Not even five minutes have passed and it's already clear this movie is going to be facing a very steep uphill climb to try to gain any favor, made all the more difficult for the fact that it's already slipping and sliding further down that slope. That impression will not change. We're presented with absolutely obnoxious and unlikable characters (even the inhumanly surly narrator and supposed hero); an endless stream of contemporary references, allusions, and modern sociopolitical and cultural lingo; boorishly over the top music, overlaid graphics, effects, embellishments, editing, cutaway scenes, and cinematography; tiresomely excitable acting, overdone production design, art direction, costume design, hair, and makeup; and so on, and so on. Then factor in direly heavy-handed writing and direction. And all this is perfectly empty and hollow. I'm distinctly reminded of Gia Coppola's 2020 film 'Mainstream,' that also touched upon Internet culture - yet while the final product in that instance was imperfect, at least it made use of the bombast in meaningful ways. Here all the flailing flourishes and garish garnishes are merely pretentious flavoring. While there might be small glimmers of good ideas scattered across these ninety minutes, in no time at all watching 'Slayers' goes from "sure, I'll try it, how bad could it be" to "I've made a huge mistake."
This is not a good movie. It is far, far away from being a good movie. I feel bad for everyone who got roped into participating, whose skills were twisted toward such thin and flimsy ends. Apart from writer and director K. Asher Levin I'm not sure who is to blame for how thoroughly, excruciatingly unwatchable this is, but I assume one person can't be solely responsible for such tawdry bluster. There is no intelligence to be found here - not underlying the usage of what few, sparing possible good ideas one might find with a magnifying glass, definitely not in the unyielding assault on our senses, and least of all when it tries (and fails) to be "smart" by pointlessly throwing about terms and concepts that a 2022 audience would be familiar with. Nevermind Thomas Jane's narration as "hero" Elliot; the entirety of the script is 100% fluff, vacuous hot air of no real purpose. There are genuine specks of plot thrown at the wall, and they also can be handily ignored as they serve no real purpose. The viewing experience would probably be improved by playing the feature with the sound muted; scarcely any sooner than it began is it very easy to pretty much altogether check out of watching. And why shouldn't we? There's no entertainment to be found in this, and no value of any other sort. There is no useful or positive adjective with which 'Slayers' can be described. It's a waste of time, energy, money, and resources.
Whatever it is that drew you to this, however you came across it, whatever you think you're going to get out of it - watching is a mistake. Anything that this picture might have potentially offered will not be found here, but can be found in countless other titles in varying proportions, and generally in considerable abundance. There is no reason to watch 'Slayers.' I deeply regret my decision to check it out. It's so rotten that I can't help but wonder if Levin was actively endeavoring to make as awful a flick as he could. If the very construction was a meta joke, performative art from the Shia LaBeouf school of "I think this will be clever and therefore it is," then it's the worst joke ever told. This is a sorry new entry on the short list of the worst things I've ever watched, alongside 'A karate Christmas miracle,' The Asylum's 'Golden winter,' or Uncork'd Entertainment's 'The 13th Friday.' Just utter rubbish. Do yourself a favor and avoid this like the plague - or don't, and subsequently be like me and wish in vain that you could forget ever stumbling onto it.
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