"Eva über Bord" is a German television movie from 2017, so this one is slightly over three years and three months old now. The writer and director is Peter Gersina and he is a prime example when it comes to proof that quantity does not equal quality: a very prolific filmmaker for over 20 years now, but there is almost nothing creative or worth seeing in his big body of work. Normally I would say it is a good thing when a director writes his own movie (and it is more of an exception when it comes to German small screen releases), but in this case here, it only shows that there is no excuse at all because you cannot say it was impossible for Gersina to direct this towards good quality because another writer messed up the story. It was all him. And what he came up with here is an abomination. This is also true when it comes to the cast. What is most despicable about it all is probably that Malaysians must have a really bad opinion about German film right now if that is what they see linked to their country. And sadly, at least partially they are correct because they are many many German films with such low quality, admittedly not many as bad as this one here, but still pretty bad. As for the cast, the inclusion of Stephan Luca is never a good sign for a film because he is really the epitome of a hunky handsome actor who has virtually no range and versatility. So it is really telling that nonetheless he almost looked like Al Pacino next to lead actress Julia Hartmann here. This should not come as a surprise to anybody either though because everything I have seen Hartmann in so far (maybe 10 projects), was ridiculously bad. She is the epitome of an actress (or "actress") who is somewhat attractive, but could not properly act a scene if her life depended on it. And that is especially true for this film even because there are several scenes when her character is in serious danger. But what was perhaps the most disgusting thing here is that they actually wanted to teach us a lesson in the importance of research (several inclusions) and investigative journalism with her embarrassing character. The sad news is that Hartmann is probably even more lead than Luca, has slightly more screen time, even if most of the time they share the screen together. The best (or worst) example in terms of her complete absence of talent happens right at the very start when we see a little preview sequence in which her character runs through the jungle and as if the shirt is not bad enough already (not funny, sorry), what really makes this sequence hard to stomach is the actress' voice-over. It became clear immediately that this was dommed right from the start. How could she be so bad when she did not even have to combine physical acting and talking?
One slightly unusual thing about this film is that it runs for 100 minutes and normally these German romance-centered television movies run for 90 or slightly under, 88 is the rule or so. Or in general, you could say German television movies because it is also true for the more dramatic ones. And almost always true for the bad ones. So not nice we have to sit through another ten minutes here. No idea why they did that. There were many irrelevant scenes and moments Gersina easily could have cut, like basically all the comedy really. They tried so hard, but this is not a film that will make you laugh. Oh wait, it's not true. It did make me laugh, namely during the scene with the hallucinations from the mushrooms because that one was indeed so bad that it was funny already, even if I am not sure it wwas intended that way. That's the only one. Other really bad scenes include the one with the taxi driver early on and there is no way any Asian taxi driver would refuse to keep driving because of nonsense like this. And as if that was not bad enough already, they used this idea later on at least once more why natives would be scared of her. Shockingly bad. One very brief moment, but also one that summarizes the film perfectly is the scene when the two are about to have sex and we see the exotic bird make these strange moves to imply what they are doing. This was probably the most cringeworthy moment I have seen in a long time in a movie and I have seen a lot. So yes, they also messed up the component of at least inclusing some breathtaking animal footage that certainly existed where the majority of the film is set. Not surprised though. In terms of nature recordings, it feels as bland and is as much of a failure as it is from every other perspective. What else sucked? Oh right, the moments when Luca's character keeps beating up one pirate after the next. I actually felt bad for the actor there. Of course, they are also all armed, but for some reason keep misfiring, lose their guns and are eventually knocked out by the male protagonist. This mess wwe have here actually shows how much of an achievement these Bud Spencer and Terence Hill comedies are because there it is downright entertaining. Here it is just messy. One positive thing (or slightly positive) I cann say though about this movie is that they were not scared of including gunfire and also, even if totally not graphic at all, we see people being shot. Then again, this was probably just Gersina's clumsy attempt at turning this into a "different" film than what you usually see on television here, just like the additional 12 minutes. It feels extremely for the sake of it all.
Oh yeah and there is one moment of utter stupidity, namely towards the end when Luca's character is captured: At the same time, Hartmann's flies away in a balloon and the bad guys all stand there with each of them having a gun. Yet not a single one of them shoots the balloon, so she cannot fly away. They act as if she is flying away in a helicopter when she is just 5 feet above the ground. I have honestly no idea whyt they were thinking there. "They" is Gersina once again I suppose, but honestly everybody on set must have seen these. I think every school kid would have seen it and simply shot the balloon. Unreal stuff. Again. And finally, I want to mention one recurring inclusion that caught my attention, namely how several times the camera focuses on Hartmann's character's butt and how Luca's character is looking at it. Utter cringe there as well. I am really not anybody who screams "Sexism!" on the very first occasion, but that was truly disrespectful. What is even more ironic is that Hartmann promotes women's rights on her facebook page. Double standards galore. Cannot say I am surprised though. Everything about her seems to be about make-believe, most of all how she is pretending to be an actress. But this specific inclusion and then how she acts as if she cares about women's rights is highly despicable. What is equally despicable from a filmmaking perspective is how we are supposed to believe towards the end that she turned into some Lara Croft character and sneaks in taking out one of the guards and (halfway) frees Luca's character. Of course, she has nothing better to do there than kiss him. I mean why not. It is not as if it is a life-threatening situation they are in. What is just as ridiculous is the revelation about another character being a bad guy too (of course she knew through her reasearch!). What is equally ridiculous is how the police shows up the same second they are caught. What is equally ridiculous is how one supporting character fires a shot eventually to save them when said new antagonist still is about to shoot them. No comment either on the revelation of Luca's character's actual job. And if you thought this was bad already, wait till Hartmann starts stuttering about how he did all that, had s-s-sex with her only to get a particular item for an insurer. Oh yeah and don't even get me started about the first meeting between the two lovebirds, which happens during the taxi sequence I mentioned earlier. Very unrealistic coincidence there too how they end up on the same boat not much later. Or how are we even supposed to believe that Luca's character is interested in her when he is clearly annoyed by her for the first hour. And rightfully annoyed because she just won't shut up. Also she felt pretty bipolar to me. One scene she is crying so hard and a second later, she has a bright smile on her face enjoying the fresh sea air. Although I don't think that was intended to give her character some depth, but just that nobody was really thinking about it. Overall, I think you get the message.. This film is an abomination. Disgraceful and this is what happens when a German television filmmaker with no talent whatsoever tries to make something à la Captain Phillips. With an equally untalented cast. It almost felt as if Luca was channeling his inner Jack Sparrow at times, but of course he came disgracefully short. Nonetheless, once again I must say in his favor that he was nowhere near the catastrophic level Hartmann showed in this movie. Stay far far away and everybody who worked on this one should get a ban before they are allowed to work on or appear in films again and some neutral agency should evaluate them before that to make sure they do not suck as much as they did with this one here. By the way, the title is also a joke. Refers to a scene when she fell into the water early on and he saved her. Really a nothing sequence, although the way how she acts when she falls in was very bad too, but then again nothing sequences are still the best this film has to offer. At least they weren't as catastrophically bad as this film is on most other occasions. Quite a pity, the female protagonist did not die in that quicksand sequence because then at least the film would have been over earlier. That's all.
One slightly unusual thing about this film is that it runs for 100 minutes and normally these German romance-centered television movies run for 90 or slightly under, 88 is the rule or so. Or in general, you could say German television movies because it is also true for the more dramatic ones. And almost always true for the bad ones. So not nice we have to sit through another ten minutes here. No idea why they did that. There were many irrelevant scenes and moments Gersina easily could have cut, like basically all the comedy really. They tried so hard, but this is not a film that will make you laugh. Oh wait, it's not true. It did make me laugh, namely during the scene with the hallucinations from the mushrooms because that one was indeed so bad that it was funny already, even if I am not sure it wwas intended that way. That's the only one. Other really bad scenes include the one with the taxi driver early on and there is no way any Asian taxi driver would refuse to keep driving because of nonsense like this. And as if that was not bad enough already, they used this idea later on at least once more why natives would be scared of her. Shockingly bad. One very brief moment, but also one that summarizes the film perfectly is the scene when the two are about to have sex and we see the exotic bird make these strange moves to imply what they are doing. This was probably the most cringeworthy moment I have seen in a long time in a movie and I have seen a lot. So yes, they also messed up the component of at least inclusing some breathtaking animal footage that certainly existed where the majority of the film is set. Not surprised though. In terms of nature recordings, it feels as bland and is as much of a failure as it is from every other perspective. What else sucked? Oh right, the moments when Luca's character keeps beating up one pirate after the next. I actually felt bad for the actor there. Of course, they are also all armed, but for some reason keep misfiring, lose their guns and are eventually knocked out by the male protagonist. This mess wwe have here actually shows how much of an achievement these Bud Spencer and Terence Hill comedies are because there it is downright entertaining. Here it is just messy. One positive thing (or slightly positive) I cann say though about this movie is that they were not scared of including gunfire and also, even if totally not graphic at all, we see people being shot. Then again, this was probably just Gersina's clumsy attempt at turning this into a "different" film than what you usually see on television here, just like the additional 12 minutes. It feels extremely for the sake of it all.
Oh yeah and there is one moment of utter stupidity, namely towards the end when Luca's character is captured: At the same time, Hartmann's flies away in a balloon and the bad guys all stand there with each of them having a gun. Yet not a single one of them shoots the balloon, so she cannot fly away. They act as if she is flying away in a helicopter when she is just 5 feet above the ground. I have honestly no idea whyt they were thinking there. "They" is Gersina once again I suppose, but honestly everybody on set must have seen these. I think every school kid would have seen it and simply shot the balloon. Unreal stuff. Again. And finally, I want to mention one recurring inclusion that caught my attention, namely how several times the camera focuses on Hartmann's character's butt and how Luca's character is looking at it. Utter cringe there as well. I am really not anybody who screams "Sexism!" on the very first occasion, but that was truly disrespectful. What is even more ironic is that Hartmann promotes women's rights on her facebook page. Double standards galore. Cannot say I am surprised though. Everything about her seems to be about make-believe, most of all how she is pretending to be an actress. But this specific inclusion and then how she acts as if she cares about women's rights is highly despicable. What is equally despicable from a filmmaking perspective is how we are supposed to believe towards the end that she turned into some Lara Croft character and sneaks in taking out one of the guards and (halfway) frees Luca's character. Of course, she has nothing better to do there than kiss him. I mean why not. It is not as if it is a life-threatening situation they are in. What is just as ridiculous is the revelation about another character being a bad guy too (of course she knew through her reasearch!). What is equally ridiculous is how the police shows up the same second they are caught. What is equally ridiculous is how one supporting character fires a shot eventually to save them when said new antagonist still is about to shoot them. No comment either on the revelation of Luca's character's actual job. And if you thought this was bad already, wait till Hartmann starts stuttering about how he did all that, had s-s-sex with her only to get a particular item for an insurer. Oh yeah and don't even get me started about the first meeting between the two lovebirds, which happens during the taxi sequence I mentioned earlier. Very unrealistic coincidence there too how they end up on the same boat not much later. Or how are we even supposed to believe that Luca's character is interested in her when he is clearly annoyed by her for the first hour. And rightfully annoyed because she just won't shut up. Also she felt pretty bipolar to me. One scene she is crying so hard and a second later, she has a bright smile on her face enjoying the fresh sea air. Although I don't think that was intended to give her character some depth, but just that nobody was really thinking about it. Overall, I think you get the message.. This film is an abomination. Disgraceful and this is what happens when a German television filmmaker with no talent whatsoever tries to make something à la Captain Phillips. With an equally untalented cast. It almost felt as if Luca was channeling his inner Jack Sparrow at times, but of course he came disgracefully short. Nonetheless, once again I must say in his favor that he was nowhere near the catastrophic level Hartmann showed in this movie. Stay far far away and everybody who worked on this one should get a ban before they are allowed to work on or appear in films again and some neutral agency should evaluate them before that to make sure they do not suck as much as they did with this one here. By the way, the title is also a joke. Refers to a scene when she fell into the water early on and he saved her. Really a nothing sequence, although the way how she acts when she falls in was very bad too, but then again nothing sequences are still the best this film has to offer. At least they weren't as catastrophically bad as this film is on most other occasions. Quite a pity, the female protagonist did not die in that quicksand sequence because then at least the film would have been over earlier. That's all.
