Judah Friedlander: America is the Greatest Country in the United States (2017 TV Special)

Judah Friedlander: Self

Quotes 

• Judah Friedlander : I just wrote a movie about a piñata that comes back to life and murders all the children that beat her with a stick. That's right, I said her. It's piñata, not piñato. Okay? Piñatas are females who have been getting abused by children at the encouragement of parents for centuries.

• Judah Friedlander : New York City has a program to get illegal guns off the street. Guns for cash. Where if you have an illegal gun, you can turn it in, the government won't ask any questions, they give you $200, that illegal gun is off the street. When I'm president, I'm doing the exact same thing nationwide, except with Ashton Kutcher movies. If you own a movie starring Ashton Kutcher, you can turn it in, no questions asked... and we will give you $500,000... and a gun. Just trying to make America better.

• Judah Friedlander : I was just in China, met a 5-year-old boy. His toy said, "I made this."

• Judah Friedlander : Tribeca. It's a very dangerous neighborhood. Look at someone the wrong way on the streets of Tribeca, they might unfollow you on Instagram.

• Judah Friedlander : Tribeca is one of the most diverse neighborhoods in New York City. Where else can you find hedge fund CEOs living right next door to venture capitalists? Both upstairs from a CVS that's inside of a Walgreens. Which are both inside a Citibank. Where else can you find that but the melting pot that is New York City?

• Judah Friedlander : We have 2.6 million people in prison in this country. That means we have a government that cares so much about its citizens it awards 2.6 million of them free meals and housing.

• Judah Friedlander : I just donated to this organization, Doctors Without Passports. It's a group of doctors who wanna help sick people in foreign countries but they're not motivated enough to get a passport. Try to chip in and make a difference.

• Judah Friedlander : And we have the best drones in the world. Drones are designed to do a surgical strike, to take out one person at a time. Ours often kill up to 20 or 25 people at a time. That's an overachieving victory drone. Now, I'm against the military using drone strikes because it takes away American jobs.

• Judah Friedlander : Netherlands, another question. Um... When a woman in Netherlands gives birth to a baby, how much time is she given off of work and maybe even paid for that time off of work? One year. Women in Netherlands are given a year of paid leave after giving birth. Know how much time women in America are given off of work after they give birth to a baby? Zero. And you know why? It's because our women care about the economy.

• Judah Friedlander : I like trilogies. That's why I'm so excited about World War III. The original was a landmark. Everyone loved that one. A lot of critics and fans think the second one was better than the first, and... We've all been waiting over 70 years for the final chapter in the trilogy. I wish they would just give it to us already. I... I think the next one could be the highest-grossing. I just hope they don't ruin it with too much merchandising.

• Judah Friedlander : Canada, in the War of 1812, you burned down the White House and we still did not invade you. Because we came to the realization that living in Canada was punishment enough.

• Judah Friedlander : I wrote a self-help book for trees. It's called How Not to Become a Book. I'm hoping to sell 10 million copies.