William Conrad: Narrator

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Narrator : Well, last time was a black-letter day for our friends. Not only did Boris kick them through a doorway, into the Potomac River, but he's made off with the First Prize for this whole sequence, the Kirward Derby.

  Boris Badenov : Natasha, guess what? We *won* once!

  Natasha Fatale : Hardly seems possible, dahlink.

  Boris Badenov : Hey! Maybe they got new writers on this show.

  [waving into the camera] 

  Boris Badenov : Thanks, fellows!

• [Boris places the fabulous, intelligence-boosting Kirward Derby on his head] 

  Natasha Fatale : I got notebook, dahlink. Speak up.

  Boris Badenov : Ah, it's all coming clear!

  Natasha Fatale : Yes, dahlink! How do we rule the world?

  Narrator : But something remarkable seemed to be happening to Boris.

  Natasha Fatale : What is it, dahlink? What are you thinking?

  Boris Badenov : I can see it now...

  Natasha Fatale : Go ahead!

  Boris Badenov : Being a villain is such a waste of time!

  Natasha Fatale : What?

  Boris Badenov : Nobody likes me, not even other villains. If everybody was like me, what a terrible world it would be. The wise thing to do is learn a trade, like making apple boxes. Raise family. Gain respect of neighbors. Have friends. Because, Natasha... Crime really doesn't pay! And -

  [angrily removing the Kirward Derby] 

  Boris Badenov : Phooey, phooey!

  Natasha Fatale : Boris! You're not going to wear Kirward Derby?

  Boris Badenov : You said it! If *that's* being smart, you can have it!

  [Boris throws the hat through an open window] 

• Narrator : And our friends walked up on the shore and right into the outskirts of a large crowd.

  Rocket J. Squirrel : Wonder what they're waiting for...

  Bullwinkle J. Moose : Maybe waiting for the President to throw out the first cherry blossom.

  Rocket J. Squirrel : [to a man in the crowd]  What's the big crowd for, mister?

  Welcoming Man : New congressman coming to town today.

  Rocket J. Squirrel : Really? Who's that?

  Welcoming Man : Feller from a small town in Missouri.

  Bullwinkle J. Moose : I thought they already had one of those, once.

  Welcoming Man : Nope, he went back home again.

  Bullwinkle J. Moose : Too bad; he played a mean piano.

  Welcoming Man : This one's name is Squirrel. Rocket J. Squirrel.

  Bullwinkle J. Moose : Oh, sure, I've heared of him, he - Rocky, that's *you*!

  Narrator : And it was! Our boys were cheered by the enthusiastic crowd, and then Rocky was installed in his new office.

• [U.S. congressman Rocky uses the Kirward Derby and decides to solve the Hatful-Floy feud by evacuating both families from the state] 

  Narrator : And so, within the hour, busloads of Hatfuls started leaving the state heading east, while busloads of Floys were leaving the state heading west. Oddly enough, they all seemed delighted at the idea.

  [to a Floy on the evacuation bus] 

  Narrator : Uh, say, don't you know what "evacuation" means?

  Evacuating Floy : [surprised]  Evacuation? Dagnab! I thought that word was "vacation"!

• [last lines] 

  [Rocky's fellow congressmen are delighted with Rocky's first congressional speech, during which he accidentally skipped to the last page and immediately called for adjournment] 

  Bullwinkle J. Moose : But you didn't *make* your speech, Rock.

  Rocket J. Squirrel : Bullwinkle, sometimes you can say the smartest things by keeping your mouth shut.

  Bullwinkle J. Moose : Hmm... Little moral, there. Sounds like the tagline of the whole story.

  Narrator : And it *is*, too! But be with us next time for the further adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle!

• Narrator : Yes, Boris had been frozen solid by Cloyd's scrooch gun, and what's more, he was standing next to a flag pole. In his frozen position, he appeared to be perpetually saluting the American flag.

  Natasha Fatale : And believe me, dahlink, for him, that's a fate worse than death.

  Boris Badenov : You sarrit it!