he pulled through with one hell of a directorial debut. The cameo appearances by Chris Farley, Chevy Chase, Jack Warden (Pops), Christopher McDonald (Travis Cole, a.k.a. "Shooter McGavin"), Gary Coleman, and Adam Sandler are the greatest - this is one comedy that can EASILY go down in the record books with "Tommy Boy," "Billy Madison," and "Black Sheep." This is what comedy is and should be all about. To all those who hated this masterpiece: go watch episodes of "Will and Grace," maybe you'll be more satisfied.
Lik wong (1991)
If only more stories could be like this one...
Never since films like Peter Jackson's "Braindead," Olaf Ittenbach's "Premutos - Der Gefallene Engel," and Oliver Stone's "Natural Born Killers: The Director's Cut," have I seen a film to bring out such an innovative and creative storyline filled with buckets of gore and violence. While "Story of Ricky" may not have you knee deep in guts like "Braindead" or "Premutos," it still comes extreme and full brutal. The story is about young Ricky who is sent to prison for murdering his girlfriend's drug dealer, once his girlfriend commits suicide due to being overdosed. Once Ricky gets to prison, he witnesses first hand how corrupt the government has become (even something as simple as parking lots have become franchised businesses), as prison guards and wardens are even breaking the law by selling drugs and working with prisoners. The innocent prisoners are constantly being picked on by the "Gang of 4," leaders of the North, South, East, and West cells. Once Ricky sees this type of abuse going on, he begins to terrorize the Gang of 4 with his super human strength (you know, the usual "punching through people's bodies," "swinging at a person and breaking them in half," etc.). From then on, the gore is non-stop as Ricky is constantly tortured by the assistant warden and the main warden. Ricky does all he can to stand up for the prisoners, but in the end, it all comes down to one of most funny, bizarre, original, and bloodiest showdowns since Peter Jackson's unbelievable lawnmower scene in "Braindead." It's "Enter the Dragon" meets "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" folks! UnratedX
The Return of the Living Dead (1985)
These zombies keep returning to life over an over again!
This is definitely one of the spookiest horror flicks of the '80s! The gore-effects were a little corny, the acting was cool, but I was more than impressed with the storyline that was followed with this hit. Two men accidentally pop open a tank that contains a corpse inside, preserved by a poisonous toxic chemical which has the ability to bring the dead back to life. After the men are infected with the germ, they cause one hell of a thunderstorm of acid rain, bringing the bodies of a nearby cemetery back to life. Now the nearly indestructible zombies are alive, hungry, and a little cranky and they're after everybody who has "brains." The creativity and witty punch-lines that were given to these characters along with one hell of a scary storyline equals a classic...Return of the Living Dead. UnratedX
Frozen Scream (1975)
This movie pretty much melted from the get-go.
I've seen a lot of gore/horror movies in my day, and it doesn't take much of something to make a film of this genre any good. In Frozen Scream, the audience gets nothing in return but maybe a good nap. I really don't know where to start as far as the quality of the movie goes, taking into account that it is old and low-budget. From what I can gather (due to horrible character development), the film is about scientists who create some mind-altering chip that brings the dead back to life, presumably as zombies, but I've never seen zombies stalk people outside their homes, call people up on the phone and haunt them, or wearing hoods while running around chasing people. Overall, the ending is far from good, the acting is atrocious, the gore scenes are unbelievably phony, the sound effects can easily be imitated in your own home kitchen, and the music becomes very annoying (due to non-stop repetition). I'm sorry, but the only thing that could have saved this movie from being horrible was a lawnmower scene or something (if you true gore fans know what I'm talking about!). UnratedX
Martin Lawrence: You So Crazy (1994)
"You So Crazy" is so funny!
Man, when you thought that stand up comedy could only be so funny, then this movie comes along! My God, this has to be one of the funniest stand up comedy movies around! Martin Lawrence does an excellent job keeping his audience laughing out of their seats with his combined mixture of racy jokes, including prison jokes (you know how those go...dropping the soap, etc.), racism, sex, and relationships. And boy, Lawrence holds-no-bars as he goes all out and is totally RAW and UNCENSORED (as you can tell because of the NC-17 rating). If you're chillin with a bunch of friends and you're looking to laugh your ass off, then this one will definitely do it for you. Check it out, but don't expect Blockbuster or Hollywood video to carry this 'bad boy'.
Goremet, Zombie Chef from Hell (1986)
This movie isn't any better than the title.
I've only got two words to adequately describe this movie, "Low Budget!" Distributed by CAMP VIDEO (another cheap and unknown low budget company), this nearly horrible film is about a man named Goza, who is a member of a brotherhood back in the B.C. era, and after assassinating a high priest, he's cursed to live the rest of his life as a mortal, with his servant, Blozar, serving the community with his bar/deli restaurant where his sauces are secret and where dining out can be a permanent experience. In order to keep on living, Goza and Blozar must drink the blood and eat the flesh of the living. The movie is filmed cheaply (looks like it was shot very poorly with a cam-corder) and the acting sucks. The gore effects are not exactly the best, but the film does have its moments. If you're a fan of horror, gore, and extremely rare films of this genre, then this movie could be worth a look, if you can find it anywhere. UnratedX
Carnosaur 3: Primal Species (1996)
Just as bad as the others.
Okay, I remember watching the first one, and boy did it suck. After watching it, I just laughed it off and told myself, "oh boy, just another low budget B-movie. I'll never see a part 2 to this one." Then, about 1 1/2 years later, there came part two. It sucked even more. But, I just laughed it off again and said, "there's no way I'm ever gonna see a part 3 to this one." Then, about 1/2 a year later, part 3 came out. I was stupid enough to rent it and boy, I just snapped after watching it. God, I never actually realized how much movies can suck these days. Just save yourself $7.50 and don't rent the whole series. Trust me, it's worth every penny.
Carnosaur 2 (1995)
These guys should just quit while they're ahead.
The deadly dinosaurs are back for revenge, and everything sucks twice as bad as before. This one still has cheap special effects, cheap acting, and cheap everything else. If you see this one sitting on the counter of your local video store, just do yourself and I a favor and ignore it.
Carnosaur (1993)
This is a Jurassic Park rip-off.
Cheap dinosaurs and so called "special effects" is all you're gonna get in this cheap, low-budget, wannabe Jurassic Park campy B-flick. The plot has enough potential to be gory, even possible for an UNRATED release, but it stays clean, boring, and dull, and tries to amaze us with their low-budget special effects..."and boy was I amazed!!!" --- then I woke up. Trust me, don't waste $2.50 like I did to rent this piece of crap, because it'll most likely waste your time more than it did mine. If for some strange reason you can't help but rent it, God have mercy on your soul!
Violent Shit II (1992)
This is the most sickening, most repulsive, and most violently disgusting movies ever!!!
Boy, I've seen some really violent and bloody movies in my time, but none quite like this. This may not rank as the goriest movie ever made (even though it is extremely bloody and gruesome), but it definitely qualifies as the most disgusting in this genre. The movie is about a retarded mama's boy who is raised by his perverted mother, thinking that killing people is okay, especially since his father was killed (Violent Shit 1). When he finally becomes old enough and big enough to start a murder rampage, his mother brainwashes him to murder every person who enters their domain (the woods) to avenge daddy's death. In order to satisfy his dear mum, not just sexually, but mentally, he kills his victims in EXTREMELY GRUESOME AND VILE METHODS, some of which I never thought I'd see on film. These killings are so graphic and sick that I can't even mention them here!!! Either way you put it, after viewing this horrific film, I came to the conclusion that director Andreas Schnaas definitely needs psychiatric help because a person has to be "not normal" to think of a sickening movie like this. I definitely don't recommend this movie to the faint of heart, kids, or to people who are upset at the sight of death. This one is just too sick to be funny. UnratedX
Zombie '90: Extreme Pestilence (1991)
Boy, this movie is as low as any horror film can get.
Man, I've never seen a movie so unbelievably and extremely disgusting since who knows when. This has to rank as the ALL-TIME MOST DISGUSTING FILM EVER MADE IN MOVIE HISTORY, as well as the funniest. The gore, the killing, the acting, and the atrocious dubbing into English is incredibly horrible. The dubbing is so cheap that you'll see a nerdy looking doctor with the voice of a 70's pimp. The movie is about a military airplane carrying untested toxic chemicals that crashes into the forest, starting a brand new disease ("The Extreme Pestilence"), turning people into hideous looking zombies who'll eat any body part, sex organ or not, and internal organ they can get their hands on. The tagline says it all, "Guts, gore, splatter and more." This extremely gruesome and gory horror film is so terrible and funny that it has the corniest scene in movie history! A woman who is being pushed on a wheelchair by some guy while she's carrying her baby is attacked by a zombie and the zombie tears up the baby into little pieces, which you can easily tell is a doll filled with silly putty. This is as bad as horror movies can get!!!
Return of the Living Dead III (1993)
Serious plot, serious gore, serious violence...a seriously good sequel.
This is one good sequel! Scientists are working on an antidote to bring dead corpses back to life, an idea established by a Military Lt. whose plan is to bring the dead back to life to use them as soldiers. His teenage son, who's so deeply in love with his girlfriend that he runs away from home with her, gets into an accident and she is killed. The only way to be reunited with his love again is to steal his father's secret antidote to bring her back to life, not knowing the disgusting after effects. But before he knows it, nearly indestructible zombies are everywhere, and now he has to find a way to stop it, with his father hot on his trail. There's lots of action and sickening gore and this one is definitely as gruesome as it's earlier predecessors. Just keep in mind to get the UNRATED version. UnratedX
The Being (1981)
I felt stupid just BEING there watching this movie.
Hmmm....well, I was surfing around an internet video store, and I came across "The Being." After reading it's description, I thought this movie would be pretty good, and also full of gore, so I bought the factory sealed tape. Boy, was that a stupid move!!! This had to be without a shadow of a doubt one of the most ridiculous and unbelievably dumbest horror movies I think I've ever seen in my entire life! The film is about some stupid monster that lurks within a toxic disposal dump, tearing off the heads of its victims. Now you see, that little description makes you think that there's going to be lots of violence and gore, but there's not. The movie was neither gory nor violent. This movie just plain sucked. The whole scenery was dark, and this film was not only annoying, but the background music was irritating as well. I would assume that this was an ultimately lame attempt for a scary movie, but jeez, does it fall flat! And these comments are based on the UNRATED print, so I can't even begin to imagine what the edited R-rated version is like. The bottom line: if you ever see this flick sitting in the horror shelf of your local video store, rated-R or UNRATED, do me a favor, pick it up and hide it behind a bunch of other videos, because this movie is a disgrace to all horror movies in existence. Beavis and Butthead couldn't say it any better, "this sucks!" UnratedX
Braindead (1992)
HANDS DOWN, THE GORIEST MAMMAJAMMA OF THEM ALL!!!
Recognized as "the goriest fright film of all time," and "the bloodiest film in cinematic history," Braindead will not only leave you grossed out, but laughing your ass off as well. Director Peter Jackson throws in anything and everything imaginable in this no-holds-barred comical gorefest, and with an unbelievably thought out plot, it all connects together. The story is about a mama's boy who finally gets a date, but when "mum" finds out about his little romance with an attractive cashier, she is filled with jealousy and sets out to ruin his love life, getting bitten by a cursed Samatran Rat Monkey in the process. After "the bite," she literally begins to decompose right before her nerdy son's eyes, and soon, she turns into the most hideous looking zombie ever, mutilating and decapitating anybody in sight. Soon, hungry and rabid zombies are everything in the house, and it's up to Lionel to put a stop to them, in one of the most bizarre and disgusting endings I've ever seen in my entire life, and for sure, in the history of movie making. If you have a cast-iron stomach and love gore movies or just love to laugh yourself silly, then this is the ultimate gorefest for you, and without a doubt, the "last word in horror films." Check it out...I guarantee you'll love it. PLEASE AVOID the R-rated version at ALL COSTS because 19 minutes of extreme violence and gore is cut out. Get the UNRATED version if you can!!!
555 (1988)
This film isn't the brightest lightbulb in the box, but it has potential...
Unknown director Wally Koz makes an attempt for a horror flick, and for the most part, it kinda works. The movie was supposed to be bloody and gory, which it is, but I couldn't help but laugh at the cheesy acting and low-budget make-up effects. First of all, the movie is shot very poorly and the audio is very cheap, just like what you would see in a porno. Secondly, the blood is purple. That speaks for itself. And when the victims scream when they're being attacked by the killer, it's the same scream recorded on a tape and played over and over again, which gets very annoying. The movie is basically about a "the killer" who catches couples in the act of fooling around, so "the killer" does away with them in sickening ways. But it's after the murders that "the killer" begins to have the real fun, because "the killer" is a necrophiliac. Anyway, to sum things up, the movie cover is awesome, the acting sucks, the make-up effects (besides the blood) are pretty cool, and the storyline has some potential. The movie is pretty rare (a good reason alone to rent it), but if you could find it, give it a try. Who knows, you might like it. UnratedX
Emanuelle e gli ultimi cannibali (1977)
Sex, gore, sex, violence, sex, cannibals, and even more sex...what more can you ask for?
Also known as "Emmanuelle and the Last Cannibals," as well as in the USA, "Trap Them and Kill Them," this is a gory sexcapade through the amazon. Two "friends" (who seem to have sex every 5 minutes) take a trip to the jungles to study a last clan of cannibals deemed to exist. It is there that they run into a bunch of different people (who also love to have sex, I might add) who join their expedition and in turn, get a not so friendly greeting from the cannibals. It is then that the buckets full of gore come in, and the sex stops. Pretty good for its day, especially the acting and gore effects, but director Joe D'Amato could have done without all of those cheap excuses to show so much sex. It's almost like watching a gory porn. UnratedX