Reviews
Citizen Kane (1941)
Boredom.
I rented this and "Elvis: Aloha From Hawaii."
Guess which one got played through to the end.
I guess it's one of those "watch it by yourself" sorta movies, like The Last Temptation of Christ or Ernest in Africa. It's not something you can really sit around and watch w/your friends, unless you and your friends are all very pretentious.
Video Violence (1987)
Oh man..
Alright, I hafta give it to you folks straight. This movie is no good. Just plain rotten. Even by my standards, and I've endured 100's of hours of crap films at least. Here goes:
shot on camcorder? check actors recruited from local laundromat? check ketchup gore and mannequin appendages? check. unbearably long? check. takes itself very seriously? check. bad time guaranteed? oh check.
Forget Ed Wood, H.G. Lewis, Joel Reed, all them guys.. Gary Cohen puts em all to shame with this garbage. I can recommend it only for the true cinema masochist. Alternates to watching this film:
give yourslf a thousand paper cuts. on your tongue. and then wash it all down with tobasco.
treat yourself to a corn syrup enema.
shoot yourself in the face.
Any one of these activities is preferable to enduring this wretched, bloated corpse of a video for a second time. The first time was bad enough..
Go rent it.
The Arena (1974)
Wow.. it's Pam Grier!
Nothing like seeing washed-up blaxploitation actresses further their careers with such shimmering nuggets of bile as this. She has since gone on to bigger and better things, but this film is noticeably absent from her resume.. Hmmm... I wonder why? This is just another mindless t&a flick with some dumb cat fights and forgettable characters. Except for maybe Priscium, a drag queen Roman praetor portrayed masterfully by Sid Lawrence. And some big goofy bald guy who was sort of reminded me of Tor Johnson, one of Ed Wood's old spooks. If you absolutely must know what this garbage is about.. I'll enlighten you. Roman soldiers recruit "beautiful" (read: laundromat recruits) women to be love slaves for the hedonist government officials. When two of the girls, Pam Grier and some blonde chick, start a particularly brutal food fight, those ever-crafty Romans devise a new plan to keep the proles entertained: we'll make these girls fight! So, they make 'em be gladiators. I would've thought that Pam Grier would've used this film to showcase her awesome whupa$$ skills, but.. she didn't. She was suprisingly subdued, actually. Especially for being a Nubian warrior woman. Anyway, after several boring battles, unsaved even by copious amounts of jiggling flesh, the girl gladiators start a revolt and overthrow the government, allowing Pam Grier and blonde chick to escape.
If you're looking for bad movies, this is merely average. There are so many better ones out there, but it is nice to see Pam Grier again. I bet she looks back on this one as a crowning achievement.
Vegas in Space (1991)
Hmm...
Well, not surprisingly, this movie was a smash hit in gay/drag circles throughout the U.S., maybe even the world. All I know is that it sucks. It's intentionally bad, but bad nonetheless, and so, it being my sworn, solemn duty to watch the worst crap I can, I watched it. Futuristic cities made out of fingernail polish bottles. Earthquakes caused by violently shaking the camera, which appears to be handheld. Men inexplicably change into women for no other apparent reason than to just do it. No real reason for it written into the plot. It's as though it's a must-do thing before you beam down to a planet, change your sex. Who knew. All this, thrown in there with intensely gaudy sets, neon everything, and a bit of drag psychedelia too, this movie is good for just about anyone, gay, straight, drag, whatever, who loves bad movies. My friend has had his copy that he rented for almost 2 years. He doesn't like it, he just wants to keep people from destroying themselves through watching it. (I think he secretly enjoys the movie and that's why he's had it for so long) That, and it's funny to keep a movie you rented for 2 years, evading various court summons and arrest warrants.
Iga ninpôchô (1982)
A Toei classic
Okay, it's not really a classic. In fact, few people have probably even heard of this movie. And that's probably a good thing. This movie is odd. Really odd and bad. It has so many weird plot twists (two girls, one a virgin ninja, the other a concubine, are beheaded, and their heads are reattached but switched to different bodies) and visual effects (ninjas that vomit great streams of acid, the big fat naked concubine getting it on with the blind, scarred devil monk) that a mere plot summary cannot do the movie justice. That and I'm lazy. So, go rooting around in your local mom'n pop video store's bargain bin (I got my copy from a friend who bought it at Phar-Mor when they were having a big everything must go sale), look for Ninja Wars, watch it, and be amazed.
Plan 9 from Outer Space (1957)
So..
I honestly don't see what the big deal is. I understand that there are numerous slip-ups and unintentionally funny parts in this movie, and the dialogue is terrible, and a 4th grader could've probably constructed better sets, and so on and so on, but honestly, is it worth everyone's undulated praise?? I was bored out of my mind with this movie, even with all this supposedly funny stuff going on. A common theme that unites all of Ed Wood's movies is, obviously, cheapness, but another is that they are all incredibly boring. This fact is one that few people, both normal cinema goers and cinema masochists, will accept or even recognize. I am not saying that I don't enjoy the camp value of this film, but people, please! Let's move on! If you want bad, Plan 9 is a primer, but don't get stuck on it! I'd venture to say that there are worse movies than this. Check out Nail Gun Massacre, or Manos, Hands of Fate (fans of Mystery Science Theatre will be instantly familiar with this film. I recommend it in its original format, un-MSTied.) or something, anything else.
The Nail Gun Massacre (1985)
It's Cheap Alright..
Just on the off-chance that anyone might be actually looking for a review for this hideous, wretched little movie, here it is. This movie was made on a budget that couldn't have realistically exceeded $300.00. Seriously. Hershey's syrup gore, rubber nails, cheap, synthy music at the most inappropriate of times, and so much more. The very beginning of this film treats us to what has to be the world's least realistic rape scene ever. (and I am by no means an advocate for rape, but this was just silly) From there, the Nail Gun killer (portrayed masterfully on the box's hand-drawn cover as a guy with his crotch hiked up to comical proportions), a nasty little guy decked out in what appears to be a biker helmet held together with duck tape, some camoflage, and a nail gun with a big, yellow curly-cord which kinda defeats the purpose of camo if you've got a big yellow cord hanging off your back.. proceeds to "slaughter" some backwoods morons, nails a man in the crotch, (who just moans and groans, sort of like Al Johnson from the band U.S. Maple. I'm pretty sure I'd do more than just a little bit of whining if somebody nailed my equipment point-blank) and goes around saying witty things like, "Nailed ya," or something stupid like that. Oh yeah, he drives around an inconspicuous GOLD Herze, too. You see this same Herze parked at a shop where the soon (but not soon enough, as the film proceeds for another 90 minutes)-to-be-revealed killer works, so I guess the filmmakers wanted the viewer to use their deductive reasoning skills. I kinda wish I'd have used my deductive reasoning skills and not wasted $1.08 on this trash.
Also worth mentioning: the killer's voice (they ran it through a synthesizer to make it sound deep and scary. that, and he laughs a lot. mwa ha ha! kinda like that) the killer's running ability (not suprisingly, the killer's stunt doubles were all women. while watching it I'd figured the person actually running in the killer's costume was a 12 year old boy.) the gratuitous, skanky t&a (lots of that good old fashioned 80's skank, too. huge hair, make-up applied 3 & 4 layers at a time, tan lines.. bliss) and finally, the old man (I don't know who this old coot was or where director Terry "T.L." Lofton found him, but god love him he was the best thing in the movie.) There is so much more to this horrible movie that I can't spoil (or can't remember because I've blocked it out of my mind) for you so it's definitely recommended if you're looking for a bad time.
Gekitotsu! Satsujin ken (1974)
I despise people who don't keep their promises!
It's not the best martial arts film ever made, (that title, in my opinion, belongs to Enter The Dragon) but it definitely holds its own, especially when you compare it to the millions of crappy, overdubbed Kung Fu movies out there. What I liked best about the film was Tsurugi's in-it-for-the-money attitude. Aside from maybe Ratnose (did anyone else detect the slightest hint of sexual tension between Rat & Terry, or am I crazy?), Tsurugi cares about no one. He is, after all, "a number one man!" I know this bad anti-hero thing has been done to death, but Sonny Chiba is the best at what he does: whuppin' ass & lookin' cool.
The thing I didn't care too much for was Tsurugi's seeming ability to teleport wherever he needed to go. (Hong Kong! Tokyo! Jupiter!) Other than that minor inconsistency (remember, inconsistency is what makes a movie good, sometimes) I enjoyed this movie.