- Jason Mendoza: No, no! Homies! Check it, 'cause there's something messed up with this place. We keep fighting with each other, none of the TVs get the NFL Red Zone Channel, my soulmate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is. I know this sounds crazy, but... I think we're in the Bad Place.
- Michael: Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts. Ow.
- [snaps his fingers to reset]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: This is the Bad Place. I forking knew it! And clam chowder is disgusting. It's just hot ocean milk with dead animal croutons.
- Chidi Anagonye: What-what do we do? Panic? Freak? I usually panic, but I am happy to freak.
- Mindy St. Claire: Do you have anything I can snort, like a crushed-up aspirin, or some eye shadow, or cocaine?
- Mindy St. Claire: You always end up going back. I mean, sometimes you go back because you feel bad your friends don't know what you know. Sometimes you go back because you walk in on me while I'm masturbating, and sometimes you go back because I walk in on you while I'm masturbating. But no matter what, you always go back.
- Janet: No, no, no, no, Michael! Please, please! Please don't kill me. I have so much to live for.
- Michael: I'm sorry, Janet. Gotta re-boot you every time I start over.
- Janet: Oh, I know. I'm not actually upset. It's just the automatic fail-safe mechanism that kicks in every time you approach the plunger. Go ahead.
- [he moves to press it]
- Janet: Michael, you monster!
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I've only ever said "I love you" to two men my entire life. Stone Cold Steve Austin, and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin. I mean, why would you show me that?
- Mindy St. Claire: I don't know. You guys are, like, trapped here together. I feel bad. You know, I'm rooting for you guys.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No, there is no "us guys". We basically just met each other.
- Mindy St. Claire: No, Eleanor. You guys have known each other a really long time. Also, it doesn't matter if I told you that or not, because when Michael finds out he's failed again, he'll just reboot you.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Chidi, Janet, we're leaving!
- [taking the tape from the VCR]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I am taking this with me.
- Mindy St. Claire: [sarcastic] Oh, no. It's my only copy. Don't.
- Chidi Anagonye: Michael, what do we do here?
- Michael: I don't know. Apparently, the Bad Place knows one of you actually belongs down there with them, and they want that person to get inside the obelisk, or they're gonna take all of you.
- Jason Mendoza: I can't go! I'm too young to die! And too old to eat off the kids' menu! What a stupid age I am!
- Eleanor Shellstrop: How many times have Chidi and I slept together?
- Mindy St. Claire: Eight different days, but, like, twenty different sessions.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: And how many times did we say... that stuff?
- Mindy St. Claire: Oh, only once. Oh, God, I hated it. It, like, really killed the vibe for me. See, after I watched the porno I made starring you, I watched you talk about your feelings to cool down. It's like anti-porn.
- Michael: How did it come to this? I was just trying to do something innovative and different that would improve the way we make humans' lives miserable for eternity.
- Jason Mendoza: Hmm. Well...
- Michael: Shut up. What are my options? Do I have any? I mean, I can't go along with her plan. It'll be a spectacular failure. But I can't ignore her, or she'll rat me out to Shawn. I'm trapped.
- Jason Mendoza: You're saying a lot of words right now, and I only know some of them, like "rat" and "Jason". But I know a little wisdom I can give you.
- Michael: I know everything that happened in your life, and it was all stupid, so I highly doubt that.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I know it says here that we already tried throwing Tahani under the bus, but maybe we should revisit that. Throw her a little harder. Maybe under a bigger bus. What do you think?
- Chidi Anagonye: I think this is pointless. We're trapped in a warped version of Nietzsche's eternal recurrence.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [sarcastic] Oh, cool! More philosphy! That'll help us.
- Chidi Anagonye: Well, don't you see the problem? We are experiencing karma, but we can't learn from our mistakes because our memories keep getting erased. It's an epistomological nightmare.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Ugh! Even your nightmares are boring.
- Chidi Anagonye: You are so mean, Eleanor. You're just like those childhood bullies who said I would never get tenure.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: And you are so irritating! In one of these reboots, I probably strangled you and then went to the Even Worse Place. But you know what? I bet it was worth it.
- [first lines]
- Michael: This is daily notes log for attempt number three of my neighborhood experiment. Obviously, I hope and assume this will be the final version. No, I know it will be. All the kinks have been worked out. This is the one. And after I pull this off, they're gonna hang my picture in the Bad Place Hall of Fame, right next to the guy who invented bees with teeth.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: We have to stay cool. As my mom always used to say, if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack, there's always something you can gnaw through.
- Chidi Anagonye: Your mom always said that?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Hey, robot slave lady? Busty Alexa? Oh, Janet?
- Janet: [appearing] Hi, there.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [gasping in surprise] Still not used to it.
- Michael: Vicky, let's look at the big picture here. Now, if you all can just stick with my plan and we pull it off, we'll be heroes. You could write your own ticket. You might even land the Jared from Subway account.
- Vicky: Yeah. But I don't think you can pull it off. You can't even pull off those bowties.
- Michael: [covering his bowtie protectively] That was very mean.
- Vicky: You're gonna reboot those four dum-dums one more time, and then I'm taking over. I'm going to execute my version of this neighborhood. You see, I've been working on it while all of your versions fell apart.
- Michael: This is insubordination. And if you do not do what I tell you immediately, you are going down.
- Vicky: [dropping a folder on his desk] That's a complete report of every mistake you've made. Every screw-up, every reboot, all laid out in excruciating detail. Now, I'm sure your boss would love to hear all about how "attempt number two" is really going. So, actually, if you don't do what I say, you're going down.
- [affecting an Australian acccent]
- Vicky: Down under.
- Chidi Anagonye: So, Aristotle believes your character is voluntary, because... uh, are you ignoring me right now? It's day two of our ethics lessons, and you're already tuning out?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No, sorry. I just got distracted for a second. The last thing I remember you saying is... nothing. Can you start from the beginning?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Your sick torture plan is not working, okay? 'Cause we keep figuring out your little puzzle. We're winning, which means you're losing. So you have two choices here, buddy: keep failing over and over or realize we're actually the ones with all the power here.
- Michael: Yeah, no, uh... We're on the same page.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: What?
- Michael: I want to team up with you guys.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: What? Why? You do? What?