- Richard Martinez: Aren't you the one who got caught having sex with a high school student, Miss First?
- Deborah Ward: He looked legal... from the waist down.
- Deborah Ward: I came up with six new ways to get Bianca del Rio fired and out of our lives. All I need is a t-shirt cannon and four live raccoons.
- Mitya: [at the Russian science fair] To light bulb we cut potato in half. Find two coins if you can spare them, two nails from house next door, and a little bit of copper wire. Now, copper wire is easy to fetch from the neighbor because, once you take the two nails, the house falls down.
- Richard Martinez: He's cute.
- Rex: When we get back to the hotel, remind me to go down to the basement and find your standards.
- Richard Martinez: Standards? Coming from you? You're the one that found the sex offender registry and thought it was a dating site.
- Bianca Del Rio: [trying to get a rise out of Rex] Now focus, or I swear to God I will fist you like a muppet!
- Bianca Del Rio: Now, make sure no one's coming, 'cause I gotta take a huge dump, and, boy, is it gonna stink!
- Deborah Ward: I smashed a cockroach up against the wall with my bare hands - and there he was, in the goo, the face of Jesus! And right then I knew I was born again... again.
- Prison Matron: Okay, I don't think that's a thing.
- Deborah Ward: Oh, it is. I baptized myself in the toilet just to be sure.
- Wise-Ass Teen: Isn't Spudnik Russian for potato?
- Richard Martinez: Well, actually, "Sputnik" was launched in 1957. You remember that year - that was the year that your grandmother slept with her uncle and gave birth to your dad-cousin.
- Stephen: Why are you still here?
- Richard Martinez: Well, someone has to teach these inbred twats that the world is older than... those pants.
- Deborah Ward: Is this what you want, a world where freaks and homosexuals get to do whatever they desire? Nuh-uh! I did NOT prey to President Trump every morning to turn this country into a big transgender toilet.
- Deborah Ward: [gasps, spotting Richard/Bianca at the Russian science fair] She's dressed as Richard? How'm I gonna get the police to arrest her if she's just a run-of-the-mill gay-burger without the flame sauce and extra cheese?
- Katya: Shut up! They'll hear you.
- Richard Martinez: What? Are the police still around?
- Katya: No, the rats. Your screech is like a God-damned mating call.
- Richard Martinez: [visiting Rex in a Russian prison] And what are you gonna do if they send you to Siberia and make you eat someone to stay alive?
- Rex: Is he hot?
- Richard Martinez: Focus!
- Bianca Del Rio: [entering a Russian prison] I really like what you've done with the place. It's so drab.
- Russian Door Guard: That's the radiation. We have leaky pipe. Watch step.
- Mitya: Bianca has told me of snake that bitres your boobs off.
- Carly Ward: Yeah.
- Mitya: I know a doctor who can make new again, creamy like mashed potato.
- Carly Ward: YES!
- Mitya: They WILL be mash potato, perhaps a little bit lumpy, but we do our best.
- Carly Ward: Okay. Tater tits. Yeah.