- Jane Hollis: It was hard enough to lose the love of my life. The heartbreak was really just the beginning. Then there was the rage I felt when I realized that no one was going to pay for their crimes. I told the police that my husband would not have checked himself out. Would not have walked out on me. But they didn't believe me. The paperwork was all right there, they said. Maybe he got cold feet about being a father, they said. So I had that costume made to look like the one that ass-jerk doctor was wearing the night they killed my Bill, and then I told my brother to go kill everyone on the anniversary of my husband's death.
- Zayday Williams: Wait. Brother?
- Jane Hollis: Well, he was bigger and stronger than I was, and he also was kind of a psychopath. He died a year later in a fight with a roller derby team. I miss him. But knowing him, he probably deserved it. So I vowed to never let that hospital open again. And I raised my son to take that same pledge. Every night before bed, we'd say our prayers and promise that if that hospital ever tried to open again, we would start killing people until they just had to close.
- Zayday Williams: But those people had nothing to do with what happened to your husband. It was innocent patients.
- Jane Hollis: Why are you trying to bring logic into this conversation? You do realize that we are insane people, right?
- Dr. Brock Holt: [after Wes' surgery] It's called trichobezoar. It's, uh... basically doctor talk for "hair ball". Listen, you know, you would have made our lives a lot easier and the operation a lot safer if you just would have told us the truth.
- Chanel #5: How'd he get that much hair in his stomach?
- Chanel Oberlin: Duh. He's obviously been dating one of those Occupy Wall Street or Pussy Riot girls who think not shaving their cooter is some kind of political protest against the patriarchy or something.
- Chanel #3: Are you saying that that's a giant Ziploc bag full of Commie pubes?
- Chanel Oberlin: Mm-hmm.
- Dr. Brock Holt: No, they're not pubes. Mr. Gardner suffers from a condition called trichophagia.
- Cathy Munsch: Oh, it's from the Greek. Trichia meaning "hair", and phagein meaning "to eat".
- Dr. Brock Holt: Yes. Exactly. That's exactly right, yeah. It's a psychological disorder that causes, uh, people to pull out and then eat their own hair.
- Chanel Oberlin: Number Five, how have you never come down with that?
- Chanel #3: Seriously. That seems right up your alley.
- Chanel Oberlin: Hester, once again you've proven yourself to be the sharpest, most canny Chanel. I mean, no wonder you found it so easy to orchestrate a string of murders and frame us for it.
- Chanel Oberlin: Give me your phone.
- Chamberlain Jackson: What? Why?
- Chanel Oberlin: Because you're being a total creeper. I mean, I would be stunned if Zayday hasn't already taken out a restraining order against you.
- Chanel #3: Chanel's right. You're totally blowing it.
- Chanel #5: Um... I don't agree. I, for one, would love if a guy would text me that much. Or at all.
- Chanel Oberlin: [handing Chamberlain his phone] There. Problem solved. I blocked Zayday's number from your phone. That way if she texts you, you won't know so you won't be tempted to text her back right away. Then at nine p.m. on the dot every day, the phone will automatically unblock her number and you'll receive any text messages she may have sent you throughout the day, and you're allowed to respond with... one text. Then after an hour, your phone will automatically re-block the number and it'll seem like you're playing it cool, and she'll probably be less creeped out by you, and that's my good deed for the year. Oh, and don't think just because I'm helping you doesn't mean I don't think that you're the Green Meanie, because I still have my suspicions.
- Chamberlain Jackson: All right, that's like a double double negative and a negative, but whatever... whatever that means, I'll take it, okay?