Scream Queens (TV Series)

Hell Week (2015)

Emma Roberts: Chanel Oberlin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Chanel Oberlin : There's not enough soap in your bucket. Can't get the floor clean without suds.

  Zayday Williams : If you want the place clean, maybe you shouldn't have burned the maid's face off!

• [Chanel walks in and finds Boone in bed spooning Chad] 

  Chanel Oberlin : I can't believe this! You're gay?

  Chad Radwell : Uh no, Boone was scared so I let him crawl into bed with me, cuz he's my bro.

  Chanel Oberlin : He's your gay bro who has a big boner for you! Why don't you go in there and ogle his big ol' broner?

  Chad Radwell : Okay uh, first of all, I'm not gonna go ogle his big ol' broner because I'm not gay, Chanel. And you better not tell anybody Boone's gay, even though he is, because golf frats aren't big on gay dudes, and because we like hitting golf balls at the gay-straight alliance kids and I would like to keep doing that.

• Boone Clemens : Chanel, can I talk to you? In private?

  Chanel Oberlin : Private like the parts on a man you like putting in your mouth?

• Zayday Williams : There's a serial killer on campus and we need to figure out who it is. Chanel, we all actually saw you kill Miss Bean, remember, so right now you're my prime suspect.

  Chanel Oberlin : Yes, okay, I burned her slightly but stop saying that I killed her! I wish I had because now she's walking the earth with a burned-off face murdering people! Miss Bean is obviously the killer!

• Chanel Oberlin : Now, call me old-fashioned, but I choose to believe that we are sisters who are in this together, bound by a sisterly duty to protect one another and to protect the proud traditions of Kappa House. Now, can we please get back to drinking my pooey hand water?

• Chanel Oberlin : I am a future network news anchor. That involves a little thing called the media which is like chock full of gays. If I presided over the first sorority ever to accept a gay, imagine how far that would get me with my future gay makeup person, my gay wardrobe person, not to mention my creepy, gross gay viewers and weird gay higher-ups!

  Chanel #5 : No, no! No way! This isn't happening! Chanel, you're not thinking clearly, okay? Accepting a gay will hurt the house and he's gonna steal all of our expensive makeup and toiletries!

• [the girls try to figure out how to hide Chanel #2's body] 

  Hester Ulrich : Here's what you should do: Pulverize her teeth, burn off her fingerprints and disfigure her face. Once her body is unrecognizable we can create an incision on her inner thigh and drain out all of her bodily fluids. That'll give us more time to deconstruct the body.

  Chanel Oberlin : Ewww! What?

  Hester Ulrich : Because truly grinding down a body takes a lot of work. You need a really good food processor and you run the risk of fouling the plumbing, which is why you should only do it if you know how to clear out meat and bones from a drainpipe. Each of these plans has its drawbacks, but don't worry, I'm willing to help in any way possible.

  Chanel Oberlin : You're obviously a psychopath and those ideas are insane! So, no, we won't be putting her in a food processor or boning her like an enormous chicken! We're gonna put her in the meat locker for now and revisit the question when I'm not totally grossed out by YOU and feeling like I'm going to barf!

• [the girls drop Chanel #2's corpse in the meat locker] 

  Hester Ulrich : We should touch her. If we touch her, she won't haunt our dreams.

  Chanel #3 : Wait, why would she haunt our dreams?

  Hester Ulrich : And if her eyes are open, she'll take one of us with her.

  Chanel Oberlin : Take with her! What the hell are you talking about? Why are you trying to terrify us?

• Hester Ulrich : Can I call you Mom?

  Chanel Oberlin : What?

  Hester Ulrich : Please? I feel so loved and protected by all of you.

  Chanel Oberlin : Wait, you wanna call all of us Mom? That's insane!

  Chanel #5 : And super confusing.

  Chanel #3 : Actually, it's a new pop-culture term where young women desperately in need of role models call other girls they look up to Mom. Lorde's fans call her Mom.

• Chanel Oberlin : [got to get rid of the dead body]  Ideas. Go!

  Chanel #5 : We buy a pig and feed it the body. Pigs will eat anything.

  Chanel Oberlin : Oh, yeah, #5, let's just *mosey* on down to the hog district and bring home a 400-pound *sow.* That's not conspicuous *at all.*

  Chanel #3 : My uncle owns a dairy farm in Wisconsin. They have these poop lagoons. They're like ten feet deep, and in winter, they freeze over. And my uncle told me and my sister "Don't go skating on those poop lagoons, because if you fall in, you'll drown in the poop, and come springtime, there'll be... nothing left of your body."

  Chanel Oberlin : Do you and your sister have some form of intellectual disability? Because if *I* encounter a lake of frozen poo, literally the last question I would ask is, "Can we ice-skate on this?"

• Chanel #3 : What if we stapled their earlobes?

  Chanel Oberlin : No. Too easy. I only wanna haze these pledges if we can haze them in a fresh, exciting way.