- [Liv asks Ravi how the safe sex research for zombies is going]
- Olivia Moore: I've got that lucky feeling tonight, Doc. Give me some good news on the safe sex research.
- Ravi Chakrabarti: Oh, nothing certain yet, though I have proven that when you purchase boxes of every brand of condom available at once, the lady at the drugstore counter looks at you funny.
- [Ravi rushes into Liv and Clive's bedroom]
- Ravi Chakrabarti: Are you decent?
- Olivia Moore: [under the blankets together] Decent enough.
- Ravi Chakrabarti: Tell me you haven't had sex yet.
- Major Lilywhite: Seems like a question you could've asked outside the door.
- [Liv hums 'The Blue Danube' song while working on a dead body next to Ravi]
- Ravi Chakrabarti: [as Liv hums] Did you and Major have sex?
- Olivia Moore: Whoa. Aren't Brits supposed to be repressed? What would Judi Dench say?
- Ravi Chakrabarti: She'd say we don't know a lot about the sexual transmission of zombie-ism.
- [first lines]
- Major Lilywhite: [Major wakes up to an eggs and bacon breakfast in the kitchen] Whoa! Eggs! Mmm. Mmm-mm.
- Major Lilywhite: [Major sits at the table and speaks to the bacon] What's shakin' bacon?
- Peyton Charles: [as Ravi and Peyton watch] Body Snatchers?
- [Ravi calls Clive the man of the hour for his heroism]
- Olivia Moore: We've been pulling bullets out of Mr. Cole all day. We heard you were inches away.
- Clive Babineaux: Yards away. Nothing heroic about not getting shot.
- Ravi Chakrabarti: Well, did you soil yourself?
- Clive Babineaux: No.
- Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi smiles] Then it's heroic in my book.
- [Liv and Major see Clive and Agent Bozzio together]
- Major Lilywhite: [speaking to Liv behind his smile] Oh, no. Abort. Just turn around.
- Olivia Moore: [speaking to Major behind her smile] I'm already waving, that would be incredibly weird. Nut up.
- Olivia Moore: [Liv finally talks to Clive] Hey, you. Didn't know you existed outside the station. I thought you were just put back in your Detective Clive box. Pull his string and he says, 'Miss Moore, please.'
- [FBI Agent Bozzio meets Liv and Major for the first time]
- Dale Bozzio: [to Liv] Dale. It's nice to get a name. In my head you've been, um, 'Girl from the morgue who somehow makes Goth work.'
- Major Lilywhite: Oh, that is her Native American name. Hi, I'm Barely Employed Arm Candy. No, I'm Major.
- Dale Bozzio: [Bozzio smiles] You certainly are.
- [Blaine gets a visit from his father Angus DeBeers at the funeral home]
- Angus DeBeers: Son.
- Blaine DeBeers: Dad. I'd hope your first visit here would be more... horizontal.
- [Angus DeBeers tells Blaine that he works for him now]
- Angus DeBeers: I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
- Blaine DeBeers: [Angus shoots Chief in the head] Ahh.
- Angus DeBeers: You work for me now.
- Blaine DeBeers: [Blaine talks to Chief's body on the ground] Chief, you had one job.
- [Angus DeBeers tells Blaine that he's going to need a bigger coffin to dispose of Chief's body]
- Angus DeBeers: You're gonna need a bigger box for your employee here.
- Blaine DeBeers: We usually just chop off the feet. Nobody looks down there.
- [Angus DeBeers tells Blaine he'll do what he says when he says it]
- Angus DeBeers: That pounding in your ears is the sound of your leverage evaporating. I am the new CEO here. You love being human. The food. The sex. You always were a hedonist. You're built for it, so... You'll do what I say, when I say it, or...
- Angus DeBeers: [inhaling sharply with a slice to Blaine's neck] Back to Zombieland for you.
- [Liv yells at the horse race on TV]
- Olivia Moore: Thread the needle, baby! That soft grass is nothing, it's nothing.
- [Clive walks into the morgue and sees a balloon animal on the table]
- Clive Babineaux: Is that a balloon animal?
- Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi smiles] Ah, yeah, clown college. Uh, I'm available for parties.
- [Blaine asks Liv is she's ever happy to be a zombie]
- Blaine DeBeers: Are you ever happy you're a zombie?
- Olivia Moore: You should know that's a stupid question.
- Blaine DeBeers: Is it? Before I became a zombie, I was wasting my life. Human Blaine was a nobody. An underachiever. He was a, he was a joke. Zombie Blaine, though... Zombie Blaine was the man.
- Olivia Moore: He was a murderer.
- Blaine DeBeers: But he was exceptional.
- [Liv sees how Clive acts differently when staring at former NBA basketball player Calvin Owens]
- Clive Babineaux: We should probably go talk to Calvin.
- Olivia Moore: You look like me going to see NSYNC when I was 10.
- [Liv and Clive examine Roger Thrunk's turtle]
- Olivia Moore: I saw a movie once set in a jungle prison. Prisoners wrote messages on the bottom of turtles' shells.
- Clive Babineaux: [Clive puts on a pair of gloves, picking up the turtle] Ah... The things they never tell you that you'll be doing at the detective academy.
- Dale Bozzio: [as Dale Bozzio walks into the room] Babineaux! You and that turtle get a room.
- Clive Babineaux: I'm looking for messages.
- Dale Bozzio: [Bozzio nods] I won't ask.
- [Ravi tells Liv and Major that sex with a zombie will turn you into a zombie]
- Ravi Chakrabarti: Zombie virus is a hundredth the size of a typical virus. I tested every brand of condom, every material. 102 samples. Zombie virus went through all of them. If you have sex, Major will become a zombie. That is not a risk, that's a certainty. Look, someday I'll cure it. I will. But until then, I'm sorry.
- Angus McDonough: Mark Jarrett. A rival of mine. Needs taking care of.
- Blaine DeBeers: You want his brain? Help yourself to some trade secrets?
- Angus McDonough: His son's, actually. He's the heir apparent, in on everything. So, I get the trade secrets and the bonus of emotionally devastating my rival.
- Blaine DeBeers: Oh. So this guy loves his son?
- [last lines]
- Don Everhart: [Don E. talks to Blaine in the morgue of the funeral home as Blaine listens to orchestral music] What are we listening to? Can we turn this crap off.