- Rebecca Bunch: Everyone belongs somewhere but me.
- Paula Proctor: That's silly, honey, you've got family back home in New York.
- Rebecca Bunch: I mean, not really. My dad bailed, my mom's a misery, I ate my twin in the womb. I really don't wanna go home for the holidays, it's the last place I wanna be.
- Paula Proctor: Like I said, you are more than welcome to my apocalypse of a Thanksgiving. I mean, pull up a chair and enjoy Scott's racist uncle... You ate your twin?
- Rebecca Bunch: I mean, medically speaking I didn't eat it, I just metabolized its body parts for my own use.
- [Greg signs off on expensive medical treatments for his father]
- Marco Serrano: I know what you did. One of the nurses ratted you out. You spend all of your savings? On me? Why? I'm a lost cause! Run, like your mother did. Save yourself - and the macaws!
- Greg Serrano: You need those treatments.
- Marco Serrano: You gotta go to school. Move out! It's time.
- Greg Serrano: Don't you tell me what to do. I make my own decisions, thank you very much, and I'm not going anywhere. Sorry. Don't fight me on this. Look at you, old man. You lose! You have tubes in your face!
- Marco Serrano: You know what my father would've done if I'd talked to him like that?
- Greg Serrano: He probably would've said, "Thank you for saving my life, son."
- Greg Serrano: I brought your robe. I know you hate that these hospital gowns leave your ass hanging out.
- Marco Serrano: My ass'll hang out when I say it should. I am the captain of my own ass!
- Rebecca Bunch: I think my spleen is somewhere in the municipal sewer system. Ohhhhh, my butthole's the gateway to Hell!
- Rebecca Bunch: I've had the worst Thanksgiving ever.
- Greg Serrano: Mine was really bad too. It was like Pearl Harbor meets the movie Pearl Harbor.
- Greg Serrano: Why does Netflix always want me to watch Leaving Las Vegas? What are they trying to tell me?
- Lourdes Chan: All I ask is, if you're going to go against the church and live in sin, be consistent and use contraception.
- Paula Proctor: Why do you always give up so easily? Do you think Angelina went into Mr. and Mrs. Smith with that kinda attitude? If she had, no Shiloh, no Maddox, no Vivienne.
- Paula Proctor: Say a giant boulder ran over Josh's girlfriend and she was out of the picture. How would you feel?
- Rebecca Bunch: I mean, I'd feel terrible. Okay, a boulder would decimate her and her guts would be everywhere!
- Greg Serrano: I am quitting this crappy job. As soon as this shift ends, I can't wait to walk in and tell my boss to shove it! It's gonna be all Jerry Maguire mixed in with a little Norma Rae.
- Rebecca Bunch: Oh yeah, someone stole a Netflix password.
- Paula Proctor: Whoo! Something smells weird in here.
- Rebecca Bunch: Oh well, it's a Filipino dish called Diniguan. It consists of pork cooked in pork's blood. You wanna try some?
- Paula Proctor: Uhhh... Thanks, but I think I'm all full up from the wonderful smell.
- Paula Proctor: I'm making pies for people that I hate, which is mixed emotions for me because I like pie.