The Pirates of Somalia (2017)

Evan Peters: Jay Bahadur

Photos 

Quotes 

• Seymour Tolbin : Name's... Seymour Tolbin.

  Jay Bahadur : Seymour Tolbin?

  Seymour Tolbin : Yeah.

  Jay Bahadur : Oh my God, you're one of my favorite journalists of all time!

  Seymour Tolbin : So you're a journalist?

  Jay Bahadur : No. I mean... yeah, I wanna be.

  Seymour Tolbin : You wanna make it as some big journalist, you gotta go somewhere... crazy.

• Jay Bahadur : I'm gonna go to Somalia and write a book on the pirates.

  Maria Bahadur : Somalia?

  Jojo : AIDS.

  Jay Bahadur : AIDS?

  Jojo : Isn't that a problem there?

  Jay Bahadur : I'm going to *write* about the pirates dad, not sleep with them.

• Jay Bahadur : caawa waxaan cabbeynaa.

  Seymour Tolbin : That's Somali?

  Jay Bahadur : Yes.

  Seymour Tolbin : What does it mean?

  Jay Bahadur : "Tonight, we drink."

  Seymour Tolbin : Oh, that's good to hear. I thought you were gonna say, "Tonight, we fuck."

• Jay Bahadur : I am scared, Abdi. Shit, man, I mean, there's no other way... I hope you understand that.

  Abdi : This is the path you choose as a man... It's not for me to understand.

• Jay Bahadur : [trying a Somalian drug]  What's the effects?

  Abdi : Makes some people want to have sex... others are very talkative.

  Jay Bahadur : [spitting out in disgust]  Ugh!

• Jay Bahadur : That's me behind the wheel... Jay Bahadur, proud college graduate of the class of 2007... arguably the worst year since the Great Depression to graduate school.

• Supermarket Guy : You drove all the way from Toronto to ask questions about napkins?

  Jay Bahadur : Premium napkins.

  Supermarket Guy : I thought my job sucked.

• Crowe : She's gonna marry her Lit professor.

  Jay Bahadur : No way. Tracy is repulsed by older men.

  Crowe : You were older.

  Jay Bahadur : Two years is not older, man!

  Crowe : It's a little bit older.

• Jay Bahadur : Name's Bahadur, here to see Dr. Fleshman about my back.

  Katlyn : Have you ever been here before?

  Jay Bahadur : No.

  Katlyn : All right, you'll just need to fill out these forms.

  Jay Bahadur : Right.

  Katlyn : You okay?

  Jay Bahadur : Yeah, I just hurt my back, figured I'd get a jump on being a senior citizen.

  Seymour Tolbin : So, you busting on grey hairs? To make a move on Kaitlyn, eh?

  Jay Bahadur : Excuse me?

  Seymour Tolbin : That's all right, I understand... I'd take down all of humanity just to bang her.

• Maryan : This card bears my name. What does it say?

  Jay Bahadur : You don't read English?

  Maryan : Not so well.

  Jay Bahadur : That card says that, um, you're the hottest drug dealer in the world.

  Maryan : Is that what it says?

  Jay Bahadur : Yes.

  Maryan : I like that.

• Jay Bahadur : Why do all rejection letters have the word "unfortunately" in the first sentence?... Surely there is a more original adverb to toss in there... I vow that I will never write for a publication that uses the word "unfortunately" in their first sentence... I am better than that.

• Jay Bahadur : Hey, I got an idea for a story I'm gonna submit. It came to me when I was listening to CBC Radio today.

  Alex : What's... what's the angle?

  Jay Bahadur : The end of the comedic dictator. Kim Jong is on his death bed, and once he goes, where's the dictator comedy gonna come from?

  Alex : Mahmoud Ahmadinejad... He's funny and very alive.

  Jay Bahadur : He's not funny.

  Alex : He's a little funny.

  Jay Bahadur : He's a little funny, but no one can pronounce his name.

• Jay Bahadur : I never understood cigars.

• Jay Bahadur : [on the phone, having difficulty in pronouncing the greeting in Somali and finally giving up]  Assalamu-ciao