- Raj Koothrappali: Dude! Why didn't you call me?
- Howard Wolowitz: Well, the only way that I would see my son for the first time and immediately think "I need to call Raj" is if he came out brown.
- Sheldon Cooper: [denying he watched "La La Land" four times] See, see. Look at my Netflix queue. There's two documentaries and the movie "Friends with Benefits", which I thought was a documentary about employer health care plans.
- Howard Wolowitz: I can't believe her. She knows I don't want to name the baby after her dad.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: What did you want to name him?
- Howard Wolowitz: I don't know. We were gonna wait until we saw what he looked like.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, it's a baby. Her dad's a wrinkly bald man. That wasn't gonna break your way.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, if it's not Michael, then what do you want to name him?
- Howard Wolowitz: Harry? Like Potter or Houdini.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: It doesn't bother you that I have an old boyfriend named Harry?
- Howard Wolowitz: Okay. How 'bout Al or Max or... Ted or Kevin?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Same answer.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: What about Paul?
- Howard Wolowitz: Paul. Paul Wolowitz. I like it.
- Raj Koothrappali: Ooh, like "Koothra-Paul-i".
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, you ruined it.
- Sheldon Cooper: All right, that moves us on to the tactical shipping phase. Penny, I believe as logistics commander, that's you.
- Penny Hofstadter: Okay.
- [waving a white napkin]
- Penny Hofstadter: I surrender.
- Sheldon Cooper: Nice try, Penny. It takes more than everybody not enjoying it to stop a game with Sheldon Cooper.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Beginning the play of The Campaign for North Africa] First we must roll to figure out the weather.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's the desert. Isn't it supposed to be hot?
- Sheldon Cooper: [holds up the "hold on" finger, rolls the dice, then checks one thing in the manual, then holds up the "hold on" finger again, rolls the dice again, then looks at another page in the manual sideways, appearing to read a couple of lines quickly, then] Yes.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So, any day now.
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I don't know. We went to the doctor this morning, and she said it could still be another week or two.
- Raj Koothrappali: How's Bernadette holding up?
- Howard Wolowitz: It's pretty rough. She's having a hard time.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why are you smiling?
- Howard Wolowitz: I had sex twice last night.
- Raj Koothrappali: That's not fair! She's on bed rest. She can't run away.
- Howard Wolowitz: It was her idea. She read that it can start labor.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hmm. Is that true?
- Howard Wolowitz: Well, I would have Googled it, but I was busy taking my pants off.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm sorry this is on such short notice.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hey, I just wish I could be there when you present it.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: That's okay. It's more important that you spend time with Michael.
- Howard Wolowitz: Who's Michael?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Uh, your son?
- Howard Wolowitz: No, it's not. My son doesn't have a name yet.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, well, then Bernadette's son.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hey, Bernadette, it's your turn. Penny's air force is strafing your supply line in Tobruk.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: We're kind of busy.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh. 'Kay. But you're being pretty rude. Everyone did come over to play this game with you.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, we're talking about something important here.
- Sheldon Cooper: Fine. If you pick a baby name, can we get back to playing?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sure.
- Sheldon Cooper: All right, here we go. Ranatanata.
- Raj Koothrappali: You can't name him Ranatanata.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, right, it's a boy. That'd be ridiculous. What about Ozymandias?
- Penny Hofstadter: Are you making these up or having a stroke?
- Sheldon Cooper: Guys, wake up. Terrible news.
- Penny Hofstadter: Oh, my god. What, what, what? Is it the baby?
- Sheldon Cooper: No. No, no, we miscalculated our unassigned armor class units. We need to start over.
- Raj Koothrappali: What?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no, no, no, not from the beginning. Just from when the tanks started moving.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That was five hours ago.
- Sheldon Cooper: [checking his watch] Mm, no. No, that was two hours ago. It only feels like five.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, what'd you name him?
- Howard Wolowitz: Neil Michael. Neil for Armstrong, Gaiman, and Diamond. Michael because Bernie had to get six stitches.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Neil, that's cute.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [off screen] But we're calling him Michael!
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm not gonna fight her. That kid's head was the size of a cantaloupe.
- Raj Koothrappali: [He, Penny, and Leonard show up at Howard and Bernadette's house. He's holding a bag of food carriers] Hey guys. I brought Chinese.
- Penny Hofstadter: [Indicating Raj with her hands] And I brought Indian.
- Penny Hofstadter: [Trying to get Bernadette to do some yoga with her] We go down.
- [Penny squats down effortlessly, while Bernadette tries using the chair for assistance]
- Penny Hofstadter: Then back up.
- [She comes back up, but Bernadette is stuck]
- Penny Hofstadter: And back up!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah, hearing you is not the problem.
- [Penny gets her cell phone and points it at Bernadette]
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: What are you doing? Put that thing away.
- Penny Hofstadter: Smile.
- [Click. The picture makes Bernadette look like she's going #2]
- Howard Wolowitz: Honey, babies don't always come on their due date. Halley was two weeks late.
- [seeing her expression]
- Howard Wolowitz: But this baby's a boy. They don't take as long to get ready.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: What are you doing?
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm making the situation better with humor.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you?
- Howard Wolowitz: Would you rather me make it better with magic?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Go back to sleep.
- Howard Wolowitz: Ta-da!
- [he flops back onto his pillow]
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [after a moment of silence] You know, I hear that sex can induce labor.
- Howard Wolowitz: [popping back up] Anything for my family.
- Sheldon Cooper: I believe today is Bernadette's due date.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. How do you know that?
- Sheldon Cooper: Easy. Forty weeks from the date of her last period.
- Howard Wolowitz: And why do you know that?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, excuse me for taking an interest in people.
- Sheldon Cooper: Not to brag, but Amy's last birthday brought my coital tally up to four.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Whatever you're doing, it's not bragging.
- Penny Hofstadter: Hey, Bernie, it's me. I let myself in.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [sitting on the stairs] Hey.
- Penny Hofstadter: What are you doing? I thought you were supposed to be on bed rest.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's done, but I've been on stair rest for the last forty-five minutes.
- Penny Hofstadter: Here, let me help you.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Penny helps her stand up] Yeah. If you really want to help, put on a rubber glove, reach on up there and start pulling.
- Penny Hofstadter: I know you're joking, but I grew up on a farm. I'll do it.
- Penny Hofstadter: You know, when my yoga instructor was pregnant, she told me there are tons of poses that put her right into labor.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'll try, but I feel like bendy poses are what got me into this mess.
- Raj Koothrappali: I'm telling you, there's an acupressure point right above your ankle that can induce contractions.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: All right, but just a warning. My feet are a little swollen.
- Raj Koothrappali: Oh, please, Bernadette. I'm sure this... okay.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: What?
- Raj Koothrappali: Nothing. Your ankles look fine, and not at all like I just popped open a can of crescent rolls.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Let me guess. You're here to try to get me to go into labor.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. I-I'm disgusted when people sneeze, and that's just stuff coming out of their nose. No. I am here to sit with you and keep you company.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, that's nice.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, by playing the most complicated board game ever invented: "Campaign for North Africa". I bought it off eBay. It smells a little like chili, but all the pieces are there.
- Howard Wolowitz: Michael? Really, you think we're naming him Michael?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not now, Howard. I'm in the middle of a game.
- Sheldon Cooper: You wish. You are hundreds of hours away from the middle.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: You know what, maybe we should go.
- Howard Wolowitz: Did you have another contraction?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: No. I'm just worried that Sheldon's gonna say "mucus plug" again.
- Sheldon Cooper: And I'm worried one's gonna hit me in the eye.
- Howard Wolowitz: How you feeling?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Eh. But I am really excited to meet our son.
- Howard Wolowitz: Me, too. I thought I'd be super freaked out. But I'm ready for this. Well, not the part where you're in labor and you squeeze my fingers 'till they turn blue.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [sarcastic] I'm sorry. That must be really painful for you.
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm sorry I tried to sneak the name past you.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's okay.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm sorry I used up so many good names in college. I was really competitive with my roommate.
- Howard Wolowitz: Forget about it. Please.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I've always liked the name Elliott.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry, can't have it. That's my boy name.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I said it first.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's not like calling dibs.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes, it is. It's exactly like that. Dibs on Elliott.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I-I'm just saying we might get there first. You only have sex once a year. I'll probably have sex tonight.
- [Penny gives him a weird look]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Fine, you can have Elliott.
- Howard Wolowitz: You okay?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Uh, I think that was a contraction.
- Howard Wolowitz: Is it time? Do we need to go the hospital?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: No. We've been through this before. My water hasn't even broken yet.
- Sheldon Cooper: Never mind your water. Has your mucus plug popped out?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Ew, no!
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, you're right. We probably would've heard that.
- Penny Hofstadter: It's not a champagne cork. Although, that would be festive.
- [first lines]
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howie. Howie, wake up. It's time.
- Howard Wolowitz: [waking up] Oh. Did your water break?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: No.
- Howard Wolowitz: Are you feeling any contractions?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: No.
- Howard Wolowitz: [she starts to climb out of bed] Wait. Well, where are you going?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: To the hospital. Today's my due date, and this crap needs to end now.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Hey, guys.
- Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali: Hey.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hey, I was just talking about you.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, should I ask?
- Leonard Hofstadter: You should not.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm trying to get our grant proposal together. Any chance you've finished those mechanical drawings?
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, sorry. I was gonna do it last night, but I got kind of busy.
- Raj Koothrappali: [winking] Yeah, you did.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: What are they talking about?
- Sheldon Cooper: I'll give you a hint. It's something that we have done four times.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Watched "La La Land"?
- Sheldon Cooper: What? No. No. I've not watched "La La Land" four times. If you find the soundtrack on my phone, that just 'cause our iTunes accounts are linked.
- Penny Hofstadter: Okay, we're gonna start with some nice breathing exercises.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sorry. I can't think of anything except how flat your belly is.
- Penny Hofstadter: Oh, thank you.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Go put on some more clothes, you bitch.
- Leonard Hofstadter: My mother believes that if you're not prepared mentally, it can delay your body from going into labor.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: So what are you trying to say? It's my fault?
- Leonard Hofstadter: [dodging] Raj is crazy. Your ankles aren't that gross.
- Howard Wolowitz: Are there any engineers on the grant committe?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't know. Why?
- Howard Wolowitz: I didn't have time to figure out the three-input hydraulic manifold, so this diagram is really just the flux capacitor from "Back to the Future."
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [seeing "Campaign for North Africa" all laid out] Aw, come on!
- Sheldon Cooper: Welcome to the next five to eight weeks of your life.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon, I said I didn't want to play your game.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, then don't think of it as a game. Think of it as a source of information about one of the lesser-known campaigns of World War II.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [sarcastic] You're right. That's so much better.
- Sheldon Cooper: I know, right?
- Howard Wolowitz: [Storming into the kitchen] I can't believe you're trying to hijack our son's name.
- [seeing she isn't there]
- Howard Wolowitz: Bernie?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [From the other room] This is as fast as I can move! Calm down!
- Howard Wolowitz: So you're just gonna name him Michael? Were you even gonna tell me?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I told you.
- Howard Wolowitz: When?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, right. That was Amy.
- Howard Wolowitz: I don't want to name our son after your father.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I didn't want to say this, but he's dying.
- Howard Wolowitz: He is?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Eventually. I mean, you see the way the man eats.
- Howard Wolowitz: Okay, is this the hormones, or have you always been a lunatic?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't even know anymore.
- Howard Wolowitz: Bernie, this is our kid's name. I think we should both agree.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: You're right. We both made this baby.
- Howard Wolowitz: Thank you.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: And I carried it, had to stay in bed for four months, sacrificed my body and my job, and soon it's gonna burst its way out of me like the Kool-Aid Man.
- Howard Wolowitz: Exactly. Fifty/fifty.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I think I got Bernadette in trouble. Maybe we should go.
- Sheldon Cooper: I... I can't. She and I are playing "Campaign for North Africa".
- Amy Farrah Fowler: She doesn't want to play that.
- Sheldon Cooper: Neither did the Egyptians, but that didn't stop Rommel.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: What are you guys doing here?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, Sheldon texted and said Bernadette wanted us all to come over.
- Sheldon Cooper: [seeing her expression] The game's best with five to ten players.
- Sheldon Cooper: Bernadette, it's your turn.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: What about Greg?
- Sheldon Cooper: All right, I'll just roll for you.
- [he does so]
- Sheldon Cooper: Ooh! That is a good one! Your troops' morale rating is pretty high. Now, Leonard, as the defender, we need to subtract your morale rating from Bernadette's to get a final adjusted morale rating for the assault. And I will just check the assault differential column. Ooh! Who said war was hell? Yeah, that's a rhetorical question. Sherman said it.
- Raj Koothrappali: What about Sherman? Like, Sherman Wolowitz.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, that's a kid who's gonna take his mother to prom.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Hey, Howard, you did that, right?
- Howard Wolowitz: I didn't take her. She chaperoned. We slow-danced once.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Some people name their kids after places.
- Howard Wolowitz: Like what, Walla Walla Wolowitz?
- Sheldon Cooper: If you think that is better than Ozymandias Wolowitz, then you have been breathing in the poisonous gas that my troops illegally dispersed.
- Penny Hofstadter: When did you pick out our kids' names?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Remember that day you moved into the building?
- Penny Hofstadter: Yes.
- Leonard Hofstadter: A non-creepy amount of time after that.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, I like the name Elliott. That wasn't on my list, but I like it.
- Raj Koothrappali: We've heard your names. They're ridiculous. And I have a cousin named Dilip.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You've thought about our kids?
- Sheldon Cooper: Of course. I think you and I will have exceptional children.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Aw. Well, I think so, too.
- Raj Koothrappali: How many kids do you guys want?
- Sheldon Cooper: Fifteen.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Two.
- [giving him a weird look]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: What?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, don't worry. I don't expect you to bear them all. I'm sure we can find a suitable uterus to rent.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [they both turn to glance at Penny] No!
- Penny Hofstadter: Uh-uh!
- Raj Koothrappali: Dude! Why didn't you call me?
- Raj Koothrappali: Well, the only way that I would see my son for the first time and immediately think "I need to call Raj" is if he came out brown.