Scream Queens (TV Series)

The Hand (2016)

Billie Lourd: Chanel #3

Quotes 

• Chanel #3 : Were there any sex toys in their nightstand? I don't trust anyone who doesn't have at least one sex toy in their nightstand.

• Chanel Oberlin : You wouldn't understand, #5, I mean, you've never had a boyfriend.

  Chanel #5 : Yes, I have. His name was Tyler and he was murdered, like *3 weeks* ago!

  Chanel #3 : So much weird stuff happens to us, I can honestly say I totally forgot about that.

• Chanel #3 : I don't think I can make a future with a guy who's actually dead. Am I supposed to raise little half-dead/half-alive children?

  Dr. Cassidy Cascade : I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were prejudice against dead people.

  Chanel #3 : Everyone is. I'm just willing to admit it.

• Chanel Oberlin : #3, #5, Neckbrace, my dear, sweet idiots, I need some advice. You know how Brock's hand sometimes tries to kill me because he got it off a murderer?

  Chanel #5 : WHAT?

  Chanel #3 : Um no, you never told us that.

  Chanel Oberlin : Okay, well it does and he did.

• Chanel #3 : You're like Kill Bill or that dude who got his head smushed in on Game of Thrones. Were you ever hit in the head really hard while you were training?

  Dr. Cassidy Cascade : All the time. You know Karate Kid? They modeled the guy who ran Cobra Kai after my sensei.

• Chanel #3 : I just wanna help you be a better person, mainly getting you to stop murdering people. I know I'm the last person to help someone be a better person since I'm admittedly not a very good or nice person myself, but I'm not a killer. So I know I can at least help you try to not be that.

• Dr. Cassidy Cascade : Wait, so I'm not actually dead? I'm alive? Thank God, I'm still alive! But wait, how do you explain how cold I am?

  Chanel #3 : People psychosomatically manifest symptoms of a disease if they truly believe they have it. They've been known to develop tumorous skin conditions or even paralysis.

  Chanel #5 : Also, you sleep in a waterbed next to a giant air conditioner.

• Dr. Cassidy Cascade : I can't go if you're watching.

  Chanel #3 : We need to test your urine. Patients with Guittard's tend to have a high serum concentration of CMMG and weak renal functions.

  Dr. Cassidy Cascade : But do you actually have to WATCH me give the sample?

  Chanel #5 : We need to be sure that you're not pulling a Lance Armstrong and secretly giving us someone else's pee.

• Chanel #3 : I didn't give him all the results. According to the testing, not only is Dr. Cassidy Cascade more likely to wanna be in the front during spooning, he's also a psychopath. And his most likely profession: a serial killer.

• Chanel #3 : I just wonder if you could maybe not kill Chanel.

  Dr. Cassidy Cascade : See, I get that but I have to tell you that's kind of controlling.

• Chanel #3 : Maybe I'll just have to turn you in.

  Dr. Cassidy Cascade : Well, maybe I'll just have to kill you.