Family Guy (TV Series)

Stewie Is Enceinte (2015)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Dr. Elmer Hartman

Photos 

Quotes 

• Brian : [punches Stewie]  Is it dead?

  Stewie : You hit me! What kind of monster hits a pregnant toddler! If you ever lay a finger on me again, I'll burn you in your bed!

  [walks off] 

  Brian : Could... could you do that now, please?

• Peter Griffin : Okay, let's see. Now, what are the ingredients to a viral internet video?

  Joe Swanson : Cats!

  Peter Griffin : Yes! Cats, good.

  Glenn Quagmire : People reacting to gross stuff.

  Peter Griffin : Aw yeah, 'cause they're like "AAAAH, THAT'S GROSS".

  Cleveland Brown : Can I get a soda?

  Peter Griffin : What? No! This is like the worst time to ask for a soda.

  Glenn Quagmire : Unbelievable.

• Cleveland Brown : Hey, I went by your house the other day. Is your baby pregnant?

  Peter Griffin : I don't know, Lois is in charge of the kids.

• Brian : [to Stewie]  You're pregnant with our baby? How could this even happen?

  Stewie : Simple. I took your DNA and inserted it into my temporary uterus through my fertilization device.

  Brian : Oh, my God, you're serious! People are gonna think I had sex with a male baby and then got him pregnant!

  Stewie : Oh, thank you for finding a way to make it sound horrible.

• Stewie : [to Dr. Hartman]  Could you do that thing where you take some fluid and tell me if it's going to be an imbecile or a cretin?

  Dr. Hartman : Oh, not to worry, there are places where those people can be warehoused, but from strictly eyeballing you, I'd say everything looks fine.

  Stewie : Oh, that's wonderful. Now, Brian, did you have any questions for the doctor?

  Brian : Yeah. Are there a lot of stairs in this building?

• Stewie : Now I just have to get into the machine, and then the machine does whatever it has to do to me in order to successfully impregnate me. We do not judge the machine. We do not judge Stewie.

• Stewie : Good morning, Brian.

  Brian : [sniffs]  What is that? I smell pee.

  Stewie : Yes, you do, Brian.

  [holds a pregnancy test] 

  Brian : Oh, my God, that thing's positive! Is Lois pregnant again?

  Stewie : No.

  Brian : Meg is pregnant?

  Stewie : You're getting warmer.

  Brian : Wha... what have you done?

  Stewie : I think you mean, what have we done?

  Brian : What?

  Stewie : Brian, we're pregnant!

  Brian : Oh, my God!

  Stewie : And in 18 years, he's going to move away!

• Dr. Hartman : [to Stewie during his prenatal exam]  That's odd. Your vagina seems to have a penis and two testicles.

  Stewie : Oh, right. I... uh, sneezed real hard and all that came out.

  Dr. Hartman : Ah, that explains it.

• Stewie : Brian, I need you to take me to the hospital.

  Brian : Why?

  Stewie : My water just broke.

  Brian : Oh, my God!

  Stewie : It's okay. Don't panic. Call the doula. Brian, you've got to call the doula!

  Brian : Doula? I... I don't even know what that is!

  Stewie : It's a divorced woman who knows about lady parts and cheers you on.

• Stewie : I am having such a craving for burgers, it's like my body just craving red meat. And mint ice cream. But only mint ice cream any other ice cream makes me want to puke. Isn't that weird?

  Brian : Yes Stewie, that's the one weird thing in all this.

• Stewie : Oh, hey, Bri. Hey, you want to go out and get some gluten-free pizza? I'm gluten-free now, but you know, I'm not gonna be annoying about it.

• Brian : You are getting an abortion, Stewie.

  Stewie : I will not! Our child is growing inside me!

  Brian : Stop talking like that!

• Stewie : First I add some of Brian's hair and saliva and some pre school applications because we are already way behind.

  [He closes up the section where he has put everything] 

  Stewie : There now I just have to get into the machine and then the machine does whatever it has to do to me so that it can successfully impregnate me. We do not judge the machine we do not judge Stewie.