Scream Queens (TV Series)

Handidates (2016)

Glen Powell: Chad Radwell

Quotes 

• Chad Radwell : Aw, you think this is the end of the movie? Well, it's not! This is the first part, where the bad guy beats the good guy, and then the good guy trains in a montage, comes back, beats the bad guy, freeze-frame into a kiss with the girl as my old and ethnic mentor looks on!

• [Brock gets out of the shower and finds Chad standing there naked] 

  Dr. Brock Holt : What are you doing here?

  Chad Radwell : Just airing out my scrote, brah.

• Chad Radwell : Girls really wanna bone me, okay? When I die, I've left instructions to grind me up into a fine powder to be given out to underprivileged dudes who have trouble getting laid. Because I'm convinced if they rub my essence on 'em, they're pretty much guaranteed to get ass.

• Chad Radwell : Look, I'm not cut out for monogamy, okay? This is not what I do. I mean, in a couple days, once I bone a girl at a stop light or at an IHOP or public park, I'll be cheating on my wife. I don't know if I wanna be that guy.

  Dr. Brock Holt : Then don't get married.

  Chad Radwell : What? I mean, it's a little late for that! Getting left at the altar works in Julia Roberts movies or on Grey's Anatomy, but in real life, that ruins you. I don't want to hurt Chanel. Isn't that weird? I just want her to be happy, I want her to have a great wedding day. I don't want my worries about my future studliness to get in the way of her special day. Whatever happens down the road, I want this day to be for her. Maybe I almost love her, you know?

• Dr. Brock Holt : You should know, when you guys break up in six months, I'm gonna be there to comfort Chanel... by having a lot of sex with her.

  Chad Radwell : I wouldn't have it any other way.

• Chad Radwell : Fact: There's a serial killer somewhere in this hospital. Fact: He probably had something to do with that dude who looks like the Fruit of the Loom grapes and my good buddy Randall disappearing from said hospital without being discharged or cured. Fact: Dr. Hairline over here has the hand of a deranged serial killer. And finally, fact: We know from every horror movie ever about people getting the hand of a serial killer put on their body, that hand eventually takes over and starts murdering folks.

• Chanel Oberlin : Chad! What is going on?

  Chad Radwell : What do you mean? Why does something have to be going on? Can't I just ask you to, you know, meet me in the park and walk and talk some things over?

  Chanel Oberlin : No, Chad, you can't because it's super-weird and it seems like you want to murder me! I mean, I actually brought a stun-gun! When was the last time you wanted to A, go for a walk with me or B, have an actual conversation?

• [Chad drops to his knee] 

  Chad Radwell : Chanel Oberlin, will you...

  Chanel Oberlin : Oh my God! Oh my God, is this really happening?

  Chad Radwell : ...get your lawyers to look over this prenup?

  Chanel Oberlin : Are you asking me to marry you?

  Chad Radwell : Oh, not really. No, I'll consider asking you to marry me once you sign the prenup.

• Chad Radwell : Chanel, you have no choice but to reject this man and that gay, murdering hand and start boning me again.

  Dr. Brock Holt : Chanel, before you say anything, I just want you to know that I'm the highest paid sperm donor in the state.

  Chad Radwell : Oh my, sperm? Are we talking about sperm?

  Dr. Brock Holt : Yeah, we're talking about sperm.

  Chad Radwell : Oh, that's great. Are we having a sperm-off?

  Dr. Brock Holt : No.

  Chad Radwell : Oh okay, cuz you know what? I would win. Because I banged both women in this room - with my sperm!

• Chad Radwell : I'm Chad Radwell. And I always win. No matter what.

• Chad Radwell : Chanel, I'm in love with you.

  Chanel Oberlin : What?

  Chad Radwell : Even when I told all those other chicks I was banging how awesome it was that they didn't have wangs and how I was in love with them, really, I was in love with you.