- Chloe Decker: What is going on here? And how did you get that horse?
- Lucifer Morningstar: [from atop a horse] What horse?
- Amenadiel: You see, Father wants me to just... To just be there for you. To have your back. Now that you're evolving.
- Lucifer Morningstar: There was this, ah, soul that I used to torture back in Hell. And like a good masochist, he'd call the shots. "Burn me. Freeze me. Hurt me." So, I did. And this went on for centuries. Until, one day, for some reason, he missed his daily punishment. And when I returned, he was crying. "Please, my king," he said, "Don't ever forget me again. I promise I'll be good." It was then that I realized he was so full of self-loathing, void of any self-respect, that no matter the depth of my cruelty, whatever minuscule attention I paid, gave meaning to his... pointless existence.
- Amenadiel: Why are you telling me this?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Because he reminds me of you. And you think I've changed? You, the former angel, powerless and pathetic, a disgraced failure with no better way to spend your days than yipping at my heels for scraps to remind you of a time of when you once mattered?
- Amenadiel: Hm. I know what you're doing. And you can kill the messenger if you must. But just know that I am here for you.
- Lucifer Morningstar: What is it you all desire?
- Carly Glantz: Get rich.
- Firehawk Girl #1: Instagram model.
- Bonehead Bobby: Be my own boss.
- Firehawk Kid: Play video games!
- Colin: My father's love.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Urgh.
- Lucifer Morningstar: What are you so upset about? I mean, it was a valuable teaching moment for the children. They are our future, after all.
- Chloe Decker: You're teaching them to grow drugs!
- Lucifer Morningstar: No, no, no, I'm teaching them to *sell* drugs.
- Lucifer Morningstar: All right, first off, a... a makeover. Clothes. Shoes. Here's an idea, try smiling.
- [Amenadiel pulls an awkward grin]
- Lucifer Morningstar: Right. We can work on that.
- Judge: Who the hell do you think you are?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Lucifer Morningstar, Your Honor. My apologies. I had no idea I was dealing with a man of such stature. In my defense, when we came in last night, I was blindfolded by your wife's underwear.
- Lucifer Morningstar: We're surrounded by ne'er-do-wells, and he thinks the culprit came from the outside. Delusional.
- [Looks at group of teens]
- Lucifer Morningstar: Killer's obviously here.
- [Points]
- Lucifer Morningstar: Probably him. Shifty eyes.
- [Spots red-head]
- Lucifer Morningstar: Or... no, sorry... her. The ginger... She's got that "I like to watch the life drain out of people" look.
- Dan Espinoza: When I heard the charges, I mean...
- Amenadiel: Listen, we had just performed the act of love, and then she demanded money. At first, I assumed it was for bus fare, but then she wanted quite a large amount. And then her cousin showed up, who shared very little familial resemblance, by the way, and then he also demanded money.
- Marcus Pierce: Well done, Lucifer. Way to be a good influence.
- Lucifer Morningstar: How dare you say that!
- Lucifer Morningstar: Go. Release your inner Devil.
- Amenadiel: But what should I do first?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, I don't know. Get laid.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Rest easy. I'm not a thief. Your valuables are untouched. Unless, of course, you consider your wife a "valuable". In that case, I've touched her several times. Twice this morning.
- Lucifer Morningstar: You curtail the free will of these rebellious souls by making them follow your rules, and then you trick them into thinking they've changed by giving them wings? A most vile manipulation. And completely unoriginal, I might add.
- Lucifer Morningstar: What's your deepest, darkest fantasy?
- Lexy: To have sex in the ball pit at a Chuck E. Cheese.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Not what I was expecting.
- Tyson Chase: [after Lucifer speeds them to the edge of a cliff] I don't want to die! I'll come with you, tell you anything!
- Lucifer Morningstar: Smells like you might need a change of underpants first, Tyson.
- Carly Glantz: It was dark, and I was looking through a window. Geez, do I have to do all your work for you?
- Mr. Glantz: Carly, tone.
- Carly Glantz: Should I roll over and fetch, too, Dad?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Parents. Am I right?
- Jerry Blackcrow: Taking care of your gear is the sixth stepping stone on the Firehawk Path to healing.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Ah, is stepping stone seven, "Use said gear to kill someone you hate"?
- Lucifer Morningstar: I grant you... entrée to all things me. And give me your phone.
- Amenadiel: Okay.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Right. Now you have access to all my social media accounts: Instagram, Snapchat, Grindr...