- Count Olaf: Your cruelty is as sweet as this coffee I'm dumping this sugar into. Georgina, I missed this. You, me, an evil scheme, a little death.
- Dr. Georgina Orwell: La petite mort.
- Count Olaf: You know I love it when you speak Spanish. Let's run away to Europe and find a charming little country to take over.
- Dr. Georgina Orwell: What about the children?
- Count Olaf: Shouldn't we live together first?
- Violet Baudelaire: [reading from book inscription] In every library, there is a single book that can answer the question that burns like a fire in the mind.
- Sir: Call me Sir. Everybody does because I tell them to. I'm the boss. They have to do what I say, even my partner here.
- Klaus Baudelaire: Doesn't "partner" mean "equal"?
- Lemony Snicket: Well, in fact, "partners" can mean several things. It could mean "two people who own a lumbermill together, or a cupcakery." Now, with the advent of more progressive cultural mores, not to mention certain High Court rulings, it could also mean...
- Sir: I do all the work. He irons my clothes.
- Charles: I also cook your omelets.
- Lemony Snicket: The definitions are not mutually exclusive.
- Klaus Baudelaire: In the book The Great Gatsby, there's a famous sign shaped like a pair of eyeglasses.
- Phil: Does it represent an optometrist?
- Klaus Baudelaire: It represents the eyes of God staring down and judging society as a moral wasteland.
- Lemony Snicket: As anyone who's been to a doctor knows, doctors are not necessarily your friends, any more than butchers, mail deliverers, or refrigerator repair people are your friends.
- Dr. Georgina Orwell: You left me to drown.
- Count Olaf: Water under the bridge.
- Dr. Georgina Orwell: That's where you left me.
- Lemony Snicket: "Out of the woods" is an expression referring to the fact that woods are dangerous places to be. In Hansel and Gretel, two siblings enter the woods and are menaced by an elderly cannibal. In Little Red Riding Hood, a wolf enters the woods and is menaced by a rude little girl. In Walden, a poet enters the woods and is menaced by revelations that we should abandon civilization and live by a pond. It is for that reason that "out of the woods" has come to mean "a return to safety, away from menace and disturbing revelations."
- Lemony Snicket: "Optimist" is not to be confused with "optometrist," a word meaning "healthcare professional who performs eye exams." Though both can be dangerous.
- Klaus Baudelaire: If you guys are partners, you should be able to stand up to him.
- Charles: It's complicated. I know Sir can be prickly, but you have to understand, he had a very terrible childhood.
- Klaus Baudelaire: I understand. I'm having a very terrible childhood right now.
- Phil: So where are your parents now?
- Klaus Baudelaire: We're orphans.
- Phil: Lucky you! The unsupervised life. No rules, no curfews.
- [first lines]
- Mr. Poe: [grabbing him by the collar] It's a catastrophe! It's unprecedented! It's off-book! It's unfortunate! The Baudelaires are lost and unsupervised! Do you know what that means?
- Fish Head Salesperson: Without supervision?
- Mr. Poe: Good God, man, you're right! We must act now. We must act without delay. We need... We need... Oh! Oh, my. Oh, my. This is excellent chowder. Mmm, mmm.