- Tahani Al-Jamil: I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to wear a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.
- Chidi Anagonye: That's what you think hell is?
- Mindy St. Claire: Sorry about before, one of the perks of living alone is that I get to just walk around naked.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: My kind of gal... and I gotta say, you keep it 'toight'.
- Mindy St. Claire: Oh, that is the nicest, and only thing, anyone has said to me in 30 years.
- Shawn: As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest... oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.
- Donna Shellstrop: [Young Eleanor's mother comes running into the living room wearing high heels and a short skirt, carrying a drink with a straw, in a wine glass] I drove here as fast as I could! You scored free Wrestlemania tickets?
- Young Eleanor: There are no tickets, mom, I knew that was the only way I could get you here.
- Doug Shellstrop: Ha, ha - burn!
- Donna Shellstrop: Eleanor, just because your father and I are divorced does not mean that you can disrespect me like this, okay? We are a family.
- [Points at cake on coffee table]
- Donna Shellstrop: Whose birthday is it?
- Young Eleanor: Mine!
- Doug Shellstrop: Are you serious? No way!
- [Talking to the TV]
- Doug Shellstrop: It's a BS foul on Chapman.
- Young Eleanor: And since you both forgot, again, which means you definitely didn't get me a present, again, I got myself something - I just need you to sign it.
- Donna Shellstrop: Emancipation papers... honey!
- [Smiles and pauses]
- Donna Shellstrop: What does emancipation mean?
- Young Eleanor: It means I'll be on my own. All my life I've been taking care of myself and you, guys.
- [Looks at her mom]
- Young Eleanor: I work two after school jobs because you blew half my college fund bailing your boyfriend out of jail.
- Doug Shellstrop: So irresponsible!
- Young Eleanor: [Looking at her dad] And you blew the other half trying to frame her boyfriend.
- Donna Shellstrop: It was so stupid, he was already guilty, dumbass!
- Shawn: I will now review Eleanor's memories.
- Chidi Anagonye: Her memories? As in, all the things she's done on Earth?
- Shawn: Mhm.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: But perhaps we could take a little break first. You know, we've been at it for a while, and you must be tired.
- Shawn: I've been asleep in goo for the last 29 years, so I'm good.
- Michael: [carrying two frozen yogurts] Hi there! Since there's no Janet here to serve you, I brought you two a little treat.
- Chidi Anagonye: Huh, kind of like a last meal?
- Michael: Not like a last meal. Just, err, the final food you might ever eat.
- Young Eleanor: Hey, Dad, just a warning, Mom's gonna be here in a second.
- Doug Shellstrop: Ugh, your mother's coming? Oh, boy, hide the silverware.
- Young Eleanor: You mean the silverware you stole from Mom?
- Doug Shellstrop: Yeah, but she keeps trying to steal it back.
- Trevor: [on Mindy's neighborhood orientation tape] Yeah, so, Mindy, look. You mostly sucked, but then you did this one good thing. I mean, I still think we should get you...
- Beadie: They didn't, but neither did we. A compromise was made: the neighborhood you are in now by yourself. You submitted a list of things you wanted; the Good Place provided those things.
- Trevor: Yeah, and the Bad Place made some modifications.
- Beadie: We got you your favorite beer.
- Trevor: Yeah, but it's always warm.
- Beadie: On your jukebox, you'll find every song ever sung.
- Trevor: Yeah, by The Eagles, and it's only the live versions. Also, there's some spoken word poetry from William Shatner. It's deeply terrible.
- Beadie: You get the idea. Welcome to eternal mediocrity. Welcome to the Medium Place.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Okay. Instead of reading, I will watch this VHS copy of "Cannonball Run II." Or maybe "The Making of 'Cannonball Run II.'" Wow. Very medium.
- Janet: It'll be our sexy little secret. Jason taught me about sexy things.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?
- Janet: Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, 20,000 followers on Instagram, girls with pigtails eating lollipops, latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Eh, some of those are right.
- Shawn: Attention Eleanor Shellstrop and Jason Mendoza. This is the almighty judge on high of all beings living and dead for all eternity. My name is Shawn.