TheFatManNotJake Reviews

Hero (2002)

Stupendously overrated movie

[3/10 · 6 December 2005]

I was looking forward to this movie. Folks who had talked about "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" and "House of Flying Daggers" (both far superior films, by the way) had lauded this movie as though it was the next coming of "Star Wars."

The plot, what there is to speak of, seems to center around a humble "prefect" (which apparently means mind-numbing assassin in the time period in which the movie takes place) who had executed three assassins that had formerly threatened the king. Something that is blatantly obvious from the beginning of the film is the intense "evil" of the king, the likability of the assassins, and the intense boredom which is Jet Li -- all of this contributes to the complete "I don't care" attitude of the viewer (me). The plot unfolds in flashback style as Jet Li regales the king in what can only have been the worst story ever told. He hunts down the assassins for about five minutes, then fights each of them for about 8 hours. I suppose if you're the kind of person who likes to watch someone else play Street Fighter II for hours, this is your kind of movie.

A lot is made of the artistic side of this movie. OK, I admit, there are lots of water droplets, leaves, and guys and gals flying around on cables. In a movie like "Crouching Tiger...", you might be inclined to be so drawn into the movie where you don't notice or you may even buy in to it, as we all buy the laser and jet sounds in space in Star Wars. In a movie where you notice these kinds of things-- well, it seems fake and contrived. And they don't look very good, folks-- Especially the scene with the rain of arrows. The billowy cloths were nice though, though I can't say they served some purpose other than to be cool or billowy.

Finally, if you manage to survive the intense displeasure of watching the movie in English (as opposed to English subtitles), you'll notice that all of the voice actors seem to have attended the Hayden Christiansen International School of Acting Really Hard. Money well spent, folks.

The DVD commentary, if I could write it, would go a little like this: "Well, I couldn't really come up with a reason to have everyone fight one at a time, so I just had everyone stand around and look real intense like they were fighting with their MINDS! Intense, huh? Then, I had Jet Li mercilessly beat the crap out of somebody backstage to get all of his emotions out of him before he came into the studio. This was important, since I couldn't get him to act so boring without it."

Personally, I liked this movie better when it was called Wrestlemania XII.

Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003)

If I've had a worse time, I don't remember when

[1/10 · 14 June 2003]

I am a laughing kind of guy. I laugh at the dentist's office, in the ER, and sometimes I even laugh on the toilet. I went through an eternity of Harry and Lloyd; I think I may have chuckled once. This is a movie that should be lauded in some way as being the ultimate pain that $8 can buy. I loved the original Dumb & Dumber; I will even say Ace Ventura has its moments. This movie is a soulless, macabre piece of celluloid through which evil incarnates itself. Oh, and I hope everyone involved in its making suffers from horrible cases of: diarrhea, herpes, and possibly gout.

The Patriot (2000)

Propagandist? Yes. Historically oblivious? Yes. Bad movie? No.

[17 July 2000]

I went to see this movie with low expectations. I don't like Mel Gibson movies, the advertisements all but flaunted the fact that this movie had nothing to do with the real, and I had just drank about 64 oz. of Cola. Watching this movie, I was strongly reminded of October (The Ten Days that Shook the World) (1927), directed by Sergei Eisenstein. Both movies only seem patriotic to those who are nationalistic and loyal to the country which the film is about. Outside of this group (and even inside, sometimes), most people find it violent and distasteful. Obviously, the British are not evil people (maybe scientific fact will refute me someday....). It seems unlikely that unrecorded atrocities would occur this frequently localized to a specific area and man. So, I am lead to conclude the evil British were concocted by screenwriters who labeled chapters 1 through 15 of their work, "Mel bashes this man with an axe because..." Spike Lee has lamented the movie's lack of regard for Native Americans and slaves. Sorry Spike; you just don't seem to understand that neither group fights with or against Mel Gibson, therefore are unimportant. These groups, historically, are important- but then again, no one picks up on the good teeth, Polyurathane-varnished chairs, very unused looking guns, etc. in this type of movie; and why add subplots to a movie that hardly has plot to begin with?? Despite all of these problems, "The Patriot" somehow managed to be enjoyable, if only for the few jokes and many action sequences, though the movie felt as if you should be thinking,"I'm glad I'm American; those British are really evil chaps." - and I just wasn't.

The Land Girls (1998)

A pleasantly slow, well-paced and somber tale

[9/10 · 25 May 2000]

I first saw this movie on cable with my significant other, and though I usually dread this type of film, I found myself drawn to the simple yet enjoyable plot. The love story between Stella and Joe was well done; slow, almost arduous, yet it seemed never to lag, and I felt very attached this movie and its cast. It's just one of those movies that really isn't much to look at or think about, but leaves you with an extremely -- well -- pleasant feeling. Casting was brilliant, and some of the cinematography took great advantage of the beautiful English countryside.

Wild Wild West (1999)

A film not to be seen by anyone

[3/10 · 12 July 1999]

The more I think about this film, the more I hate it - which is pretty appropriate, it's a film made to deter thought. No plot, not plot twists (what was there to twist?!!), lame blue screen, several bizarre wastes (Salma Hayek, anyone? Not to mention, waste of my time), lack of continuity. This film is just lame - there seemed to be no connection between the explosions, mediocre acting, or the spider scenes. Come to think of it, the film described itself with "Shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more, and then ask a question or two when you're done." My description of this film: Dumb now, dumb later, dumb drunk, dumb sober, and then get a refund or two when you're done.

Welcome to Woop Woop (1997)

Unusual, interesting, and bizarre - repulsive and cool

[6/10 · 13 June 1999]

Certainly not a film I would have thought to be entertaining, "Welcome" turned out to be darkly funny yet depressing. Showing a different side of the mentally inept and the "what if" scenario of an entire town made up of loonies, the film rather captivated me as I watched in a manner close to horrid fascination. A movie worth seeing twice.