- Michael: All I've ever really wanted was to know what it feels like to be human, and now we're going to do the most human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly!
- Michael: Once you handed him a tissue right before he sneezed, and that simple act of anticipating his needs made him fall for you. One night you took a walk along the lake, and you had your first kiss, which - gross! Kissing is gross. You just mash your food holes together. It's not for that!
- [last lines]
- Michael: In a way, the Good Place was inside the Bad Place all along?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: You know what? That's technically true. I'm gonna give it to you.
- Michael: [laughs] I just made an aphorism. Hit it, Janet! Next stop, the actual Bad Place!
- Chidi Anagonye: I just wish we met the way normal people meet. Like at a philosophy conference, or after one of my philosophy lectures. Or you came knocking on my office door asking for help with philosophy.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Is that how you think people meet?
- Chidi Anagonye: [laughs] I have no idea how normal people meet.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [affectionately] You're such a nerd.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: This was your life's work. Are you okay with leaving the fake Good Place behind?
- Michael: As long as I'm with you guys, I'm always in the fake Good Place.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: That doesn't sound as nice as you think it does.
- Jason Mendoza: And to Janet, the best robot...
- Janet: Not a robot.
- Jason Mendoza: Girl...
- Janet: Not a girl.
- Jason Mendoza: And straight up hottie...
- Janet: I am attractive, yes.
- Jason Mendoza: Any of us could have ever asked for.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: You all right?
- Jason Mendoza: Kind of. I asked Michael if I could pop the giant balloon, and he said no. Then I asked if I could suck the helium out of it to make my voice sound funny so it cheers everyone up, and he just kind of sighed and walked away. So I guess that one is still on the table.
- Chidi Anagonye: Okay, here's the thing. That balloon wants us to be the best version of ourselves. But for the four of us, that's not just a metaphor. There have literally been 802 different versions of us. And how do I know that this version is the best version of myself? How do I know it's not version #85, or 322, or 558?
- Jason Mendoza: Or 69, or 420?
- [Eleanor high fives Jason without breaking face]
- Jason Mendoza: What do you guys think the Bad Place is going to be for you? I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert, and I'll be waiting for the bass drop. And it...
- [chokes up]
- Jason Mendoza: it'll never come!
- Michael: Guys, I tried a billion different ways. Not an exaggeration! I actually tried one billion and twelve different plans.
- Janet: Michael, there's a message coming in from Shawn.
- Michael: [Reading Shawn's messages] Finish shutting everything down. Sending train first thing tomorrow. Humans will be captured and tortured soup. Sorry autocorrect. *soon. Although, weirdly, I did just finish turning someone into soup. So random. Ok bye.