Archer (TV Series)

Three to Tango (2015)

Jessica Walter: Malory Archer

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Slater : [V.O. on establishing location shot]  Wait. What happened? I thought you were gonna renovate this place.

  Malory Archer : As did I, but I was betrayed by a lying little country music wannabe.

  Cheryl Tunt : [shouting from outside the room]  Was that directed at me?

  Malory Archer : Yes! Who else?

  Cheryl Tunt : [shouting]  I don't know who all lies to you!

  [intercom beeps] 

  Cheryl Tunt : [sweetly over intercom]  Also, there's a Mr. Slater here to see you.

  Slater : It's just "Slater". It's a mononym, like...

  Malory Archer : Jesus Christ!

  Slater : Nope.

• Slater : [points to door with thumb]  I'm gonna go.

  Sterling Archer : [walking in with Lana and baby Abbiejean]  Good. Why are you here in the first place?

  Malory Archer : Mr. Slater...

  Slater : Just "Slater"! And hang on.

  [to Archer] 

  Slater : Excuse me, are you and I gonna have a problem?

  Sterling Archer : [pouring a drink]  I mean, I'm sure we will at some point, but...

  Malory Archer : Sterling, Mr...

  Slater : [firmly]  *Just* "Slater".

  Malory Archer : has...

  Slater : Had...

  Malory Archer : [appeasingly]  an important assignment for us, which I'm sure we can... kick right through the basket for

  [makes "touchdown" gesture] 

  Malory Archer : a home run.

  Slater : [pointing to door]  I'm gonna go.

  Lana Kane : [stops him, speaking softly]  Look, you're already here.

  [runs a finger down his chest] 

  Lana Kane : Why not just tell us what the mission is?

  Slater : I will, but only because I choose to. One of our... well, I guess you can call him a freelancer...

  Sterling Archer : What do you call him?

  Slater : I call him a freelancer. So shut up, please. Anyway, he needs an extraction from

  [in Latin American accent] 

  Slater : Buenos Aires.

  Sterling Archer : Ugh, it's just us. You can say, "Buaynos Air-eez."

  Lana Kane : And-

  [aside to Archer] 

  Lana Kane : hush.

  [back to Slater] 

  Lana Kane : And what operation is the CIA operating in Argentina?

  Slater : Oh, sorry. It's called "Operation Nunya"?

  Lana Kane : I...

  Slater : As in "Beeswax", Lana.

  Lana Kane : Yes, I...

  Sterling Archer : [muffled into his hands]  Dr. Kane, report to the burn unit.

  Lana Kane : Tooo help a patient who's been burned?

  Sterling Archer : [muffled]  No.

  Slater : Anyway

  [sighs] 

  Slater : his cover's been blown. Argentine Intelligence is onto him and he needs an extraction A.S.A.G.D.M.F.P.

• [discovering their mission is to extract Conway Stern from Argentina] 

  Sterling Archer : Yeah, can I start? You guys mind if I start? I'll start. Are you out of your shitting mind?

  Malory Archer : [simultaneously]  Sterling!

  Slater : [simultaneously]  Excuse me?

  Sterling Archer : He literally stabbed me in the back!

  Slater : Because you jeopardized his mission.

  Lana Kane : What mission? To sell classified military technology to the Chinese?

  Slater : *Phony* technology we *wanted* China to have. They've been chasing their tails on the whisper drive for years.

  Lana Kane : Oh.

  Sterling Archer : "Oh"?

  Malory Archer : I knew it. In my heart of hearts, I knew he was one of good guys.

  Sterling Archer : Literally! The back! Stabbed it!

  Slater : Well, but then you people ripped off his hands, so...

  Sterling Archer : After he literally stabbed me! In the back!

  Malory Archer : Oh, give it a rest, Sterling. I'm sure you did something to deserve it.

  Sterling Archer : What-?

  Malory Archer : But now you have a chance to right that wrong, which is a rare thing.

  Slater : About as rare as getting called up to the majors from single-A ball, which is...

  Lana Kane : Hey!

  Malory Archer : Lana! I'm sure that was a sports analogy meant to be cutting, but we will take the mission, won't we, Sterling?

  Sterling Archer : Huh? Yeah. Oh, sorry. I- It's just, I-I'm worried my entire life I've been misusing the word "literally"!

  [smashed intercom beeps] 

  Cheryl Tunt : [distorted]  And certaintly *over*using.

• Slater : [gets up]  So, uh, should I come back?

  Malory Archer : No. No, no, no, no, no, of course not.

  Slater : Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

• Sterling Archer : You're not worried?

  Lana Kane : Why should I worry? Because I'm the one that ripped off Conway's hand?

  Sterling Archer : No, about...

  Lana Kane : Or that he'll double-cross us again?

  Sterling Archer : Which, a blow-job says he does. And Mother and Slater and the CIA are idiots for trusting him. But I'm talking about us flying on the same plane, Lana. What if it crashed?

  Lana Kane : Then I wouldn't have had to watch you pound twenty drinks and then try to talk the stewardess into a handjob.

  Sterling Archer : Wh-where are you getting "twenty drinks"?

  Lana Kane : Uh, from ten doubles.

  Sterling Archer : "A", those were mini-bottles; and two, I'm talking about A.J., Lana. Who's going to take care of her if something happens to both of us.

  [Lana is about to say something, then stops] 

  Malory Archer : Well, me, obviously.

  Cyril Figgis : You think- Okay, wow. You think, in the event of their deaths, that you would be A.J.'s legal guardian.

  Malory Archer : Who else would they possibly choose?

  Ray Gillette : You've met yourself, right?

  Ray Gillette : [lights cigarette]  If it's anybody around here, it's me.

  Cyril Figgis : Of course. The one who smokes next to the baby.

  Ray Gillette : Dukes!

  [Ray takes a long draw from his cigarette] 

  Cyril Figgis : Ray!

  [Ray holds up a finger, continues to draw until the cigarette is almost entirely ash, then drops the whole thing into Cyril's coffee] 

  Cyril Figgis : You know...

  [Ray exhales the smoke into Cyril's face, causing him to cough] 

  Malory Archer : [batting away the smoke]  All right, Virginia Slim. You're...

  [she looks into the pram, a startled expression frozen on her face] 

  Malory Archer : [quickly]  Nap time! I have a meeting. Good-bye.

• [Malory has attacked and is choking Cheryl in the restroom when Pam peeks over the wall between stalls wearing her bra under nothing else] 

  Pam Poovey : Hey! Is it too much to ask during the goddamn workday for two separate sessions of 80 uninterrupted minutes each of quality dump time?

  Cheryl Tunt : [gasping]  I mean, I'm not a labor attorney...

  Malory Archer : Yes! It is entirely too much to ask!

  Pam Poovey : I thought so, yeah. I'll pass that on to who or whomever asked.

• Malory Archer : Baby A.J.! She's missing!

  Cheryl Tunt : [simultaneously gasp, say]  Oh, my god!

  Pam Poovey : [simultaneously gasp, say]  Oh, thank god!

• Malory Archer : Will you shut up? I need to think.

  Pam Poovey : [bringing her a drink]  Don't yell at me, I didn't lose her. Now just try to retrace your steps.

  [tearing noise] 

  Malory Archer : Well, I wasn't in the sofa cushions.

  Cheryl Tunt : [holding a knife and slashed cushion]  Agh! Well, you could have said that.

  Malory Archer : I did.

  Cheryl Tunt : [screaming]  I thought you were being sarcastic!

  Pam Poovey : It is kinda hard to tell with you.