GLOW (TV Series)

Slouch. Submit. (2017)

Marc Maron: Sam Sylvia

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Melrose sits on the top turnbuckle] 

  Melanie Rosen : Adrian! Hey yo, Adrian!

  Sam Sylvia : Rocky! Get down from there. That's right. I came back. Don't all applaud at once.

  [the ladies stand in position in the ring] 

  Sam Sylvia : Okay. Light of day. Who'd I hire? Who are you people?

  [removes jacket] 

  Sam Sylvia : All right. Coming in.

  [Sam enters the ring and nearly loses his balance] 

  Sam Sylvia : Why don't we do this: When I point at you, you tell me your name, and if you have any... special skills or hidden talents, favorite sex positions. All right, who wants to go first?

  [Melrose clears her throat and waves at Sam] 

  Sam Sylvia : Yes, underwear-as-outerwear girl. Hit me.

  [Melrose approaches Sam] 

  Melanie Rosen : Hi, I'm Melanie Rose. Call me Melrose. And my special skill is that I'm not fucking boring. Like, I can wake up in the morning with absolutely nothing to do, and just be in a Van Halen video by the end of the day. Um... Oh, also, uh... Any position with my legs over my head.

  Sam Sylvia : Okay. I dig it. I like the whole 'please objectify me' vibe.

  Melanie Rosen : Thank you.

  Sam Sylvia : Tremendous.

  [Melrose walks back to the corner of the ring] 

  Sam Sylvia : Wolf lady, what's your story?

  Sheila the She-Wolf : Sheila. Sheila. And... I have a very acute sense of smell.

  Sam Sylvia : Yeah? What cologne am I wearing?

  Sheila the She-Wolf : Drakkar Noir.

  Sam Sylvia : Trick question. Not wearing cologne. But I do spray that on my clothes if I forget to do laundry, so you get points for that. Good job.

  Sheila the She-Wolf : Yeah. I love points.

• Sam Sylvia : All right, where's my real actress? Where's Strindberg?

  Ruth Wilder : [raises hand]  Oh, here!

  Sam Sylvia : Mm-hmm.

  Sam Sylvia : Know any good party tricks?

  Ruth Wilder : Um... I can do, um... Audrey Hepburn winning an Oscar for Roman Holiday.

  Sam Sylvia : Hmm.

  Ruth Wilder : [imitating Audrey Hepburn]  I am truly, truly grateful... and terribly happy.

  Sam Sylvia : Very winsome.

  Ruth Wilder : Yeah.

  Sam Sylvia : Where's your friend?

  Ruth Wilder : Oh. Um... who?

  Sam Sylvia : You know, that smoking hot blonde who kicked your ass the other day. Where's she? How come she's not here?

  Ruth Wilder : She's probably at home in Pasadena with her baby.

  Sam Sylvia : Why isn't she here?

  Ruth Wilder : She's not supposed to be here. She wasn't auditioning.

  Tammé Dawson : Yeah, she just came to stomp the homewrecker.

  [silence] 

  Ruth Wilder : Oh! Oh... I see what happened. You all thought that was real, didn't you? No, we planned that.

  Jenny Chey : Oh my gosh, of course! This makes total sense. She's on a soap.

  Sam Sylvia : [looking at Ruth]  You're on a soap?

  Jenny Chey : No. No no. Not her, the pretty one. The one who slapped her. She's Laura Morgan on Paradise Cove. Until... Until... she had to have reconstructive surgery after a year-long coma.

  Ruth Wilder : Also known as getting written off the show. But I love her, she's great.

  Sam Sylvia : Wait, what's her name?

  Jenny Chey : Debbie Eagan. She was also in one episode of Murder, She Wrote. I watch a lot of Murder, she wrote and Wheel of Fortune, TV in general.

  Cherry Bang : Are you done? 'Cause some of us like to work.

• [Sam enters the locker room and opens up several lockers to look for something. Cherry then enters the room] 

  Cherry Bang : Honey, you still doing blow?

  Sam Sylvia : What? No. I'm just, uh... checking driver's licenses. You know, women lie about their age all the time.

  Cherry Bang : What happened to that coach?

  Sam Sylvia : I fired him.

  Cherry Bang : What? You fired the only guy with any wrestling experience?

  Sam Sylvia : Look, I just don't want to make a dumb wrestling show. I don't wanna just take things out of the playbook, you know.

  Cherry Bang : You trying to fuck this up too?

  Sam Sylvia : Come on. I mean, I gave you another job, didn't I? I don't see a lot of directors out there giving you on-camera work.

  Cherry Bang : Oh, no. We both haven't worked in a while, so let's not get into a pissing contest. Look, we work good together, right? So let's just get back out there and deal with these amateurs you hired.

  Sam Sylvia : Okay, let's do that. Wanna?

  Melanie Rosen : Were you guys about to bone? I mean, I can pee in a bucket, I don't care.

  Cherry Bang : I'm married.

  Sam Sylvia : But... we did. 1978. It was me, her, and her husband.

  [looking at Cherry] 

  Sam Sylvia : What, you don't remember that?

  Cherry Bang : [looks at Melrose]  You need to pee? Pee.

  Melanie Rosen : Jeez.

  [Melrose enters a toilet stall] 

• Cherry Bang : Don't bring shit up like that, man.

  Sam Sylvia : What? History is a beautiful thing.

  [Sam opens a locker and grabs a bag] 

  Sam Sylvia : Oh! I haven't talked to you since the... you know, the... the whole...

  Cherry Bang : What?

  Sam Sylvia : Uh... womb goof.

  Cherry Bang : Miscarriage?

  Sam Sylvia : Yeah. I was trying to come up with a tactful euphemism.

  Melanie Rosen : I hear nothing. I'm not hearing anything.

  Cherry Bang : It was two years ago, and I'm fine. Again, can you keep my business to yourself?

  Sam Sylvia : Just trying to be sensitive.

  [Sam opens the bag and finds several script books, revealing the bag to be Ruth's] 

  Sam Sylvia : Oh, yes.

  Cherry Bang : What the hell are you up to?

  [Sam grabs Ruth's phone book] 

  Sam Sylvia : Hold on. Here we go. Okay.

  [Sam turns the pages and rips the one with Debbie's address before returning the book to the bag] 

  Sam Sylvia : I got my methods. Trust me.

  [as Sam walks out, Melrose exits the toilet stall] 

  Melanie Rosen : Oh, I trust him. Who doesn't trust a man with a mustache full of coke?

• Sam Sylvia : Ladies, get out your autograph books. I want you to meet the new star of GLOW, this is TV's own Debbie Morgan.

  Debbie : Eagan.

  Sam Sylvia : Debbie Eagan.

  Cherry Bang : Where the hell have you been?

  Sam Sylvia : I've been working my ass off. I just drove to fucking Pasadena in the middle of the day.

  Debbie : [sees Ruth]  Are you insane? Am I on fucking Candid Camera? Why is she still here?

  Sam Sylvia : Oh, her. Yeah... I did... Look...

  Cherry Bang : While you been gone, we done a lot of fucking around.

  Debbie : Take me home. Now. Give me your fucking keys. I'm taking your car.

  Sam Sylvia : Just give me a second.

  Cherry Bang : Oh no, we got some miscarriage bullshit to show you.

  Sam Sylvia : Wait, what?

  Cherry Bang : Oh, now I have your attention?

  Cherry Bang : You, just stop talking and give me, give me a minute, okay? Just give me a minute.

  [looks at Debbie] 

  Cherry Bang : Honey, honey, come with me. Come on. Come on. It's gonna be all right.

  [Sheila approaches Ruth] 

  Sheila the She-Wolf : Don't stand up straight.

  Ruth Wilder : I'm...

  Sheila the She-Wolf : You have to be submissive. She's the Alpha and you're the Omega.

  Ruth Wilder : I'm...

  Sheila the She-Wolf : Shh. You're gonna provoke her.

  Ruth Wilder : Let me just...

  Sheila the She-Wolf : Slouch toward the ground. Now slouch. Submit. She might kill you.

  Debbie : [looking at Ruth]  What are you doing?

  Sheila the She-Wolf : She's submitting.

  Debbie : No, don't even talk to me.

• Melanie Rosen : And then I said, 'Oh God, the Baby!' You know, 'What's happening to the baby?' And then, you know, I squirted ketchup out of my vagina.

  Sam Sylvia : That was terrible. I, I didn't buy a single second of that. But, let's not throw out the baby with the bathwater. Oh, sorry, maybe it was a wrong metaphor. Sorry. I think there's something here. Look, I know you were just being an asshole, but if this were a real scene, there would be context, there'd be circumstances, there'd be characters, right? Legacy?

  Carmen Wade : Um...

  Sam Sylvia : Al right. Let's get inside this thing. What happened? The miscarriage, was it an accident? Was it, was it bad sushi?

  Justine Biagi : She was kicked in the stomach by her Guatemalan swim coach who was jealous she lost her virginity to the captain of the diving team.

  Sam Sylvia : Wow. Good. Good. Kick in the stomach. I like that. Swim coach, I don't know. We can lose him. We need a better assailant. What animal would kick a pregnant woman in the belly? What kind of person would ruin the life of a gorgeous, successful, pregnant woman? What kind of homewrecker would do that?

  [Ruth tries to hide in the crowd] 

  Sam Sylvia : Ruth! This doesn't seem like too much of a stretch for you. Why don't you come in the ring? Join us.

  Ruth Wilder : I want to, but I'm really not feeling well.

  Sam Sylvia : You know, Gene Kelly had the flu when he did the title number of Singin' in the Rain.

  Ruth Wilder : It's true, he did.

  [Ruth gets up and approaches the ring] 

  Sam Sylvia : Look at this asshole. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. She's gonna destroy lives. Even tiny lives that haven't started yet. You're a horrible person, and you don't deserve to live.

  Ruth Wilder : I think I deserve to live.

  Sam Sylvia : Hey, Uta Hagen. All right, take some fucking direction for a minute. All right, is that too much to ask? It's not about you. I'm trying to see if this skit works. Now circle the other one.

  [Ruth and Melrose circle each other] 

  Sam Sylvia : Okay, good. Okay, shit-stirrer. Let's work on your side. Because if there's one thing I've learned in my illustrious career, it's that you can't rely on a blood rig to sell a performance. Who are you? What kind of woman were you before you lost everything?

  Melanie Rosen : I feel like I was the kind of...

  Sam Sylvia : Wait, I got it. You're smart. You're ambitious. Talented. But nobody sees that. All they see is the blonde knockout.

  Melanie Rosen : Yeah, but I'm not blonde.

  Sam Sylvia : All right, shut the fuck up.

  Melanie Rosen : Okay.

  Stacey Beswick : I think he's talking about me.

  Dawn Rivecca : [pointing at Debbie]  No. They're talking about her.

  Stacey Beswick : That makes sense.

• Sam Sylvia : Now, here you are. You're ripe. Fecund. A custodian of new life. You're a... you're a fertile harvest goddess. Now... pull your shoulders back, and, and strut like you own the ring.

  [Melrose starts skipping] 

  Sam Sylvia : What is that?

  Melanie Rosen : Oh, I added...

  Sam Sylvia : I said strut, like you own the ring.

  Melanie Rosen : Yeah, but...

  Sam Sylvia : No. That's like a saunter. All right. Okay. Now stick your belly out a little bit. You're pregnant. Everything is fine. Everything is ideal. Until... the Homewrecker arrives. She has nothing. No man, no love, no friends. Her hair is brown, the color of shit.

  [disgusted look on Ruth's face] 

  Sam Sylvia : All right. Now lunge and miss. Wake up, Ruth! Time to act. Lunge and miss.

  [Ruth lunges toward Melrose, but Melrose dodges her] 

  Sam Sylvia : Yes. Great. Now it's time for the big move. You're gonna kick her in the stomach, set off a miscarriage that will ruin not one life, not two lives, but three lives in the process. Let's go! Kick! It's like a punch with your leg.

  Ruth Wilder : Can I do the lockup instead, where I hug her?

  Sam Sylvia : Oh my God. No. Kick!

  [Ruth barely kicks Melrose, who hurls herself to the ropes] 

  Sam Sylvia : Yeah. Give words to the pain.

  Melanie Rosen : Oh my God, it hurts! Fuck! Am I having a miscarriage? Ah! Oh no! Oh no! Am I bleeding?

  Sam Sylvia : All right, give me the ketchup bottle.

  Melanie Rosen : I feel like I'm bleeding! Oh, someone help!

  Sam Sylvia : Since we're not making Apocalypse now, let's add a little fun back in.

  [Sam squirts ketchup on Melrose's crotch, then all over Ruth] 

  Sam Sylvia : Yeah. Now that is a fuckin' miscarriage.

  [Ruth steps out of the ring in disgust while Cherry gets up and leaves and Debbie smiles] 

• Ruth Wilder : Hey! Are you joining the team? Is she joining the team?

  Debbie : Well, it's hard to pass up a starring role.

  [looks at Sam] 

  Debbie : So we need to pick up Randy from my parents' house, and I need chow fun from Two Panda Deli.

  Sam Sylvia : Okay.

  [Debbie gets in Sam's car] 

  Ruth Wilder : So, um... so, I'm fired?

  Sam Sylvia : No! Are you an idiot? You're chum. You're blood in the water. Debbie's the hero and you're the villain. Everybody's gonna hate you!

  Ruth Wilder : I don't want everyone to hate me.

  Sam Sylvia : Oh, Christ. Crying, caring, the desperation. That, that's what makes you unbearable. Look, I don't like you, Strindberg. Take that in. Hold on to it. Try not giving a fuck. There's a lot of power in that.

  [Sam approaches his car] 

  Sam Sylvia : And relax. The devil gets all the best lines.