Scream Queens (TV Series)

Ghost Stories (2015)

Emma Roberts: Chanel Oberlin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Chanel Oberlin : No more ghost stories!

  Chanel #5 : Or at least stop setting them in bathrooms!

  Chanel Oberlin : I really have to pee but there is no way I'm going anywhere near a toilet, so if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna look for a salad bowl to squat over under the stairwell.

• [Chanel #5 exits] 

  Chanel Oberlin : Let's wait and hear if she makes it downstairs to make sure the killer isn't still here.

• Chanel Oberlin : We have to figure out a way to get rid of Chanel #6.

  Chanel #5 : When you say "get rid of her," do you mean, like, force her to leave or kill her?

  Chanel Oberlin : Honestly #5, do you think I'm insane? The bitch seduced my boyfriend into getting her pregnant! Of course I mean "kill her!"

• Chanel Oberlin : I don't understand why you're making us bubble-wrap each item of clothing.

  Denise Hemphill : Are you kidding me? How much did this dress cost?

  Chanel Oberlin : Sixty-three thousand dollars.

  Denise Hemphill : Uh yeah, okay! When something costs *sixty-three thousand dollars*, you wrap it in bubble-wrap.

• Chanel #5 : I cannot believe that no one is comforting me after I was almost murdered by the Red Devil, who was in the back seat of my car, and then I barely escaped as some poor, old truck driver was hacked to death with a machete! I mean, you know, I thought I could at least get some props for coming back with such an amazing, scary story.

  Chanel Oberlin : Actually, #5, that story is neither scary nor amazing. That story is an exact facsimile of the hook-hand story Hester told about an hour ago. Honestly, if you're gonna get attacked, please attempt to get attacked in a fresh and exciting way.

• Chanel Oberlin : Thanksgiving is next Thursday, and if any of you stupid whores ever cracked a book every now and again, you'd know I'm dressed as Sacajawea. She helped the Pilgrims with their harvest on what is now known as the first Thanksgiving.

  Hester Ulrich : No she didn't, you're thinking of Squanto.

  Chanel Oberlin : Um, no. Squanto was friends with The Lone Ranger.

  Chanel #3 : Sacajawea guided the Lewis and Clark expedition.

  Chanel Oberlin : What? No way! Sacajawea taught the Pilgrims how to make cranberry sauce and then, like, sang Blue Corn Moon or something.

  Hester Ulrich : That was Pocahontas.

  Chanel Oberlin : Dammit, are you serious? I'm trying to impress Mr. and Mrs. Radwell and I just spent two hours dressing up as the hag who didn't realize she was the third wheel on Lewis and Clark's gay camping extravaganza!

• Chanel #3 : I am personally being haunted by a ghost... Late last night, I was walking around campus and I saw the ghost of dead gay Boone. The ghost of dead gay Boone is walking the earth. We had, like, a full conversation.

  Chanel #5 : That is so stupid because ghosts don't exist.

  Chanel #3 : Oh really? Then why won't my hands stop shaking?

  Chanel Oberlin : Because you're hungover.

  Chanel #3 : Of course I'm hungover. You know why I had to get hammered last night? Because I saw the ghost of dead gay Boone!

• Chanel #5 : He's not gonna stop until all of us are dead! He is the predator and we are the prey. They only way to stop the killings? Cut off his food supply.

  Chanel #3 : Wait. When did he start eating us?

  Denise Hemphill : Yeah.

  Chanel #5 : Well, you know, you guys are more than welcome to stay here and be the next on his list, but I am leaving campus immediately.

  [gies to door, then turns back, sighs] 

  Chanel #5 : Not that it matters. I wouldn't put it past him to hunt all of us down one by one.

  [leaves] 

  Chanel Oberlin : Let's wait to hear if she makes it downstairs to make sure the killer isn't still here.

  Denise Hemphill : Mm-hmm.

• Chanel Oberlin : You are gonna pay big time for this, Chad Radwell! You might even just pay the ultimate price.

  Chad Radwell : Ultimate... Wait, hold on, did you just threaten to kill me? Chanel, are you the killer?

  Chanel Oberlin : I guess we'll see.

• Chanel Oberlin : I just realized that I love Chad so much, and part of loving someone is loving every choice they make regardless of how selfish and destructive it is.

• Chanel Oberlin : Listen up, hogface sluts. Just because tonight's our last night at Kappa House before we're forced to evacuate campus doesn't mean you get to mope around acting all sad!

  Chanel #5 : Why would we be sad? This is a house of death! Six people have been murdered here in a month, now we finally get to leave!

• Chanel Oberlin : I actually don't care that tonight's the last night of Kappa Kappa Tau because I have successfully used this sorority for its proper, god-given purpose.

  Hester Ulrich : To be part of a sisterhood and make lifelong friends!

  Chanel Oberlin : Eww. No. For making me popular enough to get a hot, rich husband!

• Chanel Oberlin : I'm about to be, like, *super* rich.

  Chanel #5 : Not if the ghost murders you first.

  Chanel #3 : Or it follows you home and murders you here.

  Hester Ulrich : Or if you get murdered tonight because it's the last night of Kappa Kappa Tau and it seems *highly* likely that the killer will come after us.

• Chanel #5 : You killed her! Chanel #6 is dead!

  Chanel Oberlin : I realize that my killing neckbrace might just seem like a bridge too far, but trust me when I say this had to happen! And I'm confident that I'll be able to redeem myself morally in everyone's eyes.

• Chad Radwell : [compliment night]  You're so hot you give my bone a bone.

  Chanel Oberlin : Thank you for that compliment, Chad!

• [Chanel tells Chad that Hester's pregnant] 

  Chad Radwell : I'm sorry, Chanel. Look, I'm as pissed off about this as you are. That Hester chick is weird! Tossin' her the bone was not even all that fun. But I guess I gotta marry her now, take her home to Thanksgiving.

  Chanel Oberlin : Wait, what?

  Chad Radwell : I'm sorry, Chanel, that's just how the Radwells roll. We make our beds, then we lie in them... we lie in them with our creepy, neckbrace, scoliosis wives.

• Chanel Oberlin : What I just did will become a new ghost story, a cautionary tale about what happens to hog-faced bitches who try to steal hotter Kappa's boyfriends. A story that'll be told around the campfire by Kappa pledges for centuries to come.