- Handyman: [Turning his eyes upwards] Forgive them, they know not what they do.
- Francine Smith: Oh we know what we're gonna do. We're going to crucify you, on Angie's List.
- Hayley Smith: I haven't had this many female friends since that bunch of popular girls in high school tried to trick me into killing myself.
- Steve Smith: [after Hayley convinces Steve to pose as a girl so she can join the roller derby team] I'll do it. I'll pretend I'm a girl. Also, it might not be a lie because that split just destroyed my balls.
- Steve Smith: [after Devin smacks him on the butt] That's two on the same cheek, Dev! I'm gonna have to explain the hand mark to my mom at bath time. Kidding, yo!
- [chuckles nervously]
- Steve Smith: I shower now. Solo. Just me and the baby monitor.
- Roger the Alien: Okay, Steve, if you're looking for gender clarification, there's a number of things we can try. First, we raise some cash to get that dick off you.
- Steve Smith: [covering his crotch] Whoa! Coming in hot!
- Steve Smith: [to Hayley] If I go down, you go down with me. Then all that ink on your arm; it'll just be a bunch of nonsense no one can read unless you move to China, but who are we kidding? You don't have the guts.