YAS Reviews

Sexual Chronicles of a French Family (2012)

Two Separate Versions, beware!

[5/10 · 4 December 2023]

The original French release of this film contains, as you might expect from the title, lots of explicit sex. However, the US/British version was severely censored, with all the sex and most of the nudity removed, which, if you think about it, is pretty silly for a film with that title. The trouble is, most of the people selling this DVD/Blu-Ray don't tell you which it is they're offering. The ONLY way to know is to check the run time -- the French (complete) version is 85 minutes long, with no English subtitles, and the bowdlerized "safe" version is 79 minutes and has English subtitles. Still waiting for the full version WITH subtitles as my French is good but not that good.

The Overnight (2015)

Sad regression

[3/10 · 9 April 2023]

At first I thought this was going to be one of those entertaining "seduction" (or "attempted seduction") movies, on the order of Radley Metzger's 1975 confection SCORE. Alas, in the 50 years since that one came out, timidity has overcome Hollywood and this poor lame tale, which probably started out as a clever stage play, becomes a fiesta of fake rubber genitalia and you can practically see all the scars in the screenplay where the timid makers said "Oh we better not say/do that, someone might be offended" so they take the vanilla road instead. Overall, a wasted opportunity to make a cutting black comedy turns into a piffling thing that could have been made for TV.

Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (2016–2017)

The British Failing

[4/10 · 30 October 2016]

I wanted to like this, too (didn't everyone?), but, alas. It's like a compendium of all the things I DISlike about "Dr Who" without any of the redemptive things that kept me watching that series. A title character so flighty and twee that without the saving grace of any (discernible) humor, I just want to slap him and send him home. A plot that's all over the place without much of anything to tie it together. All it really lacks to be totally horrible is a laugh track, and I can't imagine how they missed that.

I got through the first two episodes, hoping it would pull itself together, but it never did, instead just piling on more apparently-unrelated characters and situations. It's like a bad sketch comedy without the comedy. Elijah Wood is wasted on this.

Bones: The Secrets in the Proposal (2013) Season 9, Episode 1

No more perpetual villains!

[4/10 · 1 October 2013]

The most tired cliché in all of cop-procedural writing is: the bad guy goes after the cop! Or the cop's family! It really didn't need to be done more than once, but now every show keeps dragging it back in as though it were a fresh plot device. It's not. It's very, very stale.

The biggest, rottenest shark that lies athwart the path of any cop-procedural show is: the Omnipotent Omniscient Never-Caught Villain. Have the writers learned nothing from the way "Red John" has killed interest in The Mentalist? The whole point of these shows is that they present us with a puzzle, and solve it neatly by the end of the hour. That's the framework. Once you start getting "supervillains" like Red John or the endlessly-uninteresting Pelant, the show starts circling the drain, because we know as soon as the name is mentioned that this episode will be just another dead end, petering out unsatisfactorily.

Kill off Pelant and get back to what makes the show great!

Homewrecker (2009)

Shot down by bad casting

[3/10 · 16 June 2010]

The premise of this movie is that a would-be actor insinuates himself into the life of a gay couple who have been signed to write and produce a cable reality show. There was plenty of room for this to go somewhere, but it just doesn't work, due at least in part to the fact that the wannabe actor, supposedly a former nerd who's become a hunk, isn't nearly as attractive as he (or the casting director) apparently thinks he is. He just comes across as a really annoying person, full of himself and tolerated for no apparent reason, who hangs around the nice couple's house and concocts lame schemes to break into their show. Alas, he's no Lucille Ball, nor is the film a "Man Who Came To Dinner." The story limps and stumbles along until, evidently sensing the end is near, it makes a desperate attempt to become a sort of '40s 'noir' (as directed by Douglas Sirk?), but it just doesn't make it. The supporting players are actually very good, but the 'star' is so unappealing that the film's good intentions never quite manage to inflate into anything worth watching.

Lizzie (1957)

Good, bad, better!

[7/10 · 11 June 2010]

Shirley Jackson's "The Bird's Nest" has always been one of my favorite novels, so I was excited to find that it had been made into a movie (albeit one that's nearly impossible to find) 'way back when. The film's black-and-white 1950s graininess perfectly evokes its era, as do the starchy clothes and rigid hair of the characters, and the dreadful, over-the-top "score" of shrieking, dissonant violins. The beginning of the movie promised an experience so terrible that I was tempted to hold off watching it till I could gather some of my snarkier friends, but it was already too late -- I'd been sucked in and was having too much fun to quit. As the movie goes on, it gets much better, yet it remains enjoyable, every now and again flinging itself headlong into vertiginous swoops of insane bathos. All in all, I found it perfectly delightful, and can only summarize it by plagiarizing Mae West: When it's good, it's very good, and when it's bad, it's better.

American Stag (2006)

An Eggless Omelette

[2/10 · 17 November 2008]

In bygone days, there were those who swore they read PLAYBOY magazine "only for the articles." This documentary feature would appear to have been made entirely for, and by, those people.

Imagine, if you will, the worst possible movie-going experience: watching really bad old porno movies just for the plots. Then make it even more excruciating by presenting only ancient "stag" films, badly photographed in black-and-white, silent, and so deteriorated that one must surmise rather than see most of what's going on.

And then, just to crown the absurdity with insult, carefully expurgate all the actual sex from these movies. And try to make a documentary with the remainder.

Learned pundits (like, um, Adam Carolla) talk about the first "stag" films they saw, or about the Role of Women In Early Porn, but really there's little to say about these sad fragments. We see a couple riding in a '20s jalopy, and then they get out. CUT! A woman goes to the doctor's office (I think), steps inside and begins to undress. CUT! So we are left with a film ABOUT old sex films, comprised OF old sex films, with all the actual sex removed. It's a bizarre and surreal concept, but unfortunately not one entertaining enough to sustain even a documentary as brief as this one.

In today's world of universally available, explicit sex films, filmed in Super Widescreen Hi-Def Million-Color GynoScope with Gooshy Noises In Six-Channel Sound, it might well have been interesting to look back at the era before PLAYBOY, PLAYGIRL and widely available sex education, to see firsthand what was considered erotic. Certainly these quaint and ancient archives are the last place one would need to go to look for any sort of erotic stimulation, and, unfortunately, this film is also the last place one should go to look for any vestige of either entertainment or enlightenment.

Forgiving the Franklins (2006)

An unexpected lurking kindness

[8/10 · 31 July 2008]

It's always a pleasure to see characters in a movie who are wholly good-hearted and well-intentioned, even when they're surrounded by those who are neither. The film's moderately silly premise is that the conservative, religious Franklin family (mother, father, teen boy and girl) are involved in an accident wherein the parents and brother have a near-death experience during which they meet Jesus, a pleasant but somewhat exasperated soul who removes from them the burden of 'original sin.' When they return to their lives, many of their views and attitudes have changed, much to the consternation of the daughter, who didn't share the experience. The religious side is, I think, presented with a good balance, from the good (Jesus) to the starkly awful (those of his 'followers' who are obsessed with the sins of others and utterly oblivious to their own). It's a movie to make you think, give you a few good laughs along the way, and leave you with the pleasant feeling that the world just might be a nicer place than you think it is.

P.S. Your Cat Is Dead! (2002)

... And so's this adaptation

[3/10 · 28 April 2008]

I first saw this as a play back in the '70s, and after a few productions here and there that were always funny and rewarding, I began to regard "PS Your Cat Is Dead" as one of those perfect plays, like "Importance of Being Earnest," that can survive even the worst casting and direction.

Alas, Steve Guttenberg's little self-directed vanity production has proved me wrong, as he manages to pretty much kill the humor by grabbing center stage and then not doing much but occupying it. The play isn't really about Jimmy Zoole so much as it is about the events that occur, the burglar who triggers them, and, to a lesser degree, the puzzled /discomfited ex-girlfriend who just wants to get out of there. Unfortunately, Guttenberg has pushed all of these elements into the background so as to claim more of the limelight for himself, and then, just to really put his "stamp" on it (mark it with his scent?) he makes the "dump" apartment upscale and chic and throws out the gay elements that provided the play's best twists. When restrained by a good director, Guttenberg can be a charming and entertaining actor, but with no one to keep his ego in check, he's just a smug, aging bore.

Ah well, we can always hope that someone will someday do a remake that gives James Kirkwood's play the presentation it deserves.

Uncut (2003)

Better than it ought to be

[7/10 · 21 October 2006]

This film is basically a novelty piece. After a bad fall occasioned by an assignation gone wrong, a man is bedridden with a fractured hip and one leg in a cage-brace. Unable to go on the prowl, he desperately goes through his address book, trying to persuade the women he's known to come over and have sex with him. The single camera, ostensibly mounted at the foot of the bed so the doctors can keep an eye on his leg injury, is focused on his crotch, which latter, as his face is never shown, must do any acting that's to be done.

In the wrong hands, which would be just about anybody's, this would have become either a five-minute porno joke or some horrible 'arty' film. However, writer/director Gionata Zarantonello manages to sustain the gag long enough to build a pretty good comedy around it. As the doorbell constantly rings ("Who is it? Okay, come in, the key's under the mat") and the sheet comes and goes, a parade of other, similarly unseen, characters mix up the plot from the sidelines and we realize there's more going on here than was first apparent.

I certainly wouldn't call this film great or meaningful in any way (it's not even pornographic), but as far as wry comedies go, it fulfilled its end of the bargain nicely, eliciting startled barks of glee from us more often than not. Even the "I'm not going to look at THAT for an hour" attendee, after a grumpy ten minutes, was won over and heard to snicker on multiple occasions.

Lilith (1964)

Horrifying in unexpected ways

[7/10 · 8 January 2005]

One of the great pleasures of watching older films is that, beyond the obvious joys of character and plot, they also offer us a look past the films' action and into the world in which they were made: the fashions of dress, design, and social attitude that prevailed at the time. All of this "background," so taken for granted by the filmmakers in their day, can, when seen across a focal space of time and social change, reveal fascinating elements unguessed-at when the films were made.

So it is with LILITH. Other comments on this film have more than adequately discussed the plots and motivations of the characters; what I found unexpectedly mesmerizing and appalling was its view of the mental institution of the mid-1960s. Warren Beatty's character has no experience in such a setting, but he'd like to "help people," so he's hired on the spot and immediately put in charge of patients who, by definition, aren't responsible for their own actions. The inmates seem to be mostly left to do as they please, whether it be teetering at the edge of a precipitous cliff or wandering off in the woods, easily slipping away from their inattentive keepers.

When Beatty's character begins to be attracted to Lilith, the chief shrink calls him in and asks if this is the case. "No, I don't think so," says Beatty, patently lying through his teeth. "Well," says Dr Big reassuringly, "it's not unheard-of for patients to fall in love with the orderlies, and sometimes, unfortunately, it happens the other way as well." And that's that: with this appalling (to modern-day ears, at any rate) bit of 'advice,' or possibly nudge-wink encouragement, he pats the oafish horndog on the back, tells him he's doing a great job, and sends him off to town on yet another date with Lilith. Whenever Beatty does express concern about anything job-related, the medical staff just interrupts him with "don't worry, you're doing a fine job" and gently shoos him out.

What a different world it was, forty years ago! Mind you, I'm not judging the film by social standards that never occurred to its time; indeed, the things it reveals about the 'care' of mental patients in 1963 are what made it most interesting to me. All the characters are either entertainingly insane or arrestingly clueless idiots, and Lilith herself is a sufficiently complex and compelling character to make this melodrama watchable all on her own.

Eating Raoul (1982)

A heartwarmingly black comedy full of murders

[9/10 · 25 August 2003]

This movie keeps ending up on my top ten list, no matter how many others come and go with the years. Director Paul Bartel began with a ridiculous premise, and then had everyone play it perfectly straight, which resulted in a comedy that doesn't telegraph its laughs. It's evident that the film was lovingly polished (again) in postproduction, down to the level of tiny incidental sound effects that add immeasurably to the hilarity if you happen to catch them. The story is full of murders, but there's no gore 'n guts here; it's all as discreet as an Agatha Christie novel, where Death is tastefully signaled by a thud from another room. EATING RAOUL is an excellent introduction to the topics of Los Angeles, food, swingers, and real estate loans, and resist as you may, you'll end up cheering for Paul and Mary as they work toward their dream of opening their very own restaurant.

The First Nudie Musical (1976)

Gratuitous Everything Else

[3/10 · 25 December 2002]

How crushing, to be confronted with irrefutable proof that naked people singing and dancing aren't REALLY enough, per se, to make a film entertaining. Who'd have thought? Unfortunately, if those naked people are singing and dancing in something like "Waiting for Guffman" without the parody, it gets tragic. The movie's a broad spoof that winks at itself, actually it pretty much elbows itself in the ribs and guffaws, unlike the audience, which is likely sitting there furtively checking its collective watch every few minutes. The nudity is entirely wholesome and non-pornographic, Cindy Williams is cute and very funny, a couple of the production numbers are clever, and the plot and dialogue just reek. The whole thing would appear to have started out as a terrifically cute stage play, sabotaged on its way to the screen by compromise, timidity, and tired schtick. Still, as with everything in life, there is a lesson to be learned here; in this case, the novel truth that it's possible to be far more embarrassing in clothes than out of them.

Pumpkin (2002)

Fabulously Overblown Teen Melodrama

[8/10 · 17 December 2002]

If you relish the bad black-and-white teen movies of the '50s and '60s, PUMPKIN is the one you've been waiting for without even knowing it. Writer-director Adam Broder happily stuffs the film to the bursting point with every old saw of the genre -- the obliviously contented Ozzie and Harriet parents, the ambitious sorority girls, the guy who achieves great things for love, the car crash as a weeping lover flees rejection; none of your favorite cinematic moments is overlooked or neglected. This movie blows right through the top of the elevator shaft, gleefully cramming in every cliched shot, phrase and Filmic Moment as though it were a crazed shopper who'd won an all-you-can-stuff-in-your-cart-in-ten-minutes spree at K-Mart. I can't think of another film since Curt McDowell's THUNDERCRACK that has suffused me with such dark glee, though HEATHERS was certainly a lob in the right direction. If you have a blackish sense of humor and enjoy bad movies for their very badness, I think you'll like this little homage a whole lot. Otherwise, have a little Geritol, folks, it's full of irony and good for you.

The Image (1975)

One of a Kind

[8/10 · 13 November 2002]

THE IMAGE is a disturbing, erotic, scary, elegant movie that probably only Radley Metzger could have made. Most directors of 'erotica' concentrate on gynecological close-ups to the exclusion of all else; Metzger's hallmark has always been to tell the story and explain the characters by relying as much on the actors' eyes as on the dialogue. The S&M scene is as alien to me as peanut-butter-and-pickle sandwiches (which I am also told some enjoy), but in THE IMAGE I can see the gamesmanship, the role-playing and the unspoken psychological leveraging that makes it all so compellingly complex. Would I show this film to Grandma? Uh-uh. But then, that's just MY grandma, who knows, yours may have a side you never suspected. This film is hot, fascinating, and, in this gorgeous and UNCUT (thank you, thank you!) video transfer, stunningly beautiful as well.

In the Spirit (1990)

Black, funny and brisk

[9/10 · 4 August 2001]

This is one of those movies I have to go back and watch every now and again. It's like very dark chocolate -- it doesn't cloy, and has enough of a bite to keep it interesting. It's funny, managing to skewer New Yorkers, Californians, New Agers, and middle-age crises, all on the same shishkabob; it has great cameos, snappy dialogue, and a pace that keeps it moving right along, with none of the non-nutritive filler that bloats so many films. As the crystal-waving, aura-reading proto-Feng-Shui "decorator," Marlo Thomas is such a NICE person that you just want to smack her. Fortunately, the movie is in on this angle, and Jeannie Berlin expresses the viewer's exasperation very well. Give it a shot as a rental, and you'll probably end up buying a copy.

Just One Time (II) (1998)

Silly, Cute and Funny

[8/10 · 6 July 2001]

It's a movie like angel food cake -- light, fluffy, insubstantial, and a bit sweet. Unexpected little plot twists and some surprisingly witty dialogue make it a good accompaniment for a big bowl of popcorn on a night when you're not up for anything heavy and meaningful. Hey, sometimes you just want to laugh, and this is just the ticket.

The Lion in Winter (1968)

Best Dialogue Ever!

[10/10 · 3 December 1999]

Well, okay, so this film might have to contend with "All About Eve" for the title of best movie dialogue ever written, but surely it's gotta be in the top two if not THE best. The acting's great, the plot is intelligent and full of twists, and the story provides a remarkably painless history lesson... but oh, that dialogue. Words to swoon for, if one weren't laughing and/or gasping too hard to make the swoon convincing.

Maytime (1937)

Glorious Sticky Melodrama

[10/10 · 3 December 1999]

This has to be the biggest heap of excitingly melodramatic froth ever to be whipped up in black-and-white. It has everything -- flashbacks, unrequited love, grand opera, bittersweet moments, high comedy, dramatic tragedy, foolish young people learning from their elders' hard-earned wisdom, and a title sequence spelled out in flower petals on a moving stream. It's a great watch, even if you normally stay as far from movie musicals as you can get. A sentimental friend of mine once said, blowing her nose, "I thought that if I saw this over and over I'd get used to it and be able to handle it better, but now I just start crying as soon as I see the tree in the opening credits." Pass the hankies. And the popcorn.

Bad Girls in the Movies (1986)

And When She Was Bad, She Was Better

[5/10 · 30 November 1999]

This flick is a compendium of bits that are individually pretty awful, but when they're assembled it's actually kind of fun. Clips from sixty years of movies (from the silents up into the mid-'80s when this was made) show sassy "bad" girls smoking cigarettes, rolling their stockings down and going for joyrides, and getting progressively 'badder' as time goes by and topless catfights begin to figure more prominently in the plots. Don't expect to see famous actresses in this one, as it seems to have been put together exclusively from cheapo exploitation flicks (yes, they had those back in the '20s too). Despite a majorly lame 'framing' story that apparently stars close female relatives and friends of the director, it's worth a watch, so long as you've got the guys over, a couple of six-packs, and chips or some similar snack that can be thrown harmlessly at the TV.

Score (1973)

IT'S ALL IN THE GAME

[10/10 · 30 November 1999]

Jack and Elvira, a thirtyish American couple living in Europe, amuse themselves with the game of seduction, keeping score on each other's successes and failures. As the movie opens, Elvira is laying an elaborate trap with which she hopes to lure the fresh-faced Betsy into her lair. Betsy and her equally-innocent husband Eddie come to dinner, and the evening is devoted to the machinations of the wilier and far more experienced couple as they try to further Elvira's plot. The musical soundtrack is unbelievably horrible, but the dialogue is hilariously arch, the cast is attractive, and director Radley Metzger, the undisputed master of the classy Eurotrash film, conveys more with close-ups of the actors' eyes than has anyone since silent film director G. W. Pabst. If sexual humor in film makes you uncomfortable, stay far away from this one, it'll save you stomping out later in a huff. But if you think sex can be funny, and you're out for some of the best lines ever uttered, go for SCORE -- you won't regret it.

King David (1985)

Move Over, Plan 9!

[1/10 · 27 November 1999]

For many years now this movie has remained my personal choice for Worst Movie Ever Made. Oh sure, others have come along to try to knock it off its pedestal, but KING DAVID remains, in that respect anyway, King of the Hill, A-Number One, Top Of The Heap. It's amazing to see so much money and talent poured into a fascinating, large-scale story of murder and betrayal and gods and scheming women and intrigue, only to result in a dreary stink-bomb of a flick that should forever stand as a cautionary lesson to those who would make a Sunday School story out of material that is, in the original, decidedly adult. The end result here is a movie that is embarrassingly awful even on fast-forward.