Criminal Minds (TV Series)

The Bunker (2017)

Kirsten Vangsness: Penelope Garcia

Quotes 

• Matt Simmons : Kristy and I can't take two steps in our house without tripping over the kids' toys.

  Jennifer Jareau : Yeah, tell me about it.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : Guys, I read about a guy in California who only has 79 items to his name, including his underwear.

  Luke Alvez : Hey, I am all for living with only the things you really need.

  Penelope Garcia : Amen. Me, too, right?

  [off JJ's look, she realizes the insult] 

  Penelope Garcia : What?

  Matt Simmons : How many fuzzy pens, unicorn statues, mermaid paperweights does one need at her desk?

  Penelope Garcia : All of them.

• Matt Simmons : I gotta say, Coleman's bunker was pretty impressive.

  Emily Prentiss : Yeah, but not where I want to spend my last day on Earth.

  Matt Simmons : Yeah? Where would you?

  Emily Prentiss : Never thought about it.

  Penelope Garcia : I... I don't want to think about it.

  Dr. Tara Lewis : I would definitely be on a beach.

  Luke Alvez : I think I'd prefer the mountains.

  Matt Simmons : I'd be with my family.

  Jennifer Jareau : Same. Spence?

  Dr. Spencer Reid : Paris with my mom. She liked Paris.

  Dr. Tara Lewis : You know, something tells me Dave has this all planned out.

  David Rossi : Don't you know it. When the end comes, you'll find me at home enjoying a meal of carbonara a la Rossi, and if there's still time, I will adjourn to my patio to partake in a double Jack and a vintage Don Carlos.

  Luke Alvez : That sounds great.

  Emily Prentiss : You mind if we join you?

• Penelope Garcia : I looked into the disappearance of Chrissy Miller. I found something significant. That same week that Chrissy disappeared, another teen, Kylie Pritchard, also went missing.

  Jennifer Jareau : Eighteen and pregnant. Like Chrissy, the police checked off the "troubled runaway" box.

  Penelope Garcia : Yeah. And this will also whet your mystery whistle. Days after Kylie and Chrissy went missing, Dr. Roberta Childs vanished.

  Emily Prentiss : So if this is the same unsub, he probably started with high-risk victims like runaways, then graduated to high-profile ones.

  Jennifer Jareau : What if Joanna Miller was right and her sister's disappearance is connected to the abduction of the professional women from five years ago?

  Emily Prentiss : Garcia, expand your search for...

  Penelope Garcia : Missing women in Virginia and the metro D.C. area. I can read your voices and your minds.

• Jennifer Jareau : Ooh, what about this one? Sunny, two-bedroom. It's close to work. And it's in your price range.

  Matt Simmons : Garcia, you're moving? You don't like change.

  Penelope Garcia : That's true. Change is my kryptonite. But the apartment is no longer a sanctuary. I have a new neighbor. Window's right here. He enjoys doing naked kung fu. Some things you cannot unsee.

• Jennifer Jareau : The unsub could hold a grudge against accomplished women, especially if he feels inferior.

  Dr. Spencer Reid : You know, the unemployment rate in Virginia is only 3.7%. But if he's out of work, he might resent them for being better educated or making more money.

  Dr. Tara Lewis : And you also need to throw rejection into the mix. I mean, this guy could be a jilted lover or feel frustrated by the type of woman he thinks he can't get.

  Emily Prentiss : Garcia, any luck finding a connection between these women?

  Penelope Garcia : Nothing on social media.

  David Rossi : Were any of the dating or in a relationship?

  Penelope Garcia : Not that I can see. They haven't posted, you know, any typical romantic pics with a boyfriend or girlfriend.

• Penelope Garcia : In the last five years, there have been two dozen missing person cases, mostly runaways, and young females.

  Emily Prentiss : So we have two waves of abductions: teen runaways and accomplished women. Dr. Childs was an obstetrician. What if some of the other runaways were pregnant?

  Jennifer Jareau : Joanna said Chrissy was cleaning up her act before she disappeared. What if she was pregnant, too? Garcia, can you...

  Penelope Garcia : In the flashiest of flashes, yes, I can. Uh... yeah, here's a medical chart from a downtown free clinic. Chrissy was pregnant. Two months, to be exact.

  Jennifer Jareau : Okay, I get the unsub taking teen runaways. He probably figured fewer people would be looking for them. But why go out of his way to abduct pregnant ones?

  Emily Prentiss : And what happened to the babies?

• Penelope Garcia : Police IDed the latest victim. Paige Burrell.

  Emily Prentiss : Paige is 35, single. Guys, she's a pediatrician.

  David Rossi : The unsub lost a doctor, so he took a doctor. A one-for-one-swap.

  Matt Simmons : But he still needs a doctor's specific skill set.

  Luke Alvez : Which means that our missing women and their children are still alive.

• David Rossi : The unsub's probably been stockpiling provisions, weapons, and other supplies for years.

  Emily Prentiss : That would take a lot of research and planning. Garcia, what kind of online presence do preppers have?

  Penelope Garcia : They're a bunch of chatty Cathys. There's a plethora of chat rooms, podcasts, websites, all about Tee-Ought-Walk-Kee. Uh, that's what they call "The end of the world as we know it".

  Luke Alvez : What do they talk about?

  Penelope Garcia : Everything from food storage tips to basic first aid, best place to get a gas mask, places to live that won't be affected by climate change. Website here that tells preppers they should get corrective eye surgery.

  David Rossi : That makes sense. If you were to lose or break your glasses when the Earth is laid bare, something tells me it would be hard to find a LensCrafters.

  Penelope Garcia : It's like that episode in "The Twilight Zone".

  Emily Prentiss : Garcia.

  Penelope Garcia : Oh, I'm digressing.

• Emily Prentiss : Do a search of the metro D.C. area for men who fall into both the survivalist and prepper camps.

  Penelope Garcia : Okay. Preppers love their firewalls, but it's no match for moi. 110 names.

  Luke Alvez : And what about ones that live in Virginia?

  Penelope Garcia : Seventy. Next player.

  Emily Prentiss : Do any of them own a black van?

  Penelope Garcia : Negative.

  Matt Simmons : Well, technical people usually view risk mathematically. Garcia, filter the list for accountants, engineers, math teachers, and... computer techs.

  Penelope Garcia : Okay, I'm filtering this through my digital colander. Nicely done. Twenty names.

• Emily Prentiss : So, for the past five years, this guy's been amassing food, water, medical supplies, air filtration materials, weapons, and ammo.

  Penelope Garcia : Oh, that's, like, all of them.

  [getting a result] 

  Penelope Garcia : Whoa, Nelly.

  Emily Prentiss : What is it?

  Penelope Garcia : I found a civil engineer, Lawrence Coleman. He's bought all of those things, but also chloroform is on his shopping list.

  David Rossi : Does he show any interest in the doomsday clock?

  Penelope Garcia : Obsessed is more like it.

• Luke Alvez : Preppers typically plan to shelter in place, bug in. Which means that they want to ride out any bad situation at home.

  David Rossi : What if they can't?

  Luke Alvez : Then they bug out and they go to secret locations in remote areas.

  Matt Simmons : Well, if Coleman is keeping the women and kids all in one place, it would have to be a really big space.

  Penelope Garcia : I got a home and a work address for him, and also he has rented multiple storage locations in the last five years.

  Emily Prentiss : You know what to do.

  Penelope Garcia : Yeah. Sent it to your phones.

• Jennifer Jareau : Hey, Emily, Coleman's not here.

  Emily Prentiss : We've all hit dead ends.

  David Rossi : We know he has a willing partner driving the van. She's one of the early victims who bought into his paranoia. She may be the key.

  Emily Prentiss : Garcia, check for women who communicated with Coleman online. Look for anyone who shared his fervor about the end of days.

  Penelope Garcia : Fervor, female, doomsday. Got it. Oh, looks like there's a lid for every pot. Even the crackpots.

• Penelope Garcia : Coleman had beaucoup prepper ladies who were willing to share more than their canned meat with him.

  David Rossi : Was one as obsessed as Coleman?

  Penelope Garcia : That would be Irene Jacobs. She lives in Culpeper, Virginia. She works as a substance abuse counselor at New Dawn Outreach Center. And... booyah, she drives a black van.

  Jennifer Jareau : Joanna Miller mentioned her sister was seeing a counselor.

  Penelope Garcia : Yeah. Chrissy Miller was one of her patients.

  Jennifer Jareau : Which was how Coleman found out she was pregnant. What about Kylie Pritchard and some of the other missing teens?

  Penelope Garcia : Jinkies. It's like Irene was spoon-feeding Coleman his victims.

  Emily Prentiss : They trusted her and she betrayed them. We need addresses.

• Penelope Garcia : Oh, my gosh, I was so worried about you guys being in that bunker. It made me very claustrophobic. We need to look for an even bigger apartment for me. Even bigger.

  Jennifer Jareau : Mm, sure. We can look tomorrow.

• Dr. Tara Lewis : It looks like the next victim after Dr. Childs was abducted during a home invasion

  Penelope Garcia : Yes, Diane Pearl, 26, a school teacher

  Matt Simmons : [reading]  2013, a side door was jammed, setting off an home alarm at 11.52 PM. Nothing was taken

  David Rossi : Nothing, but Diane...

• Penelope Garcia : [talking to all her desk toys]  Hello Friends. I have an announcement. I don't think any of you all have been in love and any of you seem inanimate , but you witnessed all the icky I deal with and it makes momentous. I want to thank you, and you and you and you...

  [stops when Emily walks in, pretending she is very busy]