The X-Files (TV Series)

Mulder & Scully Meet the Were-Monster (2016)

David Duchovny: Fox Mulder

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Quotes 

• Fox Mulder : It shot blood at me. From its eye, Scully... I think. It was hard for me to see because I had blood in my eyes.

  Dana Scully : I haven't done a blood analysis yet, but it's probably residue from the prior attack on this victim. And animals don't shoot blood out of their eyeballs.

  Fox Mulder : Oh, no? Well, tell that to the horned lizard, which shoots blood out its eyeball, Scully, yes. It's a defense mechanism. Scientific fact!

  Dana Scully : Mulder, the Internet is not good for you.

• Guy Mann : Man, she hit like a man.

  Fox Mulder : That's because she used to be... uh, she once... She's transgender.

  Guy Mann : What? You can't transform into a different sex! That's nuts!

  Fox Mulder : It's not nuts. It's actually a very common medical procedure. You don't need the surgery, technically...

  Guy Mann : Maybe that's what I could do! It's a cure!

  Fox Mulder : No.

  Guy Mann : Well, I've got to stop transforming. I'll do the surgery.

  Fox Mulder : Completely different.

  Guy Mann : I don't care how much it costs, I'll do it.

  Fox Mulder : They cut off your genitals.

  Guy Mann : Nah, I'll leave it. That's... That's a step too far, isn't it?

  Fox Mulder : Yeah.

• Fox Mulder : Okay, I'll do it, I'll kill you.

  Guy Mann : Thanks, mister, you're like the only nice person I've ever met.

• Dana Scully : Yeah, this is how I like my Mulder.

  Fox Mulder : So you're agreeing with me?

  Dana Scully : No! You're bat-crap crazy!

• Guy Mann : You see, now I possess the one Darwinian advantage that humans have over other animals: the ability to BS my way through anything. I mean, it's better than camouflage!

  Fox Mulder : You wouldn't happen to be, uh, BSing me right now all about this, would you?

• Fox Mulder : Scully, since we've been away, much of the "unexplained" has been explained. The "Death Valley Racetrack"? Turns out it was just ice formations, moving the rocks around as it melted. Yeah, ice. Humility prevents me from recounting how I once thought it had something to do with a series of mysterious sightings of a rock-like creature in Colorado which turned out to just be a publicity stunt by a local landscaping business. It's amazing, going through these archives with fresh - if not wiser - eyes, how many of these cases, whether it's "The Amarillo Armadillo Man" or "The Hairy Whatsit of Walla Walla" can be explained away as fraternity pranks, practical jokes or people making stuff up simply because they're bored and or crazy. And if that doesn't explain it, well then it was probably just ice.

  Dana Scully : Mulder, have you been taking your meds?

  Fox Mulder : [pulls pencils out of the "I Want to Believe" poster] 

  Fox Mulder : Scully, Charles Fort spent his entire life researching natural and scientific anomalies, which he published in four books, all of which I know by heart. And at the end of his life, Fort himself wondered if it hadn't all been a waste. I get it. I'm a middle-aged man, Scully. No, I am, I am. I'm thinking maybe it's time to put away childish things: the Sasquatches and mothmen and... jackalopes. I thought it'd be great to get back to work. But is this really how I want to spend the rest of my days? Chasing after monsters?

  Dana Scully : We've been given another case, Mulder... It has a monster in it.

• Fox Mulder : Scully, I gave up profiling before I gave up monsters. You've seen one serial killer, you've seen them all.

• Guy Mann : Welcome to Smart Phones Is Us. How may I help?

  Dana Scully : I'm wondering if I can ask you some questions.

  Dana Scully : Mm-hmm?

  Dana Scully : [in a flirty voice]  I think maybe my phone isn't working right, 'cause guys don't send me pictures of their junk on it. I think maybe I'd like to... take a picture of yours.

  [porn music starts playing, Scully peels off her jacket and gives Guy Mann a lusty look. She gets to the stock room door and starts unbuttoning her shirt, showing off cleavage in his direction] 

  Dana Scully : Come on. I want to make you say "cheese".

  [It cuts to inside the stock room, Scully's shirt is off. They're going at it against a wall and she moans with pleasure] 

  Dana Scully : You're an animal! An *animal*!

  Guy Mann : [stunned at his good fortune]  This feels good!

  Dana Scully : Oh, don't stop! Don't...

  [flashback gets interrupted] 

  Fox Mulder : Stop!

  [shaking his head] 

  Fox Mulder : That... did not happen.

  Guy Mann : I know it's hard to believe, but apparently I'm terrific in the sack.

  Fox Mulder : You made that up.

  Guy Mann : Oh...

  [long pause] 

  Guy Mann : All right, you got me. Ever since I became a human, I can't help but lie about my sex life. But that's the only untruthful bit in the whole story.

• Fox Mulder : I thought I was going to believe you, but it's all... it's just too... fantastic.

  Guy Mann : It's not fantastic. It's tragic!

  Fox Mulder : No, I mean it's just... silly.

  Guy Mann : That's my life you're talking about.

  Fox Mulder : It's my life, too. You and me, we're the same, Guy. We both want to believe in things that aren't real - or even possible.

• Fox Mulder : Looks like you gave it a pretty good shot.

  Annabelle : I think I hit it right in its horn.

  Dana Scully : Hmm. It had a horn. Like a... unicorn?

  Annabelle : It had horns. At the back of its head, like a lizard or something.

  Fox Mulder : [shows a drawing of the monster]  Did it look anything like this?

  Annabelle : No. The thing I saw only had two eyes. And it was wearing underwear.

  Dana Scully : Boxers or briefs?

  Annabelle : Tighty-whities. Same kind I used to wear. I transitioned last year.

• Fox Mulder : Your records don't provide much information and I'm assuming that "Guy Mann" is not a real name.

• Fox Mulder : Did you lose someone recently?

  Guy Mann : Yeah, myself.

• [last lines] 

  Guy Mann : I don't mean to get too personal, but... this has been a real trying time for me. I've been through a lot. But just having someone like you to... Look, what I'm trying to say is... I'm glad to have met you.

  [he extends his hand to shake Mulder's as a way to thank him. Mulder shakes it, but as he looks up again Guy Mann has transformed into his natural were-lizard form, taking him completely by surprise] 

  Fox Mulder : Like...

  [Guy Mann stands there in front of him for a moment before skipping off into the dark forest] 

  Fox Mulder : Likewise.

• Fox Mulder : Did you see which way it headed?

  Annabelle : I told the officers that is slithered off that way, but they think I'm on crack.

  Fox Mulder : Are you?

  Annabelle : [In an after what I saw tone]  Yeah!

• Dana Scully : What, so now you're saying you were attacked by a six-foot horny toad?

  Fox Mulder : Whoa.

  [Taking in the possible double entendre] 

  Fox Mulder : Let's just keep this within the realm of the natural sciences, shall we?

  Dana Scully : [Deciding to focus his attention]  My initial exam of the bite marks on this wound would suggest that they were made by a human being.

  Fox Mulder : [Not to be detoured]  So we're looking for a man-sized horned lizard with human teeth.

  [They look at each other, Scully pressing her lips together attempting not to laugh] 

  Fox Mulder : Sounds a bit silly, doesn't it?

  Dana Scully : Yeah.

  [She smiles] 

  Fox Mulder : You're really enjoying yourself, aren't you Scully?

  Dana Scully : Yeah

  [She nods] 

  Dana Scully : I am. I forgot how much fun these cases could be.

• Manager : Just because I asked him to pay his overdue bill. Does that make me some kind of monster?

  Fox Mulder : Of course not.

  Manager : Exactly! Now, please go away or I'll kill you.

• Fox Mulder : I'm not gonna report you. When one checks into an establishment such as this, one expects the manager to be a Peeping Tom.

• Fox Mulder : I'm in town investigating the murders.

  Guy Mann : And you think I'd do something like that? What kind of a monster do you think I am?

• Fox Mulder : Not everything can be reduced to psychology.

  Dr. Rumanovitch : That's what you think.